Tuesday, June 19, 2012

2012 Summer of Love Horoscope

Happy Summer's Eve all you tan Cupids and sun-splashed Aphrodites out there!!

This is IWS Astrologer and Prophetess, Lana Jouráy here with your 2012 Summer of Love Horoscope.

I have read all the tea leaves, eyed every star, and studied all the chicken entrails in my backyard in order to give you a look into what will happen to you in regards to this upcoming sun and funtastic Summer 2012.

Let’s get to it; shall we, my at long last love and hopeful ones?

We shall...

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As a purist when it comes to cooking out, you have always had “a thing” against gas grills, and during the Fourth of July cookout at your neighbor's house, you will discover that gas grills have always had “a thing” against you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Albeit briefly, you finally fulfill your dream of seeing the Grand Canyon up close and personal when your flight from Phoenix to Honolulu develops engine problems shortly after take off, and your plane crashes right, smack dab in the middle of Mother Nature's glory hole.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Trans-Canada train trip is just what the Doctor ordered, unfortunately for you, the good Doctor should have remembered to sign-off on your nitro tablet refill prior to departing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve always had a hunch that storing your homemade fireworks cache in close proximity to your meth lab was a bad idea, and on June 29th at 4:17 P.M., you’ll quickly and irrevocably find out that your hunch was correct.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Upon coming home from your Trans-Canada train trip,  your euphoric sense of rest and relaxation will be quickly erased when you are met with a lawsuit from the family of a now deceased patient for whom you forgot to sign off on a nitro prescription refill prior to departing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sex on the beach can be a highly erotic, romantic, and sexy activity, but when you do it with a Donald Duck flotation device, it’s just plain creepy, you sick fuck.

Libra  (September 23-October 22)
You find out during your trip to the Everglades that debating a family of alligators over who has the rights to a first-rate camping spot is a losing proposition.

Scorpio  (October 23-November 21)
In late August, the stars are in perfect alignment for you, as in succession, Jerry Mathers, Eve Plumb, and Dick Van Patten eulogize your life following your death resulting from you doing your impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio atop the world’s tallest Ferris wheel.

Sagittarius  (November 22-December 21)
You always tell people, “You can’t have it all.”, but sadly you will find out too late that your pet python Caligula doesn’t adhere to that school of thinking.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s a good thing that you like your summers as you say, “hotter than Hell” because by the end of July and for all eternity, that’s where you will be spending your time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be sure to remember while vacationing in Toronto Labor Day weekend, that when a girl tells you she is 14, the Centigrade to Fahrenheit conversion rate only applies to temperature not to a person’s age.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sadly…after winning First Prize in the Ft. Walton Beach Sand Castle building contest, you and your exquisitely done Jerry Sandusky sandcastle are swept away forever by a sea of angry, anti-pedophile, do-gooder types.

I hope my efforts of prognostication are helpful.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Lana Jouráy saying…

Keep looking up, because the stars wanna shine on your face.

Lana

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

20 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Looks like a summer full of death and destruction.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

It's not going to be pretty Jayman. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

Omgosh!!! I couldn't stop laughing and John couldn't understand me as I read it!! Haha! Will heed her warming! Miss

I'm With Stupid said...

Miss: Ha...It's fine to make your meth, but keep the Roman Candles away from it would ya? Cheers Miss!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

Hahaaaa!

I'm With Stupid said...

Anonymous: Hee. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Jo said...

Time to go stock up on protective crystals, ammo, and Jesus candles.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Well according to Lana, neither the stars not the chicken entrails lie, so you would be well-advised to do so. Cheers Jo!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

OK Lana, you've got me really confused. You seem to be using the old dates for your 12 signs. The dates have been up'dated'.

Also there is a 13 sign system to choose from. My sign there is Ophiuchus. Which is a guy with a big snake between his legs. I like that sign.

There is also a 14 sign system to pick from. Out with the old, in with the new Lana. Out in out in out in. Come on Lana.

Beth said...

Ha! Those damn gas grills have been out to get me for years!

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I'm sorry that I got you hooked on Wild Irish Rose. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: They certainly are ones to hold a grudge. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

David Lawrence said...

I must avoid Canada and check my event calender.

Dana said...

*NOTE TO SELF* Relocate the meth lab.

Truthfully? I want to be a Virgo! What???

I'm With Stupid said...

David: You and me both brutha. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: You dirty flotation device fucker. Cheers Dana and tell Donald I said Hi!!

Matt-Man

Wine~Gurl said...

Your a hot mess as always!! I guess it is a plus that a HOT lady is telling me that my lunch is going to be correct is better than anything!!! I am so happy to hear that!! lol

H

I'm With Stupid said...

Wine: Ha...Your Hunch is correct hot stuff...HUNCH. Cheers Sweetness!!

Matt-Man

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Now I'm mad. You serious? My sand castle is ruined? I hope you're wrong damn prognosticator bitch!

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: The stars don't lie and I know Lana personally, she is always dead on. Sorry for your upcoming loss. Cheers Peg!!

Matt-Man