Tuesday, August 23, 2011

GOP Debate Series Part II


Welcome once again folks to our GOP Debate Series. You may recall that we started things off with a question about the economy and our recovery from a recession. In today’s installment we’ll be talking about foreign relations and the various wars and military actions that the US is currently involved in. Okay, let’s get after it!

Q: We are currently embroiled in two wars, Iraq and Afghanistan, and several military actions that aren’t official wars in places like Libya, Yemen and Somalia. How would you extricate the US from these countries and improve our standing with other nations in the world? 

Mitt Romney: Well, luckily I’m a very handsome, extremely charming man with impeccable manners. That’s why everyone all around the world will like me and want to be my friend. I also have a great deal of experience in taking over operations and shutting things down. I know I did it in the corporate world, taking over a company and shutting it down and kicking the employees to the curb, and it will work here too. I’ll just shut things down. We’ll sell of any assets over there and send all the Americans home.  

Rick Perry: I think this is a situation where you need to kick ass and take names. I think the thing to do is to go over to these countries and stand tall and yell “I’M RIGHT HERE BUDDY! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? COME AND GET IT! LET’S GO!”  I think that’s what people respect. Nobody wants to hear a bunch of talk and attempts at being friends. They’ll respond to a little kick in the behind. 

Michele Bachmann: Oh I tell you what, this is a very important question. It’s too bad Obama is such a failure and has created this problem by sending all those troops into places like Iraq and Afghanistan and those other places you mentioned that I will go and look up on Google Maps right after the debate. But, what I think is most important is to be firm with these people just like I have to be with my 27 foster children. Sometimes they don’t want to do their chores around the farm. But, you just have to keep after ‘em and remind of what God wants them to do. 

Herman Cain: Uh, well. I think that it’s important for us to lighten the mood a bit over there. Maybe try to tell a few jokes and get them laughing. Once you do that, you can sit down and talk to them. Well, YOU can. I don’t talk to Muslims. 

Rick Santorum: I would tell them that we already have some common ground upon which we can build a new relationship. Our shared hatred for gays. *shudder* OH MAN THEY CREEP ME OUT!!! 

John Huntsman: I too have excellent speaking skills and my multicultural family allows me to be much more comfortable with people who aren’t like me. That, along with my diplomatic experience, will allow me to forge new relationships with the people of the Middle East and around the world. We’ll bring back the troops and wind down military activities in an orderly, proficient manner. 

Ron Paul: What the hell are these morons talking about? Bring them all home. Cut off all foreign aid. These people should be left to deal with their problems on their own, just as we should be too. They don’t like us, we don’t like them. So fuck it. 

Newt Gingrich: As a historian I can tell you that Obama is doing everything all wrong. Obama had the chance to turn the entire Middle East into a bastion of Democracy. Instead, he chose to coddle those people and try to be their best friend. Just like the Nazis did back in the day. 

Well, there ya have it folks. I hope you appreciate this public service that we here at I’m With Stupid are providing as much as we are. This is truly fascinating and educational. We’ll be back to talk social problems next week.

4 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

What the fuck is Huntsman's problem? He's like sooooo lame.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

These people are all fools

Mike said...

You forgot stealth candidate Sarah. I'm sure she would have SOMEthing to say.

A Beer for the Shower said...

You know what creeps me out more than Rick Santorum? Actual Santorum. If you don't get that reference, Google it. The gays honorarily made his last name a word.