Hola and welcome political junkies to CNN’s new/old show
Crossfire! That’s right, CNN has brought
back one of its greatest political shows with all new hosts and they
promise lots of sparks! On the right we have Disgraced Former Speaker of the
House Newt Gingrich and sexy conservative S. E. Cupp, and on the left we have Van
Jones and Stephanie Cutter. Below is a transcript of their first show…
Newt: Excuse me? First the “Hola” crap and then “disgraced?”
You better watch yourself or you’ll be looking for a new job buddy!
S.E. Cupp: Whatever Newt.
Stephanie Cutter: *rolls eyes*
Van Jones: Lighten up Francis.
Newt: My name isn’t Francis.
S.E: I think it was a joke Newt.
Van: It was a reference to the movie “Stripes”
Stephanie: Yeah, you know? Bill Murray?
Newt: Lame pop culture references to lowbrow 70’s comedies
will not be tolerated Van, even though that isn’t your REAL name.
Van: Is this how we’re gonna start things?
Newt: How did you get the name “Van?” Is it in reference to
your being conceived in the back of a van during a “hey sailor if you’ve got
the money, I’ve got the time” situation?
S.E: Hey-OOOOOOO
Stephanie: SHOTS FIRED!
Newt: What? I’m unarmed!
Van: Well, you’re unarmed intellectually anyway.
Stephanie: *giggle*
S.E: Nice!
Newt: Okay, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the
way, let’s get busy.
S.E: I love to get busy.
Stephanie: Me too!
Van and Newt: That’s hot!
Newt: Okay, DOMA and Prop 8 rulings. Obviously, a disaster.
The Supreme Court is on its way to morally bankrupting this country.
Stephanie: I really don’t think so. It’s all about basic
human rights and human dignity.
S.E: I’m gonna have to agree with Stephanie on this one
Newt.
Newt: Of course you will. You probably wanna do her.
S. E: What?
Newt: Well, with a rack like yours, I’m sure lesbians hit on
you all the time.
Stephanie: I know I would if I were a lesbian.
S.E: This is highly inappropriate and won’t tolerate it.
Back me up here Van.
Van: It is inappropriate, but also relevant to my interests,
ifyouknowwhatImean?
Newt: Anyway, gay marriage invalidates straight marriage.
Straight marriage loses all real meaning when gays get married, right?
Stephanie: Nope
Van: I don’t think so Newtster.
S.E: Not really.
Newt: Well it ruined all of mine!
S.E: How so?
Newt: Every time gay marriage becomes an issue, one of my
marriages falls apart.
Stephanie: I thought your cheating ruined your marriages?
Newt: Gay marriage is immoral, so just discussing it makes
me do immoral things.
S.E: Really?
Van: Well, Callista must be as nervous as Paula Deen riding the
express elevator with The Pips then!
Stephanie: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!
S.E: LOL! *Hi-5’s Van*
Newt: You know what? Let’s just call it a day for our first
show and maybe CNN could find some people on my intellectual level?
Van: Great idea Newtie-Poo. My car is out front, who wants
to go get a drink?
S.E: I’m in!
Stephanie: Shotgun!
Newt: *sniff, sniff*
Van: Aww … It’s okay Newt. You can come too!
Newt: Really? Gee thanks!!!
Van: Just try not to be an asshole.
Newt: That’s kind of hurtful but okay. Hey! Can we pretend
you’re my chauffeur?
Van: Don’t push it.
Newt: Okay.
7 comments:
I am certain, knowing you as I do, that this post was hilarious and a yet another piece of your satirical genius, but I am still hung up on the the first picture S.E. Cupp!! Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
I thought SE Cupp was a new IWS character.
I tend to watch Tv with the sound off.
If SE Cupp is on "Crossfire," I might be watching "Crossfire" with the sound off.
I mean, whatever keeps me from having to hear Newt talk.
Katy: I understand that completely. I used to watch "Charmed" with the sound off.
Katy: I understand that completely. I used to watch "Charmed" with the sound off.
Matt: She's okay, I guess
Jay
Mike: No, but DD Cup is. Hey-OOOOO
Jay
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