Exes Are a Pain in the Butt

Cheers and Happy Tuesday to you all. I’m trying really hard to be happy on this Tuesday, but man…

Some of my exes are really gnawing at the edges of my patience these days.

Quasi Ex-wife or ex girlfriends from my past, you ask?

Nooooooooooooo.

I am talking about ex-smokers, ex-drinkers, and self proclaimed, ex-food addicts.  Oy Vey!!  They are such an incredibly loathsome and insufferable lot.

First up on the wheel of annoyance, ex-smokers.  Do I know that I shouldn’t smoke?  Yes.  Do I know it’s bad for me?  Yes.  Do I know it ultimately killed my dad and will me?  Yes.

Do I need to hear all that on a daily basis from ex-smoking friends and ex-smokers whom I barely know?

Oh hell no, and Jesus Smoking Christ…!!

Their non-laconic diatribes about the evils of smoking don’t make me want to quit; their anti-tobacco pontifications make we want to fire up a Newport Red 100 so I have something to do with my hands which prevents me from punching them in their jabbering jaws of self-righteousness!!

Some go wayyyyyyy overboard.  I have heard thie following more than once…

“We’d like to cook out more often during the summer, but our neighbor smokes in his backyard and we can smell it.  It just ruins everything.”

Hmmmmm…A guy.  In his own backyard.  With a slowly burning Philip Morris product hanging from his lip…is ruining your weekend joy of cooking a piece of steroid-riddled red meat as you inhale the scented, seasonal, and life preserving fumes of Kingsford Charcoal!!?  Enough!!

Next up on the kaleidoscope hate?  Ex-Drinkers…

Drinking leads to no good.  Alcohol is nothing more than empty calories and heartache.  Maybe if your life weren’t so empty, you wouldn’t drink.  Ever heard any of that from an ex-imbiber?  Oh Boy!!  I have, and here’s the thing…

The reason that they are all over you, the drinker?  It’s because their life is damn boring without alcohol that they have to fill the void with going all Carrie Nation on you and others who drink.

Just as I have to smoke a cigarette in order to keep from punching an ex-smoker, some ex-drinkers need to keep their mind off alcohol by crushing the beer kegs of your personal freedom of swallowing down some Sweet Lucy from time to time.  Sooooo Un-American!!

Lastly and of special timeliness…We have the Queen of the Food Addict Court, the weight-loss crowd, and anti-obesity army, none other than MSNBC Morning Joe Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski.

Mika Brzezinski has a new book out called, Obsessed, which she wrote with fellow and collegial anchorwoman, Diane Smith.

The book describes Mika’s journey of binging and purging in order to maintain an “acceptable” TV weight, and Diane’s trip down the path of perhaps losing jobs because she gained weight.

Well, Mika is now comfortable with her weight and in her skin, and eating healthy…and Diane has lost many pounds and feels healthy as well.

That’s very nice, and I applaud them both.  However…

Mika the ex-food addict, just like the ex-smoker and ex-drinker can’t stop by only saving herself.

She frequently rails against the fast-food industry, supports Mayor Bloomberg’s fascistic food legislation, and nearly everyday at some point, says something on Morning Joe that implies…

“I have been there and I know better than you, and what you are doing is wrong.  Unhealthy food should be banned by the government because we have no control over ourselves.”

And yet…

Mika Brzezinski’s theory of government oversight on these things is shot down by the fact that, according to her book, she changed her life on her own, well…along with a diet full of vodka and Ambien, and I guess Diane Smith hired a personal trainer, to which of course we all have access.

Unbelievable.

I am glad that all the exes of whatever variety out there are enjoying their new found redemption, but seriously?

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and while I was doing it, I never cursed or berated someone for eating a triple from Wendy’s.  I was usually thinking…

Man, only twenty more pounds to go, and then I am going to have TWO of those!!

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws