Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Food Network Sucks


Hola foodies and cooks! Hey! Let me ask you guys a question. Is it just me, or does Food Network fucking suck? I swear FN used to be so damn cool, but now? I can barely stand to watch any of it. Yes, even Giada de Laurentiis. Hell, especially Giada. Like I fucking care about her precious over-privileged spoiled little snowflake’s love of chocolate and Russian caviar. Big fucking deal.

I really never thought I would come to this point in my life where I hated Food Network so much. Oh sure, I probably should have known it would happen. Especially after the way HGTV has disappointed me over the last few years. I know nothing ever stays the same, but why change it to something so shitty?

Just as HGTV went away from lots of great home improvement and gardening shows to stupid high end home updates and non-stop real estate glorification crap, Food Network has gone from instructional cooking shows with smart, talented hosts to preparing fancy, expensive meals with fabulous celebrity chefs and their super rich friends. And if they aren’t doing that on FN, they’re celebrating eating 17 lb hamburgers or hanging out with the regular folk at some dive with the biggest fucking douchebag in the world Guy Fieri.

Remember the good old days? You know, back when you could turn on and Sara Moulton would be making a good, affordable meal and actually showing and telling you how it was made? Or Mario would be explaining how to make good Italian food? Or Emeril would be reminding you that there’s no reason to be afraid of cooking and that it isn’t rocket science? Now, all of their hosts are pretending that cooking is almost as difficult as brain surgery and treating chefs as if they actually were brain surgeons.

AND THE SALT! Oh sweet Jesus the salt! Every single show I watch, I find myself screaming at the TV to back off the salt. Hosts like CHEF Anne Burrell will say things like “we have to salt each step in the process.” Well, maybe so, but you don’t have drain the Great Salt Lake to get enough salt to do it with.

How ‘bout ruining a good steak? They can all do it. Take a really great piece of meat and smother it with blue cheese so you won’t be able to taste the meat anymore. What’s the point of that? Why do they always insist on covering up the taste of the food they’re preparing? Same goes for pasta. We all love cheese, but why pile up the asiago or parmesan so high? The asiago is spicy and parmesan is salty! And worst of all, you don’t ALWAYS have to substitute ground turkey for ground beef.

Hell, they can’t even spare the desserts. They just have to add things like Cayenne Pepper to chocolate. Give it a fucking rest! Everything doesn’t have to be gourmet.  Everything doesn’t have to be full of spices and herbs. Sometimes it’s best to just let the food speak for itself.

And a couple of other things that really bug me too. When you grab a spoon and stir the sauces and then taste it, don’t STICK THE GODDAMN SPOON BACK INTO THE SAUCE! You might as well just stick your finger in it you disgusting freak. And, if you don’t mind, when you’re handling poultry and seafood, doing things like cutting it up, fileting or maybe removing that digestive tract from shrimp, wear some food safe gloves. It grosses me out.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 



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42 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I love the food on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. I love the kitschyness, of the food haunts and yet...I want Guy Fieri to succumb to self-aggrandizing asphyxiation. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

'Hola foodies and cooks!'

You lost me at that sentence. Not only do I not like to cook, watching people cook drives me nuts. Someday you'll have to explain this to me.

Beth said...

Don't sugar coat it honey, tell us how you really feel about the Food Network!! I hate it too.

Angie Schleicher said...

Guy Fieri is a douche. But I am with Mat-Man in that the food and the kitschyness of the the diners on his show is worth suffering through his douchiness for. I dream of owning a kitschy little diner like the ones he visits, but if Guy Fieri ever showed up at mine, I'd have to whack him in the head with a skillet.

savannah said...

i hate the comedians/actors who think that because they LIKE to cook that makes them a chef. i miss the instructional shows on hgtv, too. the next show they'll have on is snooki's nursery, bringing up baby, jersey style xoxoxoxo

Gnetch said...

Whenever I watch cooking shows, I've always thought, "Yeah, cooking looks easy for you because you don't have to cut and clean anything!" I mean seriously! Every ingredient is ready in their cute little bowls and all they have to do is pour it in the food they're cooking!

I'm not jealous at all. Of course not!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Oh Jayman I love the Food Network!
(and HGTV & DIY)
Giada not so much and Guy can't go away, far far away fast enough for me. I get why you like Giada - just like her pose here - it's all about the cleveage.
But it does seen that the Food Network is beginning to turn into the Deen channel of late. Paula is enough - I don't need her boys too.

Try The Chew on ABC. I love Mario Batali and Michael Symon - good food and funny.
And I want to know - when you are in your kitchen do you use gloves and wear a hair net. You don't taste your own food? They aren't feeding you or for that matter anyone it's TV. C'mon if you knew what goes on in the kitchen of a resturaunt you would never eat out again! Trust me on that one.

L-Kat said...

I always call her Giardia, so now I associate her food with diarrhea, loss of appetite, and bloating.

I'm thankful I don't have cable otherwise I'd get sucked into channels like TFN.

Wine~Gurl said...

I had to comment on this because Food Network was always my favorite to watch on TV I would keep it on alday.... THEN "IT" happened!! They started getting a lot of ratings and then all of a sudden They started bringing in DUMBASS chefs and then to top it off Emeril Live is gone... then Mario just comes on as a guest on some shows sometimes... THEN all The Traveling shows moved in.. I am sick of it too Jay!! and just for this I am going to write a letter to FOOD NETWORK and I hope they come to my blog or atleast see that I have some bones to pick with them and they will change it.. OH and if they give My Friend a show on there it would be just like eating at home for me!! FUCK FOOD NETWORK!... Shalom until my letter blog to them!!

H

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: What makes that show work is that Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives are always great places to eat. I love them. Hate Guy. ha

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: That's kind of weird.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: The internet doesn't do nuance, so I thought I should be clear about it. ;-)

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Angie: Totally agree. Diners are awesome places. And, being "hood" I like to hang out in dives too.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Savannah: I agree. They love to have celebrities on to cook for them and the celebs always make something that would cost a month's pay.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: IKR? It's always easy when you don't have to do the prep or the cleanup! Those jerks.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Margaret: I do enjoy The Chew. I didn't think I was going to like it at first, but it has grown on me. I like everyone on the show.

I do wear food safe gloves and, even though they are cooking for themselves on that show, they should practice proper kitchen etiquette. ;-)

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

L-Kat: A lot of what Giada makes actually looks really good. It's hard to screw up Italian food though.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Wine~Gurl: Give 'em hell Sweet Pea!!!

Jay

Adam said...

I never liked it

I'm With Stupid said...

Adam: Good for you dude. It doesn't hurt as much as if you never love it to begin with.

Jay

Anonymous said...

OMG...I thought I was the only one. All the FN 'stars' are so full of themselves. Every one of them.....Watch CREATE channel on pbs....so much better. Not the ovberbearing "I'm so in love with myself bullcrap from the hosts of any of those shows....well except for Vicki Payne oh yuck

DTXfood said...

This is basically everything I have been thinking for years! FN just needs competition! They have been the only game on the block too long, and way too cocky about themselves. And do not get me going about The Next Food Network "Star".

And yeah Fieri comes off as such a douche. I live down the street from a place he highlighted (Maple and Motor in Dallas), and they made them close down for the day while the filmed! And the produchers picked folks to get to eat at the place we all eat at all the time.

BG said...

I watch it every so often, but Food Network has taken a similar path as ESPN. That is, going for personas over quality content, all for the sake of ratings. Don't even get me started on "Next Food Network Star".

My two biggest problems: a) anyone ever notice how most of their ads/promos have everyone with their arms crossed in some badass pose? You're making cupcakes...what's intimidating about that? HGTV does that crap a lot too...enough already. b) What's with all the cupcake shows? I like them and all, but when did cupcakes become the IT food? Almost like they're trying to force a trend here.

korova_bar said...

Iam with you friend. Giada, guy fieri and another guy who makes sandwiches. Horrible degradation just like reality shows taking over prime time.

korova_bar said...

Iam with you friend. Giada, guy fieri and another guy who makes sandwiches. Horrible degradation just like reality shows taking over prime time.

korova_bar said...

Iam with you friend. Giada, guy fieri and another guy who makes sandwiches. Horrible degradation just like reality shows taking over prime time.

korova_bar said...

Iam with you friend. Giada, guy fieri and another guy who makes sandwiches. Horrible degradation just like reality shows taking over prime time.

korova_bar said...

Iam with you friend. Giada, guy fieri and another guy who makes sandwiches. Horrible degradation just like reality shows taking over prime time.

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jolie10 said...

I DO remember the good old days of "instructional cooking" shows offered on prime time FN...but that was yesteryear. Now it's ENDLESS crap: All Guy, All The Time....back to back Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. OR Restaurant Impossible. OR stupid reality stuff. I want to learn how to cook well...during prime time...and I don't have a DVR. Where is Tyler Florence?????? Hate FN now!!

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Anyway, I liked reading that someone else does not appreciate the 'newer' food network or hgtv shows... they blow. I'd like to slap those idiots when they talk with a mouthful of food. It must mean that the management was raised in a barn. Maybe those that never got their shows off the ground on FN choked on camera?