Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Heat Wave 2012...Summer Safety Tips

Cheers Chuckleheads!!

As a widespread and profound heat wave is already gripping parts of the nation and about to exert its fiery grip on the Greater Bagwine, Ohio metroplex, I thought this would be a good time to provide a public service on behalf of IWS in the form of a few heat wave/summer fun safety tips.

Folks here in Bagwine freak out in the winter when an inch of snow is predicted, and some of us with a modicum of common sense refer to that type of thing as, “The White Death.”  So…

So since it’s summer and we are getting nothing but 24/7 local news coverage of the impending “dangerous” summer conditions, we shall refer to this summer sun induced panic as, “The Yellow Death.”

No, wait…That sounds more like an impending invasion by the Chinese and as we all know, America has nothing to fear from the Chinese, other than our own borrowing habits.  Let’s see…

We will call this heat wave, “The Orange Death.”  Yeah, I like that…or better yet…

Let’s make it sound all sexy, translate it into French, and call it, “La Mort d’Orange.”

Okay, now that sounds serious and yet artfully headline grabbing.  So to wit, and heretofore, I shall now offer some very good suggestions as to how to beat the near 100 degree heat over the next few days.

Fewer Clothes…
When the mercury is bursting through the top of a thermometer like a less than experienced teen boy’s Johnson at the site of a picture of Megan Fox naked, the clothes have to come off.  “Experts” will tell you to dress lightly in light-colored apparel.  Screw that stupid advice.

When the mercury is kissing the 100 degree mark, it’s time to shed your clothes completely.  Be advised however…For the health and well-being of others and in spite of your lack of dignity and self-respect, if you look like me, stay indoors with the blinds shut while walking around naked.  That’s both cool for you, and for others.

Stay Hydrated…
Your local TV newshounds always tell ya…“Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water, Gatorade type stuff, but alcohol, is a no-no.”

Pfffffft.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  What is the number one go to item when battling summer’s inferno?  Damn right, an ice cold beer.  A cold beer will extinguish Mother Nature’s blast furnace quicker than anything else.  And…

If after ten or twelve beers you are still hot, simply drop the top on the convertible and take a speedy drive down a curvy country lane.  Paradise.

Tip Your Drive-Thru Attendants Well…
These Angels of Mercy who man the Drive-Thrus of Ohio will be smiling and sweating while attending to your thirsty needs.  The summer heat can take its toll on these lifters of the 30 packs, so even when only spending a couple of bucks on a pop, show your appreciation and leave a sizable tip of between 3-5 dollars when patronizing their establishments.

That may seem extreme, but just as the gratuity gets bigger at a restaurant when the party is larger, tips at a Drive-Thru should rise with the temperature and the Dew Point.

Take Care of Your Pets…
Our pets are some of the closest member of our families, so make certain that they have access to A/C or a fan, and have a comfortable place in which to rest. If you are away, make sure somebody can feed them, provide them with a good meal, and keep Fido and/or Toonces company.

Take Care of the Elderly…
Even the elderly close to us are sometimes an afterthought, however, during this extreme heat we need to keep them nearly foremost in our thoughts.

Sometimes due to fleas, mange, or just plain crabbiness, the elderly can wander off, so keep them on a short leash preferably tied to a shade tree or at least in a place around the yard the gets no direct sunlight between 2 and 4.  A bowl of fresh water would be a nice touch as well.  Although they can see the Lighthouse of Heaven blinking upon the horizon of life, the elderly still get thirsty just like you and I.

And there you have it folks…A few good heat wave tips that the losers on your local TV networks won’t mention.

This is the Matt-Man preparing for the impending heat wave as I get ready for today’s IWS Radio Show which airs LIVE today at 11 AM ET.  And, you can catch it LIVE by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

P.S.  Make sure you ask everyone, "Hot enough for ya?"  People enjoy knowing that you are concerned about their well-being.

16 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Old people can be quite a burden, but what can you do?

Oh and ladies .... Bikini tops and short, tight cutoffs are always a great fashion idea for summer.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: Yeah, old folk are a bit of a drag and emotionally exhausting during times of meteorological crisis, and the bikini tops and shorts? It's not a great fashion idea for every woman. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

Old folks can be a pain. Anyone over forty......TWO should be shot.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Now that was just plain hurtful. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

Mai Yang said...

wow! so much for a helpful tips. hahahaha

Beth said...

Great advice! However, if the A/C doesn't work...you will find me on the 11:00 news. So let it be written.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mai: I and all of us here at IWS are dedicated to helping others out with good advice. Make sure you beat the heat by removing your clothes 'cause that would be HOT. Cheers Mai!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Now, now. Remember. When in the midst of a heatwave, cooler heads prevail, but I'll make sure the DVR is ready to go should your hot rage turn up on the news. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

Rhonda said...

People are getting stupid just THINKING about the heatwave a coming!! Watch out for those wacky Walmart shoppers...they dont wear enough clothes to start with!! Just IMAGINE what its gonna be like at 100 degrees!@?>>? And for all you guys out there (and some gals) getting all excited to see hot chics in bikinis... just remember.. In the mind of a woman.. they are all size 2!!! Your gonna get wayyyy more than you bargained for!! Party on!! And wear your SPF 75.... ITS GONNA BE A SCORCHER!!

I'm With Stupid said...

Rhonda: Great insight Rhonnnnnnnda. And those "size 2's" you mentioned? I'll see plenty in the Beer Mine this weekend. Uuch. 103 projected for tomorrow here in Bagwine!! Cheers Rhonda!!

Matt-Man

Gnetch said...

I'll keep these tips in mind. I'll need these next year.

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: Next year? Do you have the ability to schedule your heatwaves? That's awesome!! Cheers Gnetch!!

Matt-Man

Rhonda said...

Consider yourselves lucky there in Bagwine Ohio.. cause down here in Norf cackilacky... NO DRIVE THRUS!!! YEA.. you heard it right...So Treat Matt Man with the upmost respect this weekend and as always...put the tip IN HIS HAND... dont just toss it at him!! Picking money up off the dirty drive thru floor is not cool....party on!

I'm With Stupid said...

Rhonda: Word and thanks. Cheers Rhonda!!

Matt-Man

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Matt Man I like your suggestions on keeping cool during this fun heat wave. And after reading Mike's post today I have decided to do my laundry while only wearing pearls and heels.
June Cleaver would be proud and I'll be cool.

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: That's HOT!! Cheers Peg!!

Matt-Man