Hola y’all! It’s Superbowl weekend again and since the pregame show has probably already begun on CBS, It thought I would help everyone enjoy the big day. First let’s settle the big debate though: No, Monday after the Super Bowl should NOT be a national holiday. The game should be played on Saturday to allow everyone the chance to recover. Plus, if you kick it off at 6 pm eastern, people all over the world could watch the game because it would be played either late Saturday night or early on Sunday morning. See? Problem solved. The solution is so obvious and fan-friendly that only a complete fucking moron couldn’t figure out. Like, say, Roger Goodell.
Anyway, here are some ideas to help you enjoy Super Bowl Sunday …
Take one drink every time …
1. Someone mentions that the Harbaugh brothers have always been “really competitive with each other.”
2. They mention that replacing Alex Smith as the starting QB was a really controversial decision by Jim Harbaugh.
3. They use the word “redemption” while talking about Ray Lewis.
4. They mention how unpopular Roger Goodell is and/or “Bounty Gate.”
5. They show either of the Harbaugh’s parents.
6. They show Archie Manning sitting alone looking sad.
7. You hear a player (probably Colin Kaepernick) cuss on the field
8. Phil Simms gets the rules wrong.
9. Phil Simms calls Jim Nantz “Jeem”
10. Phil Simms tries to explain the offense Niners run and gets it wrong.
11. A player thanks Jesus and acts as if he really thinks Jesus gives a shit who wins a football game.
12. They show an ad for erectile dysfunction
13. You see Peyton Manning in a commercial
14. You see Aaron Rodgers in a commercial.
15. The announcers refer to a white player as "a great competitor" and/or "hard worker" then refer to black players as "great athletes."
Chug an entire beer if …
1. Beyonce is lip-syncing.
2. Beyonce has a wardrobe malfunction.
3. Alicia Keys lip-syncs the Anthem.
4. Alicia Keys has a wardrobe malfunction.
Best snack food options for the Super Bowl are nachos, pizza, meatball sandwiches, nachos, cheese and crackers w/ summer sausage, brats, pigs in blankets, jalapeno poppers, chili and maybe mini cheeseburgers. But, don't get too fancy and don't go with anything that can't be handled by someone who has been drinking all day.
During every Big Bang Theory promo, or if any of the stars of the shows are in the stands, put on safety glasses and rubber gloves and create a new alcoholic concoction.
During every NCIS promo women should argue over who is hotter, Gibbs or DiNozzo and the men should argue over Kate or Ziva. Then, everyone shoot a terrorist three times in the chest and throw back a shot of tequila.
If there are any chicks there that have a great badonkadonk like, say Maria Menounos, and they happen to bend over, yell BUTT FUMBLE! Then dive face first into her butt while fumbling a chicken wing.
If you just hate
Anything by The Cars who were headed up by Baltimore native Rick Ocasik
The Grateful Dead headed up by San Francisco native Jerry Garcia
Maybe you’d rather watch some old TV series? Okay then, I have you covered …
The Wire (the greatest TV series EVER) set in Baltimore …
The Streets of San Francisco
Okay, I guess that covers it. Well, except my prediction:
San Francisco 33
Enjoy the game everybody. Or don’t, what do I care?