Friday, July 29, 2011

Rodney Dangerfield Live from Heaven !!



Hey how you doin’? Rodney Dangerfield here.

I know… I know…It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve been gone, and my family is just now reporting me missing!!

I tell ya, no respect.

But I can tell you, that when I died in October of 2004, the good Lord brought me directly to Heaven.

Yeah, good Lord my ass…Five minutes after getting into Heaven, I met Jesus, and he made me wash HIS feet.

I tell ya, no respect.

On top of that, most people who come to Heaven come through the Pearly Gates…me?

The Godly Gargoyles unhooked the lock on the fence and said,

“Don’t let the chain link hit you on the ass.”

And then St. Peter said…

“You shouldn’t even be up here, but it was the only way we could get Sam Kinison to stop his fucking screaming.”

However…

Life is good up here for a Christ-Killing Jew like me. The first dead person I met was Joan of Arc, and I had to tell her…

“I bet you were smokin’ hot in your day.”

And then I saw Charlton Heston and screamed,

“Hey Chuck, Remember Me?”

I remember seeing JFK and Jayne Mansfield strolling hand in hand along the streets of gold and I had to ask…

“Hey Jack, who gave you a better head job…Jayne or Lee Harvey Oswald?”

I think some people find me a bit distasteful…God included. 

For example, when I arrived here in the Land of Milk and Honey…all I got was skim milk, and Nutella. I tell ya…

But…Compared to my days of disrespectation on Earth, life is not bad up here.

The hookers here in Heaven pay me to have sex with them. Sure, they still cry afterwards, but yours truly has a few dollars in hand with which to commiserate.

When I arrived, the Heaven Doctor didn’t slap my mother…He smiled and slapped my father.

When I strip in front of the window of my heavenly bungalow, I am not booed by a peeping Tom, I am booed by a Doubting Thomas.

And hear this…There is excitement a plenty here in Heaven.

Last week, Evel Knievel jumped not one, not two, not three…but ALL twelve Apostles.

It was exciting, but when I went to the post-show buffet, I was handed a carp and gar knish to eat, and told to clean the place up.

Because evidently, Richard Nixon who was here on a weekend pass from Hell, had thrown up all over Golda Meir.

I guess in Heaven…seniority matters.

This is Rodney Dangerfield live from Heaven saying…

Even in the eyes of the Almighty, respect is an elusive thing.

Ho-ah…You should have seen the woman that just walked by…I bet she was something before electricity,

Rodney Dangerfield

5 comments:

Jay said...

Poor Rodney. All those years of no respect here on Earth and it just continues in Heaven. His experience up there is almost as disappointing as when he met the Surgeon General and the guy offered Rodney a cigarette!

IWS Radio said...

I know Jayman...It's almost as disappointing when during the Civil War, his great-great-great Uncle fought for the West.

Matt-Man

Sarge Charlie said...

As much as I think you are an itransigent, ideological moron politically...I still appreciate your kind comment.

IWS Radio said...

I am working on it, and hope to someday be as clear thinking and open-minded as you, Uncle Charlie. Tell Chip and Ernie I said, Hi.

Matt-Man

Desert Rat said...

Finally catching up...

ummmm... "intransigent" (check the spelling there...) Can't help but think, "isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" Not to be unkind, you understand, just observant.