Holaaaaaa! Well, our good friend and I’m With Stupid listener
and reader, Newt Gingrich has once again showed us all what an unconventional
candidate for president he is. He is now charging $50 for people who want their
picture taken with him. You know, strippers usually only charge $25. Well,
unless they’re a “feature” or porn star. Even then they usually let you grab
their boobs or they grab your junk to make it fun and worth it.
Not only is Newt doing that, but he’s hinting that he might
be ready to get out of the race. There’s only one catch though. He will only
get out if he was offered the right position in the Romney administration. Only
Newt Gingrich could finish Dead Fucking Last, be millions in debt in his
campaign and then put special conditions on his getting out of the race.
So, I thought I would list a few jobs that Newt could
possibly be offered:
White House Greeter:
Mitt isn’t very good at dealing with regular people, but Newt is great at it!
Newt is just your average every day guy and was born to be a greeter. He could
put on a comfy track suit and maybe a red or blue vest with a nametag that says
“Newtie” on it and greet people on behalf of the White House. Also, kids love
him and will love it when he puts a little smiley sticker on their cheeks.
Valet and Car
Elevator Operator: When Romney isn’t on the road campaigning and at the
White House presidentin’, Newt could work as the Valet at the Romney’s La
Jolla, CA mansion that is being built. Hell, the Romney’s have a big enough
family that even when they aren’t entertaining big shots, they’ll need a valet.
And, of course they’ll need someone to run the
CAR ELEVATOR that is being installed at the new home.
Romney Administration
Historian: We all know that Newt is a historian who has been paid big money
to give advice to companies like Fannie Mae on historical events and stuff. So,
this is basically right up his alley. Hell, they could probably even find him
an office in the basement of the White House to use. He could sit down there
and offer a daily recorded history of the happenings of the Romney
administration. Since Newt has no problem just making shit up, you can be sure
it would all be really positive, but someone will have to review his work as he
tends to get a little self-aggrandizing at times.
White House Enemy Insulter
and Race-Baiter: Mitt is uncomfortable being mean to people. He prefers to
keep a pleasant attitude about things and be the polite gentleman that he is.
Newt on the other hand doesn’t have a lot of social skills and generally just
says whatever is on his mind. So, whenever President Romney is angry with
someone, he could just send Newt out to belittle them and infer that the person
in question is of questionable heritage and limited intellectual capabilities.
And, to keep the republican base stirred up, Mitt can send Newt out to go after
blacks and Hispanics with thinly veiled racists attacks. This allows Mitt to
keep his image as a thoughtful and considerate man, while keeping things
stirred up.
Ambassador to the
Vatican: Hey, you guys let him convert, he’s yours now.
So, as you can see, there are several ways that Newt could
be of use to Willard. If Willard is the brilliant tactician and businessman he
always claims to be, he should make an offer to Newt and start taking advantage
of Newt’s unique skillset immediately.
11 comments:
Newt's talents are so damn vast and varied, he could do anything. Well anything, but remained married to one woman for any length of time. Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
'White House Enemy Insulter and Race-Baiter'
Maybe Newt and Rush could mud wrestle for that job.
I'm not sure if it's such a good idea to have the guy working at Walmart. $50 for a picture? Imagine how much he would charge you just for a sticker or a "Welcome to
Walmart!".
Matt-Man: Newt is so talented that he could ALMOST be part of the IWS staff. Almost.
Jay
Mike: Rush is a freelancer. Newt wants to freelance but can't make enough money at it.
Jay
DWei: He'll be stealing the kid's candy money while giving them the sticker.
Jay
Newt probably got the idea from strippers, except he tried to charge them.
Adam: I would try to get strippers to pay to get pics with me if I could. In fact, I'm gonna try that next time I'm in a strip club.
Jay
what's this again? haha
Mai: Oh just making fun of an old mean racist jerk who wants to be president. ha
Thanks for coming by!
Jay
White House Greeter. That's so fucking brilliant I can't even... I can't even believe it isn't real. Well done Jay.
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