Dear Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie,

I hope this letter finds you healthy and in good spirits. I’m sorry I didn’t begin it with my usual fun and festive “HOLA!” but as I’m not feeling particularly fun nor festive at this time, I felt it would be wrong to do so. I would never want to mislead you as to my emotional wellbeing.

The reason for my lack of festive feeling is the news of your sudden nuptials which I read about online the other day. It wasn’t so much that you married that piece of stanky of Euro trash another man, I knew in my head, if not my heart, that would happen someday, but why did I have to find out from a disgusting online celebrity gossip site? I feel like just another guy and not someone who once shared a beautiful romance with you. It was just so hurtful.

Please don’t think that I’m being impolite or trying to ruin your big day, because I’m not. But, as someone who has shared such a close and personal relationship with you since I first saw you in Léon: The Professional Mars Attacks you turned 18, I just feel that I deserved a little more consideration. Remember that rainy day when we just held each other and watched Garden State? That was so beautiful. Or the way you stared longingly into my eyes while giving me a lap dance in Closer? So hot and sooooooooo perfect. What happened to those days?

I mean, let’s not forget I was even willing to convert to Judaism for you. And, no disrespect or anything, but I think I would have made a better Jew than you. Sure, I’ve been a little slow to commit begin the process, but I was nearly there. I have even started learning Hebrew. Again, I realize that so far I haven’t gotten much past saying “Boker Tov” in the mornings and “Shalom” in the evenings, but it’s a start!

I know I should have known it was over when that disgusting French twinkle-toes creep knocked you up, but I guess the heart doesn’t always give up so easily. But, seeing you in your wedding gown looking so happy made it all really hit home. Nat, I just want you to know that I have accepted this and am ready to move on. You can be sure that you won’t have any trouble from me. None at all.

I promise to keep my distance and not use my position as a world famous internet radio star to meddle in what I hope is a long and loving marriage with that Frog. I promise not to speak ill of him or you in any attempt to cause problems in your relationship, even though I’ve heard he has a thing for Mila Kunis. That just wouldn’t be right. Even if Mila is hotter than you.

Okay, that wasn’t nice. I shouldn’t lash out like that just because you ripped my heart out, threw it on the sidewalk and stomped on it. I should be more considerate and not point out what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS CUNT YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. So, I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll just suffer in silence for a while and then I will somehow climb out of this canyon of despair and emerge on the other side a stronger and happier man.

So, I say to you in all sincerity that I HOPE YOU GET FAT AND LOOK LIKE GOLDA MEIR BY THE TIME YOU’RE 35 you and Jacques or Marcel or Pierre or Thierry or whatever the fuck that asshole’s name is Benjamin have a beautiful, loving and emotionally fulfilling marriage that lasts a couple of weeks for the rest of your lives. I only want to be vindicated in my belief that you’re making a huge mistake you to be happy Natalie. That's all I have ever wanted.


Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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