I'm A Smooth Operator ... Okay, Not Really

Hola lawbreakers! Well, my ability to disrupt people in public places purely through no fault of my own remains intact. Like most libraries ours here in Redneckville the librarian has to run the books people are checking out over a thingamagig to disable the little alarm on the book or whatever so people won’t steal them. Sorry to get so technical on you in that last sentence.

Anyway, I’m sure you know where this is going. Yup, I set off the alarm when leaving a couple of weeks ago. When the alarm went off I stopped, turned around, put my hands up and said “Don’t shoot!!” This is just my natural charm kicking in, trying to add a little levity to a potentially volatile situation and put everyone at ease. One of the librarians smiled said “You’re fine, it’s okay.” But, the other one, Mr. Grumpy McGaypants let out a big sigh, waved at me and said “Oh just go on!”

I thought this was a pretty rude reaction and I let him know about it. I responded “Hey buddy! Don’t be taking your general bitterness with the fact that you never made it to Broadway and Neil Patrick Harris won’t reply to you on Twitter out on me? Or is it your disdain for James Patterson and his army of Indonesian slaves who type up his books according to the formula while following his outline? Either way, you really should work on your people skills if you’re gonna work as a librarian.”

Okay, not really. I just glared at him for a second and then walked out.

Of course, this meant that when I brought the books back, I would set off the alarm again. So, as soon as I walked through the doors and set off the alarm, I again threw up my hands and said “Don’t shoot! It’s just me again, making my usual dramatic entrance.”

Okay, not really. I actually forgot all about it and when the alarm went off it surprised the crap outta me and I kind of jumped and spun around to see what I had done. Then I looked around in hopes that it was someone other than me who had set off the alarm. Luckily I quickly regained my cool and when I walked up to the lady standing behind the “Book Return” counter who was trying not to laugh too much at me. I looked at her and in my best Horatio Cain voice said “Looks like I had *takes off sunglasses* an alarming experience at the library this morning.”

Okay, not really. I actually just kind of laughed awkwardly while not making eye contact with her and just put the books on the counter and moved on.

Of course, it didn’t end there. Not by a long shot. Take a wild guess what happened when I tried to leave with the books I had just checked out? Go on … guess. Yup, I set off the alarm AGAIN! Once again I turned and looked at the librarians and once again Mr. Fussy McFabulous grumpily told me to “Just go on!” while shaking his head at me. Again, I wasn’t about to put up with that and I really let him have it. I yelled “Dude, I’m sick and tired of your attitude. I saw that little sigh you gave when you scanned my copy of Joel Stein’s “Man Made” you anti-Semitic jerk! Hell, I’m probably lucky I’m white or you probably would have called 911 a thousand times by now.”

Okay, not really. I just turned and left as quickly as possible while telling myself that I may never go back to that library again. 

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS