The Man Who Snitched on Tiger Woods Speaks

Hola snitches and bitches! As you probably know by now, there was a brouhaha last weekend at the Master’s when Tiger Woods made an illegal drop and someone viewer call into Augusta National or CBS or someone and snitched on him. From the very moment we heard the news, the entire staff here at IWS World Media began searching for the man or woman who ratted Tiger out. It took some pretty serious snooping, but we finally did it. Aaaaaaaaand, he agreed to post here to explain himself.

Howdy folks, Jethro Jameson of Beaumont, TX here and I’m the man who turned Tiger Woods in. I’m not

ashamed to admit either. Hell, I’m proud of it. I’d do it again too if I could. I only wish I could have been the guy who turned in Craig Stadler and Pete Azinger back in the day when they got busted. I won’t say who called CBS on them, but I do know and admire them.

See, I’ve always been a law and order kind of guy. I follow the rules and I expect everyone else to do so too. Right here on the wall of my home office I have my arm bands from my glory days at Willie Ray Smith Middle School right here in Beaumont. I was named Hall Monitor of the Year two years in a row. Nobody else has ever achieved this and nobody else ever will. You know why? CAUSE THEY LACK DISCIPLINE!

I remember the first person I ever told on. I busted my older brother’s friend Huan Deng drinking straight from the milk carton. I told his mother about and when she hesitated I reminded her that we had a rule against such activities and to allow Huan to openly defy them like this would result in a lifetime of him flaunting rules until he ended up in prison. So, she grounded him. Sure, he beat the hell out of me for it, but sometimes you gotta just take an ass-whipping for justice.

Probably my greatest achievement in rule enforcement, well until now, was when I caught little Rosalinda Rodriguez taking three cookies instead of two at our Valentine’s Day Celebration my senior year at Ozen High School here in Beaumont. A lot of people thought it was really wrong of me to out her since she was my girlfriend, but my first loyalty has always been to the rules. Every time I think about me ignoring the fact that Rosie was my girlfriend and letting me finger bang her and enforcing the rules my chest swells with pride.

Obviously bookkeeping is a job I was born to do. Man, I keep a close eye on those expense accounts at work. You know guys, if you have a per diem of $58.25 a day and you turn in a report claiming $57.99 every single time, I’m gonna get suspicious. A little creativity in your embezzlement is all I ask for. Sure, I’m not the most popular guy at work, but I’m not there to make friends. I’m there to protect the company from cheaters!

Now that I’m about ready to retire though, I think I’ll be keeping my rule enforcement activities close to home. I live in a nice gated community and I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let any of my lazy-ass neighbors drive down MY home value! I constantly have to call the Homeowner’s Association President Shastina Johnson about people leaving their garage doors open and tell her to do her damn job and enforce the rules! This just invites petty theft. These damn kids don’t respect nothing!

Saturday morning I was taking my poodle Poo-Poo for our usual walk when I wandered by Aakar Gupta’s house. Something didn’t look right so I pretended that Poo-Poo needed to do her business. When I acted like I was scooping up here droppings, I casually measured the height of the grass in his yard. Just as a thought. An eighth of an inch over what the bylaws allow! So, I had to call Shastina and have her write him up.

Yeah, I could have waited to see if he was going to mow during the weekend, but that’s not my style. I don’t wait until things have all gone to hell and anarchy breaks out to act. If I don’t say something and he doesn’t mow, next think you know people are putting pink flamingos out in their yards! I’m not gonna have that on my head. But, most of all I didn’t wait for one simple reason …

RULES ARE RULES PEOPLE!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS