Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Rick Perry for President 2012

Hi y’all and youzzins, Governor Rick Perry of Texas here, and Ima runnin’ for President. Dint see that comin’ did ya?

Well I did…and I knew I was gunna run for some weeks. I just dint want them other Republican Presidential wannabes know that this Lone Star State Stallion was about to kick their electoral heads in.

Listen my friends, I am all about America…I am the embodiment of the greatest of America…

I am America.

Growing up, I was moved and inspired by reading about the early Presidents of this great nation.

Historical accounts of Presidents George Washington, Sam Houston, and Jefferson Davis fueled my desire to achieve the greatness that I knew existed within my bein’.

After graduatin’ from Texas A&M with a degree in Animal Science, a career in the Air Force, I became a legislator and later Governor of Texas, but…I wasn’t fulfilled. Sumpin’ was missin’.

And then my friends in Christ, the greatest President of all spoke to me from afar.

It was GAWD, and he asked me to run for President…he called me to run…he chose me to run.

And so, on His word, I am.

Our nation is livin’ in the end times my friends. People goin’ hungry…Precious babies without health insurance…Regressive taxes, and an insufferable number of teens without a High School diploma.

I oughta know, because under my command, the Great Republic of Texas leads the nation in most of those things. Can I get a, WOOP WOOP…Texas Number ONE, my friends.

Texas also leads the nation in creatin’ new jobs. Damn right. While the rest of the country is bleedin’ jobs to foreigners, I have been importin’ jobs.

Just ask states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Massachusetts, and New York. Your jobs aint goin’ to Mexico; they’re comin’ to Texas, you Yankee bastards. Yeee Haww…Texas Number ONE, again, my friends!!

I’ve created a situation where Texas is “business-friendly”. Union shops? No. Entitlements to Health Care? No. Cheap labor from Mexico? Hell Yes!! But don’t take that the wrong way…

Some, especially on the right, claim that I waffle and am soft on the issue of illegal immigration. Those ass hat rodeo clowns who say that, are namby pamby, Michelle Bachmann pussies.

The reason I am in favor of less restrictive borders with Mexico, is so I can accomplish something that the Mexicans and their government have never been able to accomplish…

To at long last, draw the infamous Devil-Beast, Chupacabra into the open and shoot the hell out of his ass.

Come across the border Mr. Chupacabra and watch ol’ President Rick Perry put a shit load of lead into your Godless goat suckin’ head!! Boo Yah and hand me my Winchester!!

Anyhoo, my fellow Christian Americans…When I go in, I go ALL in, so take me as I am and know that I am the chosen one.

And to Michelle Bachmann, you can be me running mate anytime babe. Sure, Mitt Romney has better hair than you, but I hear he doesn’t swallow.

For I’m With Stupid, this is your next President, Rick Perry sayin’…

God Bless America, and bring me the head of the Chupacabra.

Yours in Christ,

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)


Jay said...

And if that Mr. Fancypants at the Fed tries to do anything to keep the economy from collapsing he better not show up in Texas or he'll get a whuppin!

Yeah, this is gonna be fun. Remember folks, when G.W. Bush was governor and Perry was the Lt. Gov, Bush was considered the smart one.

IWS Radio said...

Jay: Well of course Dubya was smarter; Perry went to Texas A&M for god sakes. Texas A&M!! Cheers Jayman!!


Beth said...

I like the Chupacabra reference. Rick Perry is one crazy mofo!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Guess I should register then...huh?

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: I think he is a true man of GAWD.

Vin: Well yeah. If you don't register and vote for the Rickster, you hate the Baby Jeebus.