Sunday, August 14, 2011

GOP Debate Series Part 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first in a series of GOP Debates being held here on the I’m With Stupid blog and sponsored by the I’m With Stupid internet radio show. 

The format is simple. We’ll throw out a very important question that is something that matters greatly to the American people and give each candidate a chance to answer it to the best of his or her abilities. We’ll do one question each week. Please withhold your applause until after each candidate has had a chance to answer, and try to refrain from any loud verbal outbursts other than laughter.  Okay, let’s get started.

Q1: What, if anything, would you do to improve the economy and maybe speed up the recovery?

Michele Bachmann: Well, I would do a heck of a lot more than Obama, I tell you that much right now. I think mostly I would just tilt my head back a bit and open my eyes really wide and stare at the economy until it began whimpering and fidgeting like Rick Santorum having to ride in an elevator with all of Lady Ga Ga’s male back up dancers. 

Mitt Romney: First I’d just like to say that those Patriots are looking good and it’s gonna be another great championship season for them coming right on the heels of a Red Sox World Series Win! Wooo! But, as to your question, I would use my rugged good looks and natural charm along with my impeccable manners to make the economy feel completely comfortable with me and then covert it into a growing, dynamic economy.

Tim Pawlenty: Uh, I would mostly just bad-mouth the economy behind its back and then be all deferential to it to its face in hopes that it would like me.  

Ron Paul: I wouldn’t do a GOD DAMN THING! The economy is on its own. Just like the rest of us. 

Herman Cain: I would check the recipe and make sure I got all the ingredients right. Then I’d let it rise, fall and rise again. Then, cover it with all kinds of goodies to enhance its look and taste and put it in a preheated oven to rise to its full potential. 

Gary Johnson: I would smoke a doobie and tell everyone to chill out. 

Rich Santorum: I’d stop those nasty, disgusting gays from getting married. They’re so gross! Ewwww! 

Newt Gingrich: I’m already running a million dollar tab at Tiffany’s and going on cruises around the Greek Isles, what the hell else do you people want from me? 

John Huntsman: Oh, I’d do a little of this, and a little of that. I would take good ideas from both sides and come up with a moderate, middle of the road plan. Then I would check my hair in the mirror to make sure I still look better than Mitt, and then move on to the next challenge.

Rick Perry: I would pray. And then I would pray some more. Then I’d point out that I have much better hair than either John Huntsman OR Mitt Romney. After praying some more I would get out my old .45’s and start shooting the dirt all around the economy’s feet and yell “DANCE ECONOMY! DANCE!  Then, I would secede. 

Okay, so there you have it folks. The first round of the I’m With Stupid GOP Debate is now complete. We’ll be back soon with round two’s big question. 


Mike said...

"and then covert it" .. to Mormanism!!!!

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

Nicely done, I laughed. I would have to say that as much as I FUCKING LOATHE Michelle Bachmann if she stared at me long enough I would be forced to elect her president just so she would stop.

IWS Radio said...

Everyone sounds so damn smart. I need to find a candidate that doesn't sound so damn professorial. Cheers!!


IWS Radio said...

Mike: Mitt is all about converting people.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael: M-Bach could pretty much convince me to do anything just by staring at me too. She's scary. And welcome!!

Matt: They sound smart because they are. These people are the best and the brightest!