Monday, June 18, 2012

The Street is a Dangerous Place

Hola all you sheltered people out there living in your safe little worlds. You might think that a white guy from a little bitty town in Arkansas like me wouldn't know much about life on the streets. Or, figure what I do know I learned from movies, TV shows and rap music. Well, you’d be wrong. I’m surprisingly gangsta and quite comfortable hanging out with people that many of you consider to be the unwashed masses. Working class, poor, homeless, street walkers, drug dealers, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads. They all adore me. They think I'm a righteous dude.

So, I thought I would break down life on the streets for you crackers in a way that I know is most important to you. I will list all the people you run into on the street from LEAST to MOST dangerous.

- Homeless Person/Wino: People are always afraid of homeless, but they’re rarely dangerous. For one thing, they’re usually very malnourished and don’t have the strength or energy to do anything. They’re a lot like vegans in this respect. Also, they are generally defeated and have given up.

- Drug Dealer (Boss): The lieutenants and bosses generally know that fights, killings and other disturbances are really bad for business. The only thing they want is to move product and get paid.

- Mentally Disturbed: Okay, getting dangerous. These guys are unpredictable and while they usually aren’t dangerous, you have to keep an eye on them.

- Drug Dealer (Corner boy/Slinger): Not as disciplined as their bosses, but they have learned that when they cause problems, especially with regular everyday people, their bosses come down on them REALLY hard.

- Addict/Tweakers: Have absolutely no control over what they are doing. Often times are very volatile. You can’t fuck with them the way you can your drunk or high friends.

- Hookers/Prostitutes: I’m not being negative here. Y’all know that I love and respect hookers very much. But, these girls (and guys) have been beaten, robbed, raped and otherwise shit on so much that they are always on guard. Anything doesn’t look right at all and you’ll get a kick to the nuts before you know what happened.

- Drunk College Kids/Drunken Loudmouths: I hate these fucking people. They are usually rude, crude and just generally horrible people. They get drunk and want to fight. When they get into fights things get out of hand and innocent bystanders get caught up in the battle. And there are always these losers who can’t take an ass beatin’ who just run out to their car and grab a gun and start shooting indiscriminately.

- Police: They’re here to serve and protect right? Yeah, well if they decide you’re up to something and you try to explain you’re not or worse, dare to invoke your rights, they will beat and taser your ass relentlessly. Then they’ll charge you with made up shit and the only way you can get out of it is to agree not to file abuse charges.

- Banker/Finance Expert: Okay, so they won’t bother you on the street or attack you physically or anything like that. But, be a couple of days late on a mortgage payment and they’ll take everything you own. And what’s worse is that the entire government apparatus from the local police, prosecutors, judges and city council all the way up through the state and federal government are there to protect the bankers from YOU, not the other way around.  You have no fucking chance against these vicious mother fuckers.

As you can see, the street is a dangerous place for people who don’t know what’s up. I don’t recommend any of you folks take any chances out there. Just stay in the safety of your nice quiet suburban home. As long as you don’t get involved in any of their swinger parties or get terrorized by their teenage kids because you did something to piss them off.


Speaking of Life in the Hood, that’s what we talked about on I’m With Stupid this week. Matt and Jay talked about some of the benefits and difficulties of apartment living. They told stories of rowdy neighbors, burglaries, busybodies and all the other characters they’ve encountered through the years. Also, Matt updated us on his new friend Dumpster Dave which reminded Jay of a very heartwarming “Homeless Guy at the Dumpster Story” of his own. Oh and there was a rather strange phone call too. Another classic episode of IWS!

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Jo said...

This only adds to your mystique.

I'd like to add to your list:
1) Ladies Who Lunch & say "Toodles"
2) People who say "The Word of God" in casual conversation
3) Overscheduled moms who sneak their kids' Ritalin

Mike said...

'Homeless Person/Wino'
I used to work in downtown St. Louis. There was one wino that would wait just around the (any)corner. When you got close he would jump out and demand an odd amount of change.

Gnetch said...

This is why I'd rather stay at home and socialize through the web instead! It's safer.

I'm With Stupid said...

Don't sell the homeless short. A grocery cart full of 50 lbs of aluminum cans can be a deadly weapon. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: All very dangerous people for different reasons.


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Gotta love a creative homeless guy.


I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: Brilliant plan! I mostly do the same thing.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: Luckily for us, most don't realize what a weapon that shopping cart can be.


Rhonda G said...

Let's not forget the very creative people of Walmart parking lots. How many of you (raise your hands) have had some encounter with a pretty cleaned up, polite person asking for money to help them get some gas?? (hand raised)...(1...2...3....AH I see quite a few of you!!) One story was very creative that I encountered in the parking lot of Wally World on the West side of Matt Man's town. He said his girlfriend was stuck in Indiana and he needed BUS FARE for her to get to him cause he just got home from Afganistan...let me point out that IN NOW WAY did this dude look Military. He did however, have the look of .. I just got up from my daily snooze under that tree over there. I think I gave him a dollar and he turned nasty..."You Bitch!!"...You betcha!!

I'm With Stupid said...

Rhonda: I wish you had called into Sunday's show to tell us that story because it's a classic. As if Walmart isn't soul-sucking enough, you get beggars in the parking lot. Nice!


David Lawrence said...

Women who say toodles terrify me.

I'm With Stupid said...

David: They are very dangerous women who are not to be trusted for a minute.


Wine~Gurl said...

Hey Jay..Us winos are so not giving up we are mostly giving in to the dream of many.. To be able to have a bottle in our hands at all times.... lol

The hood sounds really entertaining and well for that matter I am going to go and at least hang out in the hood to see if I fit in there... and I will be bringing my bottle(s) of wine with me to see if I can make somemore friends and be invited back to Hang!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Wine~Gurl: I should probably go with you when you hang out in the Hood. Just to be safe. I'm protective like that. ;-)