Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Lafayette, We Are Here; So Let's Cook-Out!!

Bon Matin, Accueil, and Hello!!

I am the official French griller and cooker-outer for IWS Radio, Char'coal Bri'quet here for IWS Radio on this very fine, pre-Independence Day Eve..

Allow my Gallic self to tell you in your own boorish language…

My rocks are hot, and I can’t wait to flame up an American Independence Day soiree for you.  Viva la Lafayette; here’s to the defeat of Cornwallis at Yorktown, and the smiting of his culinary penchant for gruel and haggis!!

Which on its face, was very troubling in itself, but even more so, because of instead of serving red wine with swine innards, Cornwallis served mead.

Sérieusement?  Oui, and Sérieusement…Oh, the gaucheness of it all!!  Anyhoo…

Let me, or should I say, “allow” me to say, while you enjoy your, “chien chaud” upon the grill, do it in such a way that the processed skin and fillers of said, “chien chaud” crisp up, and maximize their potential artificial juices.

I know that you Americans love your Hot Dogs, but in order to be kind to dogs, be they hot or any other breed, allow them to be all that they can be.

The hot dogs that you are so fond of will live for minutes beyond their shelf life, and you will enjoy a nice crisp bite, while at the same time, savor their genetically-altered juices.

Place them so that they may receive the maximum grill marks.  Allow them to cook perching perpendicular upon either the Y or X-Axis of the grill!!  Do this not, and you will rue the day that you ate a limp hot dog with no cool burn marks worthy of Avignon!!

As for the Dachau-Like, hand-beaten, Nazi-Jack Booted, kicked in the ass, lump of meat that you call hamburgers?

Fry em’!!  Fry them hard, fast and nasty.  It is cow meat, a stupid animal that just sits there, grazes, and says to itself…

“I better eat some more hay, so I will become a better burger.”

Who the Hell does that!?  Cows…American Cows, that’s who…er…Cows…any cow…American, or otherwise.  Hell, they don’t know their fate growing up…They’re stupid, and well, they’re cows, so that explains it, but as a Frenchman, I have to say…

Even though the hamburger (uuch) is round, it stills needs to be cooked perpendicularly.  If not?  The grill marks will be straight, and the burger will look like…well…

A round piece of meat with straight lines upon it.

And you know what?  When I think of that, I can only think of the way my great-grandfather described the look on Mussolini’s face when he was hung in 1943.

Saint Enfant Jésus, and Oy Vay!!

Anyway…Keep your grill hot and haute, and always, sprinkle it with oil…This is your Number One Summertime French Guy saying…

Bon Voyage and Happy Grill'age!!

Char'coal Bri'quet

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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6 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Be sure to get that hot dog all blackened and crisp so it "pops" when you bite into it too! That's just yummy.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: When one bites into a hot dog off the grill, the juice should explode and give him or her, third degree burns. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

'A round piece of meat with straight lines upon it.'

It's making me hungry just thinking about it.

Beth said...

I hate the French;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: IKR? It sounds so very exotic, doesn't it? Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: You are so sexy when you are succinct. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man