Guy Ahnyurdyck...Amsterdam Prison Blues

Jayyyyyyyyy…Maaaaatt-Man…IWS Foreign Correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck here, writing to you live from within the close and confining quarters of an Amsterdam hoosegow.

I know, I know…I have been away for months, but this past Wednesday, mere moments prior to my most recent arrest, I heard your IWS broadcast in which you stated that you would fire me if you could find out my whereabouts, and I thought…

Perhaps I should contact IWS Radio Global HQ and explain my current sui generis curriculum vitae.  And thankfully, the wonderful folks of the Amsterdam afdeling van de Politie have allowed me to do just so.

You see, gentlemen…

With much rue and regret I must fall on my sword of self-psycho analyzeation and admit to you that for months I have fallen into the searing cauldron of self-doubt, the fires of frustration, and harvested only from the lamentable fields of self-loathing.

In other words…

For the past eight months, I have been doing nothing but drinking, drugging, and fucking, along the raucous, red-lit streets of Amsterdam.

I have hit rock bottom and hope upon hope that you will reconsider your proposed action of terminating my employ with IWS.

You see Jay, Matt, my IWS friends…Covering the topsy-turvy corners of the earth in search of hot spots of international news for nearly two years has drained me of human emotion.  I have become insensitive to the trauma and hardship of those around me.  I can feel no more.

So, in order to feel again, I sought out the sensation of happiness in heroin, the elation of life through ecstasy, and the hard-on in my pants from hookers.

I am ashamed, but long for compassion and treatment from both IWS and your vast and diverse worldwide audience.  And, this most recent litigious incident has been a wake up call for me.

Shortly after the IWS Radio broadcast on Wednesday, strung out on NOS and peyote, I hired a most alluring Dutch hooker of Norwegian descent named, Logan Knight.

Above the beltway she was a hot, taut, and gorgeous woman, but as I proceeded to go below sea level, I discovered that this lady of the night named Logan, had enough cock to plug the hole in not one, not two, but three dikes.

I cried foul gentlemen and ladies, refused payment, and all the while bellowed, “Mansterdam!! Mansterdam, Oh Dear God, Mansterdam!!

While I feel I was the victim of commercial bait and switch tactics, the authorities have incarcerated me for non-payment of services, and I haven’t the euros to make bail.

Please Jay.  Please Matt.  I beg of you.  Give me one more chance.  My Flemish friend Stella Artois has said that she will help me right my ship and seek the help I need, so that I can find in my soul the award winning journalist that I lost so long ago.

Readers of IWS.  Listeners of IWS…Help me to make my case.  Please beseech Jay and Matt to bail me out and give me a second chance, because…

My 6’4 270 pound cellmate from Nijmegen is giving me the eye.

Afscheid,

Guy Ahnyurdyck

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws