Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dear Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie,

I hope this letter finds you healthy and in good spirits. I’m sorry I didn’t begin it with my usual fun and festive “HOLA!” but as I’m not feeling particularly fun nor festive at this time, I felt it would be wrong to do so. I would never want to mislead you as to my emotional wellbeing.

The reason for my lack of festive feeling is the news of your sudden nuptials which I read about online the other day. It wasn’t so much that you married that piece of stanky of Euro trash another man, I knew in my head, if not my heart, that would happen someday, but why did I have to find out from a disgusting online celebrity gossip site? I feel like just another guy and not someone who once shared a beautiful romance with you. It was just so hurtful.

Please don’t think that I’m being impolite or trying to ruin your big day, because I’m not. But, as someone who has shared such a close and personal relationship with you since I first saw you in Léon: The Professional Mars Attacks you turned 18, I just feel that I deserved a little more consideration. Remember that rainy day when we just held each other and watched Garden State? That was so beautiful. Or the way you stared longingly into my eyes while giving me a lap dance in Closer? So hot and sooooooooo perfect. What happened to those days?

I mean, let’s not forget I was even willing to convert to Judaism for you. And, no disrespect or anything, but I think I would have made a better Jew than you. Sure, I’ve been a little slow to commit begin the process, but I was nearly there. I have even started learning Hebrew. Again, I realize that so far I haven’t gotten much past saying “Boker Tov” in the mornings and “Shalom” in the evenings, but it’s a start!

I know I should have known it was over when that disgusting French twinkle-toes creep knocked you up, but I guess the heart doesn’t always give up so easily. But, seeing you in your wedding gown looking so happy made it all really hit home. Nat, I just want you to know that I have accepted this and am ready to move on. You can be sure that you won’t have any trouble from me. None at all.

I promise to keep my distance and not use my position as a world famous internet radio star to meddle in what I hope is a long and loving marriage with that Frog. I promise not to speak ill of him or you in any attempt to cause problems in your relationship, even though I’ve heard he has a thing for Mila Kunis. That just wouldn’t be right. Even if Mila is hotter than you.

Okay, that wasn’t nice. I shouldn’t lash out like that just because you ripped my heart out, threw it on the sidewalk and stomped on it. I should be more considerate and not point out what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS CUNT YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. So, I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll just suffer in silence for a while and then I will somehow climb out of this canyon of despair and emerge on the other side a stronger and happier man.

So, I say to you in all sincerity that I HOPE YOU GET FAT AND LOOK LIKE GOLDA MEIR BY THE TIME YOU’RE 35 you and Jacques or Marcel or Pierre or Thierry or whatever the fuck that asshole’s name is Benjamin have a beautiful, loving and emotionally fulfilling marriage that lasts a couple of weeks for the rest of your lives. I only want to be vindicated in my belief that you’re making a huge mistake you to be happy Natalie. That's all I have ever wanted.


Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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20 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I'm just surprised that she married a man, what with being an ugly lesbian and all...She's like a female Tom Cruise. Only Jewish. Shalom!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

I've threatened to drop my kids off at Temple Shalom while they were fighting in the car as I drove by.. Even though we're Catholic! I'm sorry the love of your life is taken... She wasn't good enough for you, Jay! <3 Missy

Mike said...

I'm sure she'll be available again in a couple of months. Remember, this is a movie star marriage. You could be number 2... or 3... or....

DWei said...

Most celebrity marriages don't even last that long. She'll be back on the market soon.

Gnetch said...

Well I think Mila Kunis is still available. Start stalking her now!1! Goooooo!!!! Haha.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up by childish name calling. But, as much as I want you to be right, I know she's none of the things you said. That makes me even sadder. :-(

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mischie: I know that, like Matt-Man, you're trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it. But, I'm not too good for her. In fact, the opposite is true. *sigh*

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Normally I would say the same thing, but that Frenchie knocked her up almost two years ago and they're still together and just got married. So, I'm guessing this one will last.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

DWei: But some do last. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married 24 years. Oh God .. If Natalie stays married for 24 years I'll be 68!! Still not too old, right?

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: I might do that. But, I'm stalking so many people right now, I don't know if I have room for anyone else. ;-p

Jay

Jo said...

That last bit was epic. I wish you'd been a ghostwriter for some of my exes.

Most people become incredibly dull when they get married and have kids, if they're doing it right, because that's the point of marriage. To make a person too dull to slut around. So, if Nat's marriage works, she'll likely be too boring for you in 5 years. If it fails, well there ya go.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: But, you're pretty much the opposite of dull. I guess it doesn't work on Asian chicks. Of course it doesn't! ha

Jay

Jo said...

I wear a tinfoil hat and slather myself with avocados every full moon. It keeps things interesting.

You should try it next time you're bored.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: That's hot! ;-)

Jay

Wine~Gurl said...

Omgosh...u just been turned out by a Jewess! Lol u got something for us Jew gis or shall i say this Jew gurl got sonething for you!!! Haha! Love u long time Jay...Shalom & Ahava!

I'm With Stupid said...

Wine~Gurl: IKR? I can't believe I would get treated this way by a Jewish babe. So heartbreaking. At least I still have you!

Jay

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