Hola y’all! So Taylor Swift says that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to hell for mocking her when they hosted the Golden Globes. Amy Poehler fired back “…I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.” I find this exchange pretty hilarious and very ironic since I’m probably going to hell for thinking that Amy Poehler and Taylor Swift would be an awesome Mother-Daughter three-way sex fantasy.
But, I’m not here to talk about the fact that Taylor Swift is a humorless cunt. Or whether or not calling Taylor Swift a “cunt” is appropriate or not. Or whether Taylor and Amy make for a great mother-daughter three-way fantasy or not. They obviously do. No, I only mentioned them for the page views. I’m here to talk about something that sucks even more than getting stuck in an elevator with a notoriously gassy Meat Loaf who just ate at Taco Bell.*
Oh holy fuck another birthday is upon me. Why? Why do they keep coming around? How many have there been? 45? Once you hit 40 or so they come so fast you barely had time to get over the depression of the last one! And why does the state of Arkansas make us renew our driver’s licenses right before out birthday so we can damn near fail the vision test? So fucking cruel.
Your first birthday is probably pretty cool, even though you might not remember. Your 16th is a big one, but I don’t really know why. Eighteen is significant because you can now buy cigarettes and porn legally, which means you’ll probably give both of them up. You keep going to clubs on weekends until you turn 21 and then you stop because it’s not that much fun if you aren’t using your fake ID.
At some point in your life you will probably get a surprise birthday part. Usually one of those “milestone” birthdays like 21st or any of the big decade birthdays 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. Those can sometimes be fun. Lots of people like to give friends “HAHAHAHA YOU’RE OLD” birthday cards because they’re hilarious. I totally approve of that.
What you should never do is go out to a restaurant for your birthday though. Someone who claims to love you will rat you out to the waiter and you’ll have to sit there as the whole damn staff comes out and sings their own special fast-paced-hand-clapping birthday song out of tune to you while everyone else in the place gives you a “thanks for ruining OUR dinner asshole” look. And then you blow the candle out on the stale piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream instead of actual icing on top. This just doesn’t sound like fun.
The exception to that is going to Denny’s for a free Grand Slam breakfast. That’s some good shit right there. Another exception would be getting a free lap dance from the super-hot Scarlett Johansson look-alike at the strip club. The best way to celebrate though is with a small group of friends (either in real life or online), drink beer/wine/Pepsi/bourbon, eat cupcakes and then order a big-ass pizza from Pizza Hut. Simple yet fun times.
It seems like every birthday is also a good time to update my Bucket List. By “update” I mean take things off that aren’t likely to happen. Like “Find true happiness” or “Make sure I won’t die alone.” On the other hand, I can add things to my list too. Like “go skydiving” or “Run with the bulls” because what the hell, my best days are behind me anyway, right?
Really, at this point the only positive thing about having another birthday is that I’m one year closer to one of my big goals in life. Becoming a Dirty Old Man. I’m right on track for that.
P.S. Hey y’all! Real quick like go to www.iwsradio.com. See what happened? You got sent here, didn’t you? Uh-huh. The Matt-Man bought this domain for my birthday. So, in addition to being a PREMIUM SHOW, we are also a DOT COM! Fuck yeah!
*I don’t KNOW that Meat Loaf has serious problems with flatulence, it just SEEMS as though he probably does.
But wait that’s not all! While you’re here being entertained you should totally check out our PREMIUM BLEND show we did on IWS Wednesday. We talked about going premium and found that BTR had been stockpiling all our old sound files which we had all kinds of juvenile fun with while we rambled about all kinds of important things. Give it a listen and tell all your friends about us!