Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Solving the Debt Ceiling Crisis ...

As we all know America is broke. And we are embroiled in a huge drama over the debt ceiling and how to deal with our budget deficit and eventually pay down the debt. And as usual, our myopic leaders are focusing only on taxing and spending. I say it's time to show a little creativity when it comes to this topic. So, I've come up with twenty easy ways to deal with the deficit/debt...

Sell naming rights to federal sites: “The CitiBank U.S. Capitol” or “The AT&T White House” or “The Google Supreme Court” or “The Wells Fargo Grand Canyon.” Shit like that.

Make people pay a “Cover Charge” to get into the country. Just like at a cool bar or club.

Congressional Bake Sale.

Set up stages with Go-Go dancers at each Gov't building and apply 50% of all tips to the deficit. PLUS? Lap Dances from members of congress, supreme court justices (SHAKE IT RUTH BADER GINSBERG!), cabinet members and congressional and white house staffers.

Dumbing Down Tax: Levy a substantial tax against the people who are contributing to the complete destruction of our society and culture by watching idiotic reality TV programs.

Elected officials can go on QVC and sell memorabilia.

Put a big jar on the counter of every convenience store in America with a picture of a sad, lonely and hungry child and a note saying “Help America through this difficult time by donating your change to help bring down the deficit.”

50% tax on abortions. Since there are apparently like 8 BILLION abortions performed in America every year, a big ass tax on those things would bring in some serious money.

Bono could host a benefit concert to raise money for the deficit.

Jerry Lewis could host a telethon over Fourth of July weekend to raise money. He could get his friends that everyone loves to see perform like Mac Davis, Andy Williams, Rich Little and Paul Anka to help out.

The govt could clean out the closets at the Smithsonian and hold a big yard sale.

Sell off some old cars and furniture the govt owns and take the proceeds from those sales to Vegas, put it all on Red at the roulette table and let it ride baby.

Create a whole new level of bankruptcy, Chapter 69, and declare bankruptcy under our new, very favorable rules.

Pay off the deficit with Monopoly Money.

Tell the Chinese “Okay, one game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' for all the debt we owe you?

Tell the Chinese we had our fingers crossed when we agreed to pay off all the bonds they bought.

Drop a nuclear bomb on every country in the Middle East and produce a will made by the same people who created Obama's fake birth certificate saying that they all left all their oil to the US.

Have all govt officials wear fire retardant race suits with ads all over them when they go on TV. And replace all military uniforms with those same race suits.

Sell off some southern states to Middle Eastern countries so they can finally enjoy that “everyone has to live under strict laws based on religion” thing they keep demanding.

Just stop paying on the debt and refuse to answer the phone when a number we don't recognize comes up on the Caller ID.

So there you have it folks. Twenty obvious and easy ways to solve this whole “Debt Crisis” bullshit.



Mike said...

Legalize prostitution and tax the fuck out of it. Anybody that has sex out of wedlock has to pay the tax.

Michele said...

I think all of these are viable alternatives, well, except the Smithsonian thing but I have to say that to keep my job.
How about:
Sell off all those tweets that the Library of Congress is collecting. I bet there is some gold in that archive.

IWS Radio said...

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is such a smokin' hot JILF!! And I think the dude in the lap dance pic has a bulge in his yarmulke. Cheers!!


Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

Mike: We could do that, but let's not price the middle class out of having a good time. I mean, that's why prostitution is illegal right now. To keep the prices up and make sure only the rich can get the hot ones. ;-)

Michelle: I'm sure some of the crappier comedians would love to buy a bunch of tweets and then use some of the jokes.

Matt-Man: Ruthie is the hottest babe in our entire govt. Other than Barbara Mikulski, of course.


Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Time for you to run for President and make this all happen

Jay said...

Vinny, if I tried to run for any office that weekend I spent in Vegas with Cindy Crawford, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Bea Arthur and 75 midgets would ruin me before I even got started.