Friday, August 19, 2011

A Bug's Life

Hi there. Scutigera Coleoptrata here. Hey!!?

Don’t run away like I do when you walk into your kitchen or turn on your bathroom light. I’m a good guy…really.

And frankly…that’s why I’m here on I’m With Stupid.

Many of you, like the Matt-Man does, get all freaked out when you see me and my multi-legged body scurry across your bathroom floor.

Relax it’s all good. I’m just a bug with the same day to day needs, desires, and feelings like you. I just want to be friends. In fact, you can call me Scutty.

Some call me a house millipede, whatever. Just don’t call me, Millie, because that would be gay and seriously, I already have enough negative stigma to carry around on my thirty legs.

I guess me appearance strikes fear into many of you because you’re not used to seeing me in your perfect and pristine world…get over it.

Do you know what my every day view of the world is from down where I am? It ain’t pretty, ‘cause well…I hang out in Matt-Man’s bathroom a lot.

I get to look at the base of his piss stained toilet for much of the day. Boy, that’s a real treat. And it gets better.

Some nights I’ll be lying on the bathroom floor eating a tiny spider as my other legs are choking to death a tiny bug and then in a drunken stupor at 2 AM, Matt-Man stumbles in, takes a piss, misses the toilet, and gives me an unwanted golden shower.

Not the most pleasant accompaniment to a fine dining experience my friends. Oh and the smells I experience. Oh Dear God, the smells.

You may think as a bug, I enjoy living in stench. I am there every Saturday morning after Matt-Man has taken a dump full of the Friday night’s menu of beer, Wild Irish Rose, and Meat Lover’s pizza.

You think my appearance makes your skin crawl!? Jesus Christ, after Matt-Man shits, I have to chew my legs off and grow new ones to remove the stench. It’s awful!!

When I’m around, I eat annoying spider and bugs helping to keep your place clean, and what do I get for my efforts? Heartache.

So c’mon…next time you see me, don’t turn to goo and screech like a little schoolgirl like Matt-Man does, just wave, wink, and say, “Hiya Scutty.”

I won’t respond verbally because, well…I’m a bug, but I’ll smile and raise a leg or twenty right back atcha.

We’re all in this together so appreciate me for who I am, what I have to endure, and put aside your scorn and disgust for the Scutigera Coleoptrata.

Your Friend,



Beth said...

Ha! I've got his cousins here at work. I should start naming them;) Oh that reminds me, clean the bathroom!

Jay said...

You know, it's much harder to kill something you've named. That's why, as lonely as I am, I haven't resorted to naming the bugs crawling around in my bathroom.

Also, I bet Scutty watches you shower in the morning. The little perv.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: The ones you share an office with are HUGE!! The bathroom? Don't think I'll have time dammit.

Jay: I hear ya, and Scutty? Yeah, I bet behind that friendly get along go along facade lies a real perv. Maybe his name would more accurately be "Slutty".



A Beer for the Shower said...

I have a prop Shawn of the Dead cricket bat that is now solely used for smashing the living shit out of these nasty little buggers.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beer: This is a time to heal, not to wield. Accept Scutty. Love the Scutty.



David said...

Sounds a little gay to me is you are showering and pissing with another male...just sayin'

I'm With Stupid said...

David: You never played sports or went to a bar evidently.



MysteryChick said...

I'm not sure why I opted to read this while I ate my dinner tonight. I really should know better. Luckily I'm already knee deep in adult beverages so the picture and the visuals will soon be a foggy memory. Love ya!!!

Mike said...

Scutty, quit eating the books and magazines. OK?

I'm With Stupid said...

Chick: All I read from your comment was "Love Ya." Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Mike: He is a voracious book work. Ha. Cheers Mike!!