Newt Gingrich's Future in the Romney Administration

Holaaaaaa! Well, our good friend and I’m With Stupid listener and reader, Newt Gingrich has once again showed us all what an unconventional candidate for president he is. He is now charging $50 for people who want their picture taken with him. You know, strippers usually only charge $25. Well, unless they’re a “feature” or porn star. Even then they usually let you grab their boobs or they grab your junk to make it fun and worth it.

Not only is Newt doing that, but he’s hinting that he might be ready to get out of the race. There’s only one catch though. He will only get out if he was offered the right position in the Romney administration. Only Newt Gingrich could finish Dead Fucking Last, be millions in debt in his campaign and then put special conditions on his getting out of the race.

So, I thought I would list a few jobs that Newt could possibly be offered:

White House Greeter: Mitt isn’t very good at dealing with regular people, but Newt is great at it! Newt is just your average every day guy and was born to be a greeter. He could put on a comfy track suit and maybe a red or blue vest with a nametag that says “Newtie” on it and greet people on behalf of the White House. Also, kids love him and will love it when he puts a little smiley sticker on their cheeks.

Valet and Car Elevator Operator: When Romney isn’t on the road campaigning and at the White House presidentin’, Newt could work as the Valet at the Romney’s La Jolla, CA mansion that is being built. Hell, the Romney’s have a big enough family that even when they aren’t entertaining big shots, they’ll need a valet. And, of course they’ll need someone to run the CAR ELEVATOR that is being installed at the new home.

Romney Administration Historian: We all know that Newt is a historian who has been paid big money to give advice to companies like Fannie Mae on historical events and stuff. So, this is basically right up his alley. Hell, they could probably even find him an office in the basement of the White House to use. He could sit down there and offer a daily recorded history of the happenings of the Romney administration. Since Newt has no problem just making shit up, you can be sure it would all be really positive, but someone will have to review his work as he tends to get a little self-aggrandizing at times.

White House Enemy Insulter and Race-Baiter: Mitt is uncomfortable being mean to people. He prefers to keep a pleasant attitude about things and be the polite gentleman that he is. Newt on the other hand doesn’t have a lot of social skills and generally just says whatever is on his mind. So, whenever President Romney is angry with someone, he could just send Newt out to belittle them and infer that the person in question is of questionable heritage and limited intellectual capabilities. And, to keep the republican base stirred up, Mitt can send Newt out to go after blacks and Hispanics with thinly veiled racists attacks. This allows Mitt to keep his image as a thoughtful and considerate man, while keeping things stirred up.

Ambassador to the Vatican: Hey, you guys let him convert, he’s yours now.

So, as you can see, there are several ways that Newt could be of use to Willard. If Willard is the brilliant tactician and businessman he always claims to be, he should make an offer to Newt and start taking advantage of Newt’s unique skillset immediately.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS