What is in Mitt Romney's Tax Returns?

Hola Bitches! As you have probably heard, GOP presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney has so far refused to release his tax returns. He’s being pretty heavily criticized for this, but I think he has some good reasons. I mean, just think about all the vicious attacks he will face from left-wing, pink-o, OWS-loving socialists like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich. It will be their attacks on Romney’s tenure at Bain Capital on steroids!

Of course, we all already know that Mitt makes a lot of money. But, despite that, we also know that he’s a man of the people. Being the Chief Investigative Candidate Tax Return Reporter for I’m With Stupid, I have found some things in Mr. Romney’s tax returns that he would rather the world not find out about. Of course, I have an ethical and moral obligation to list them here …

- He declares Tim Pawlenty as a dependent.
- Sends $20 home to his family in Mexico every other week.
- Is addicted to buying things for the kitchen on QVC.
- Donated 2,000 “I’m Pro-Choice and I Vote” t-shirts from his old senate campaign to Goodwill.
- Is classified as a compact for import tax purposes, but an SUV for fuel mileage requirements.
- Lists job title as “BAMF”
- Deducted $34,922.31 in hair products as “work supplies.”
- Deducted $7,819.85 in tuition at the Machiavellian School of Politics as campaign expenses.
- Claims that he gets paid in “Envy Dollars.” 
- Lists home state as Massachusetts, Utah, California and Michigan.
- Deducted $54,989.59 for severance pay for “Losers I Fired.”
- Deducted $38,522.49 for service of “Romney 2012 CPU” to keep candidate functioning.
- Bought 3,552 wedding gifts for family members last year.
- Deducted $17.22 for “Moose or Elk or WhatTheHellEver Hunting Expenses”
- Deducted $1,944.38 for “Dog Grooming Expenses.”

And of course, this was all on income of only $7,322,698.03 which just barely gets him into the middle class. We will soon find out that Willard pays somewhere around 15% in federal income taxes. Just like all the rest of the average everyday folks do. And, looking over these expenses, I can see why Willard wants to keep it under wraps. God only knows what else other investigative reporters with bigger budgets might uncover.

But, when they do, please don’t let them give all the credit for breaking this story wide op to someone at CNN or the Washington Post or some crappy fake news organization like that. Please help me remind them who it was who did all the dirty work here and I deserve the credit. Thanks in advance.