Thursday, September 22, 2011

Schweddy Balls Will Never Touch These Lips


As you probably know by now, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream released a new flavor this week called “Schweddy Balls.”  It’s a tribute to one of the great Saturday Night Live skits of all time when Alec Baldwin was a “guest” on *says in a low, breathy voice* National Public Radio.

Anyway, as you can imagine there some organizations out there have a problem with this. And they all have something to do with “Family” “Jesus” or “Mommy.” One such organization is One Million Moms. They’re damn pissed! 

But, there is another group located here in Redneckville, Arkansas that is even more pissed, but isn’t as well-known as One Million Moms. This group is named World Holiness Order of Reformed Evangelical Sinners. Or just the “Holiness Order.” 

Because we are a public service blog, Matt-Man and I agreed to let the President of this group, Anita Lay, use this blog to express their extreme displeasure with Ben & Jerry’s decision to release “Schweddy Balls.” 

“As Jayman would say ‘Hola Bit … uh … Slang Term for Female Dogs’ hehe … Anita Lay, President of the Holiness Order here! And I would like to thank the boys at I’m With Stupid for letting me vent here. It’s very nice of them even if I do find them to be morally reprehensible most of the time. 

Anyway, I’m here to ask, no, DEMAND that the left-wing, socialist-loving company Ben & Jerry’s put their Schweddy Balls away! Nobody wants to see them. They shouldn’t be out in public.  Look, I don’t care what someone does in private. But, I shouldn’t have to worry about my kids walking through the ice cream section of the grocery store and risk seeing Schweddy Balls! And they damn well better not see anyone licking some Schweddy Balls at the ice cream shop at the outdoor mall! 

They are entirely too young to know what Schweddy Balls are and what you do with them. And I shouldn’t be forced to discuss this with them just yet. They will learn these things on their wedding night like I did.  It’s bad enough that when my kids were playing ‘Dancing with The Stars’ the other night my son was wearing my house dress and claimed he was doing a ‘Reverse Chaz Bono.’ *shudder* 

How far have we fallen as a society when we allow something like ice cream to be perverted with the name of ‘Schweddy Balls?’ I mean, what the H.E. Double Hockey Stick? Why don’t they just come out with a whole line of offensive ice cream names? Names like…

‘It Taint Bad’
‘Swamp Ass’
‘Boob Sweat’
‘Cleveland Steamer’
‘Tossed Salad’
‘Fudge Packer’
‘Pearl Necklace’

Not that I have any idea what any of those terms mean. I had the black kid next door right down a few of them for me. I knew he would know them. The heathen. 

Oh and one last thing because I know you are wondering. These lips HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER touch any Schweddy Balls. I’m not even the least bit curious what it would be like at all. AAAAANND, no Schweddy Balls will ever touch my daughter’s lips either. And they sure AS HECK won’t touch my son’s lips! So there! 

Anyway, thank you for letting me speak my mind here today. God bless you, and God Bless I’m With Stupid and GOD BLESS AMERICA!”

Anita Lay
Head HO

Also, because I’m a world famous internet radio star, and marketing and branding expert, I am currently acting as the interim communications director. I’m doing this for free because I’m a Person Interesting in Making Progress. So, if you have any comments or complaints, feel free to contact me.

 

24 comments:

Knight said...

I dont get why everyone is so uptight. With the exception of Anita Lay obviously. I think Shweddy Balls sounds amazingly delicious. I'm sure if everyone just put Shweddy Balls in their mouth before starting a rant the world would be a more peaceful place.

Mike said...

I forgot what I was going to say.

I'm With Stupid said...

I love the stuff, however I microwave it for a few seconds first, because I like Schweddy Balls soft. Nothing like soft, Schweddy Balls dribbling on my lips and trickling down my throat. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

MysteryChick said...

I'm with Knight, I don't get it either.

Oh, and I'm with Matt too!

I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: Great idea! Next time someone is just rambling on and on about something I'm going to yell "Go put some Schweddy Balls in your mouth!"

- Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Happens when you get older. Or so I hear. ;-)

- Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: Schweddy Balls are always best when warm and soft.

- Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

MC: Good job getting along with everyone today. haha ;-)

- Jay

Gnetch said...

Of course you don't know what those words mean! I believe you.

I'm being a good friend here, supporting you!

Mike said...

May or may not catch the call tomorrow. And my forgetting had more to do with reading Knights comment.

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: I'm pure and innocent. I swear!

- Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Knight has a way of distracting people.

- Jay

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