Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Birthdays Are Stupid

“Let them eat cake.”
--Marie Antoinette

“Let them eat cake, and stuff their mouths so full of it, that the celebrant is unable to drone on and on about how it’s his or her birthday.
--Matt-Man

I think birthday celebrations are stupid, and not just as I have become older, but as folks do become older, could we just cut the Happy Birthday crap, and leave the days of uterine deliverance to the children?

Huh?  Oh Dear God, could we Please!?

Sure…up til’ the time little Timmy or sweet Sally turns twelve, have all the birthday celebrating you want, but after that…they only get two more birthday parties.

At eighteen when they become eligible to fulfill their civic duty and are permitted to vote, and when they turn twenty-one and are eligible to drink, and keep in mind….

I will be more than happy to act as the creepy uncle at a newly twenty-one year old’s birthday party, whether I am related to the celebrant or not.

Chances are, the birthday boy or girl would not remember if I was there or not, which on balance, is probably a good thing.

Oh sure, some of you are thinking…

“What?  No Sweet Sixteen Birthday party for my little Shannyn, Britny, or Taylerr girl?”

No…Having a Sweet 16 party for girls with those names and spelled that way, can lead to two things, and two things only.

A lifetime working the pole at Bob’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Party Pad, or a life full of comers and goers, shaken baby syndrome, and remorse, within the confines of Section Eight housing.  And seriously…who needs more of that?

Not this guy!!

So…

Beginning tonight at 11:59:59 PM ET, I will forever purposely forget, fail to recognize, and never again even half-heartedly celebrate the birthday of any person who is over the age of 21.

I mean…Why do people celebrate their own birthday?  The person celebrating had nothing to do with it.

Oh sure, he or she may say, “I am a blessing from God via the love of my of my mom and dad, and that is why we are celebrating.”

Ha…

Chances are, your mom and dad were so drunk that Mom forgot to take her pill and/or Dad only thought he was wearing a condom, or more than likely, thought he was having sex with the “safe” floozy down the street who had become sterile due to her virulent, and untreated case of gonorrhea.

I am done.  On Facebook, Twitter, blog sites, and in day to day life, unless you are a child, I shall refuse to wish you a Happy Birthday, because, well…

Oddly enough, birthdays are similar to funerals.  People, whether hated or not, are typically spoken of in glowing terms on two days…their birthday, and the day they are buried.

Seriously…Celebrate a person every day of their life if you think they are wonderful, or if you find them to be a reprehensible asshole, don’t...not even at their funeral, or their birthday..

Never waiver on your convictions or feelings toward a person on their birthday or on the day that they ultimately pass, because, well…it’s unseemly.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

12 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

You're just trying to justify your being too cheap to buy people birthday presents or cards. hehe

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: Ha...See? There's an entire other reason not to recognize birthdays!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

What a crabby old guy. Next thing you know you'll be bashing kindergarden graduations.

Beth said...

Good. I don't want to even acknowledge my own birthday. One more thing I don't have to do;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Kindergarten graduations are okay because they are always a lot of hot MILFs in attendance. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: I know how you dream of a carefree life, so enjoy my nugget of help on this one. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

Dana said...

Ummm ... your timing on this was PERFECT!

My birthday is tomorrow *sobs uncontrollably*

Does this mean no birthday spankings either?

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: I had no idea...I wish could grandfather you in, but as I have publicly disavowed birthdays, there is no turning back now. Cheers Dana!!

Matt-Man

TexWisGirl said...

i like that advice: celebrate a person every day of their life... :)

thanks for stopping by! :)

I'm With Stupid said...

Tex: Why thank ya and thanks for the comment. Just Say No to Birthdays. Cheers Tex Girl!!

Matt-Man

Edita said...

"Let them eat cake and destroy their diet plans."

Edita x

Jo said...

I hate birthday celebrations but only because they're done in a way that makes me want to drive forks through my skull.

Today's my husband's birthday & tomorrow's my son's. Bastards. lol!