Sunday, September 11, 2011

Vince Lombardi: Today's NFL Sucks!


Hola bitches! Vince Lombardi here to talk about something near and dear to my long decomposed heart. The NATIONAL Football League. And who better to discuss the state of today’s game than me? I mean, they named the freaking Super Bowl trophy after me. That pretty much makes me the all-time expert of experts, amirite? 

The guys at “I’m With Stupid” asked noted medium Will M. Dye to contact me and have me come back and watch some film of the last couple of seasons of the NFL and evaluate the game as it stands today. So, I did it. What the hell else did I have to do? Sit around and play Hearts with George Halas, Tom Landry and Hank Stram? God they bore the shit outta me! 

As I sat here, watching NFL games while eating microwave popcorn and drinking beer I could only think of one thing to say…

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!! 

Look at these guys! They’re all a bunch of fancy-pants pretty boys.  They prance around the field and jump around and dance and shit after a routine play. They have reality TV shows, whatever the fuck those are. If any of them have a little headache they’re out for two weeks. What a bunch of crybabies!
And what the hell is this team and personal sports psychologist shit? In my day if a player got his feelings hurt or couldn’t handle it mentally, we got rid of him. Now they bring in some pansy-ass to counsel him and tell him that his feelings are valid. And then they tell the coach to handle him with kid gloves. 

I SAY BULLSHIT! 

And you know what? It gets worse. You get a 15 yard penalty if you breathe on the QB too hard. Those twinkle-toe little sissies might as well be wearing an apron and heels out there. And, they’re heading the same direction for the rest of the players. Pretty soon the NFL will be the NFFL: National FLAG Football League. 

Hell, the game itself is pretty damn boring anymore. They kick off from the 35 so every damn kick will sail into the end zone with no return. They don’t want to get the poor guys hurt. Awwwwwwww. Poor widdle footbaw pwayers! Can’t block or tackle hard cause they make so much and the team doesn’t want to hurt their “investment.” 

And the play calling?! OY VEY! I swear if a team has a 3rd down and a foot, they’ll have the QB turn and throw the ball 10 yards backwards and make the receiver make up all the yards.  I can’t even take it. It’s all about finesse. Little screen passes, bubble screens, seriously, “bubble?” That’s the gayest sounding play I’ve ever heard. What the hell happened to my league? In my day, we played like men. We hit people. We ran the football and didn’t worry about dancing around. We just slammed it up in there. 

And there wasn’t any of this rolling around on the ground in pain either. We sucked it up and kept playing. Now they lay there and the team sends out trainers, a doctor, a nutritionist and that fucking psychologist. While all that is happening the networks show these inane Cialis commercials. Seriously, what’s the fucking deal with those two outdoor tubs? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!
You know what? I can’t take it anymore. I’m going back to the card game with the guys. Even sitting a listening to Coach Halas talk about how painful it is to take a shit is more fun than the NFL anymore. 

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In other news we had football frenzy on I’m With Stupid on Saturday. Well, we had a frenzy at least. Sunshine State Shirley and her friend Donna BOTH called in.  We did give some expert analysis though. At one point Jayman got off this gem: “Notre Dame played great. I mean they dominated the game, they just didn’t score enough points.”  

Also, we made a big announcement. The announcement is that the Monday show will now be at 11 am EDT on Wednesday. The Saturday show remains at 6:30 pm EDT.  Okay, so check out the show. It rocked and so do you! 

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2 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

The best thing about the card game that they have? When Paul Hornung dies, he'll have something to bet on. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

'Monday show will now be at 11 am EDT on Wednesday'

So that's like 10am on Tuesday in the midwest right?