Thursday, September 22, 2011

Todd and Sarah Palin Divorcing...There's Weeping in Wasilla

Hopey Changey…Drill Baby Drill…Lame Stream Media…

You know how often I have heard those phrases warbled by a voice that echoes with the sound of a toucan suffering from throat cancer? Christ Almighty, enough!!

Sorry…guess I should introduce myself. Todd Palin here, and if you have heard the rumors, you know that I am so going to divorce Sarah Palin.

Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth that have occurred since the rumor broke Wednesday. Todd Palin is going to divorce America’s Sweetheart. America’s Sweetheart my ass…

It would be more accurate to call her America’s Trainwreck. Dear God, what a horrid human being she is.

The newly released book, The Rogue by Joe McGinnis, unfortunately, yet accurately, sums up many of her character flaws, her drug-addled sexcapades, and what a Christ-Hating hypocrite she is.

Now don’t get me wrong…I denounce Mr. McGinnis for stalking us and writing this book, but I do not denounce the accuracy of his reporting. I’d like to, but I can’t.

We were going to get divorced before, because she cheated on me with my business partner, but then John McCain wheeled up to the house in his Rascal scooter and asked her to be his VP candidate, and we did just have that retarded kid, Trig…So what could I do?

Ha Trig…Yeah, I don’t see trigonometry in his future…anyway…

All the other kids’ names are fucked up as well, and should be grounds for divorce in themselves…Piper…Track…Willow…and Bristol. What the fuck? Was Sarah snorting cocaine when she came up with those names?

At least she wasn’t thinking about the time she was screwing Glen Rice when she came up with those names, else they’d be known as, T-Rig Thug, Piperlicious, Fast Track Leon, Wil-Lowdown-Smoothie, and Baby Daddy Maker. Oy!!

Anyway…The Eski-Ho is a joke and she’s the only one who doesn’t see that…well…and a few million other ass clowns. Man, I have never understood the affection that so many folks feel for her.

Hell, screw the McGinnis book. I could tell you things beyond the coke snorting, the sex with Nubian roundball studs, and the cheating on me with my biz partner.

Sarah brags about shooting moose and field dressing them…that’s bullshit.

Oh sure she smells like a moose that has just been shot and carved up, ‘cause man, that chick stinks and never bathes in a normal fashion, but she has never taken down any wild animal other than a wolverine…basketball player.

Sarah takes what you guys in the lower 48 call a Kentucky Bath. She simply pours on the Chanel by the gallon, and hopes her inner stink doesn’t ooze through the gasping scent of the eau de cologne.

And listen to me guys…You right wing males out there who think she’s hot? Ha. Let me tell you, I have seen her naked far more often than I have wanted to.

She often wears tight jeans, trying to showcase her ass. Pleeeeease…When she takes her jeans off, her ass spontaneously combusts like the airbag on the steering heel of a Subaru…leaving one with bruises, a sulfur smell, and heartache.  But...

In spite of her of her self-absorbed, ego-driven personality, I was going to try to find a final solution to our problems by taking her on a second honeymoon to Aruba.

She saw right through my attempt at my trendy Aruban uxoricide plan, which both pissed me off, and amazed me, because the stupid bitch can’t spell uxoricide, let alone know what it means.

Anyway…I am divorcing her, and please don’t hate me. I’ve been through a lot.

I apologize for the horror this may cause in your sad, blindly believing lives, but don’t fret for me…

I am going to look up Michele Bachmann, punch her gay husband in the junk, and bust my cap in her ass.

Thank You,

Todd “Dumb Bitch’s Former First Dude” Palin

P.S. If you have any legal inquiries, litigation, or lawsuits, please contact Matt-Man at:

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS 


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12 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I can't wait until they fight over who gets stuck with the kids. She's way too busy flying around in fancy private jets and staying at 5-star hotels while giving speeches to take them. He can't be sure they're his, so he probably doesn't want them either. Pass the popcorn!

- Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: I think maybe he'd prefer to just grab a bottle of Jack and go on his merry way on his snowmobile, leaving her alone with her sad, sorry self. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

net observer said...

this was soooo cruel...but funny as hell =)

Mike said...

So I guess 'the Todd' can get back to the business of his succession plan. Todd, make it a package deal. Take Texas with you.

Beth said...

All I have to say is, it's about time that fucker wised up!

I'm With Stupid said...

Net: Why thank you, and thanks for the comment. Cheers!!

Mike: Sometimes you are just flat out brilliant. Cheers!!

Beth: Don't sugar coat it. Tell us how you really feel. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

MysteryChick said...

That poor guy, I wonder what the hell she was putting in his kool aid all theses years to keep him around. I'd say he could come here and cry on my shoulder but I have enough stupid in my life right now. BTW - Have I told you lately that I love you guys?! This post was good for my morning Diet Coke going up my nose.

I'm With Stupid said...

Chick: I have thought about what you have said, and I have no idea how anyone could spend all those years with her. It completely befuddles me. Thanks for kudos and I apologize for the coke up the nose. Cheers Hot Stuff, and I'll make sure to add you to the Blogroll.

Matt-Man

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

If only this were true clever Matt Man.
My cold heart would love to see Todd divorce her ass.

It would fall nicely into the list of things she spews...you know like just say no to sex and both her kids have had gotten knocked up before marriage.

Todd doesn't have the cojlione's to leave her. Then again he could be taking a page from her playbook and give up his job before he fulfills his duties.

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: She's vile and maybe there's a glimmer of common sense in his head. And I must say...

Then again he could be taking a page from her playbook and give up his job before he fulfills his duties.

Well done. Cheers Peg!!

Matt-Man

A Beer for the Shower said...

Trigonometry? Sweet jesus you had me in stitches. So I guess this means we won't be able to look forward to any more seasons of their cable-tv dumbfuckery?

I'm With Stupid said...

Beer: If there is a divorce, I'm sure the Palins will rally 'round mommy and grace a TV screen near you in no time. Cheers!!

Matt-Man