Thursday, June 23, 2011

NBA Needs Creative Trades ....

Hola Bitches!

It's NBA draft time again kids which means we will be watching one of my favorite situations that happens every single year. We will get to watch NBA commissioner David Stern pretend that he can't pronounce the names of the European players who get drafted. Every year it's the same thing. Stern stands up there as if he's Senator Pat Geary trying to pronounce “VEYTOH C-C-Cor – Cor-LE-ON.” Good times. Good times.

Anyway, every year in the days leading up to the draft there are all kinds of trade rumors that get tossed out there. Some even sound feasible and intriguing. But, most of them are just talk because NBA executives know that one bad trade could saddle their team with a massive contract that will keep them from being competitive for years.

But, as I look at all the proposed trades (PT), I think that they just aren't being creative enough. Instead of just trading players, each team should throw in some additional goodies (AG) to spice these trades up...

PT: Miami sends LeBron James to Orlando for Dwight Howard
AG: Orlando gets two cases of Pat Riley's hair product and Miami gets two of Stan Van Gundy's old polyester leisure suits from the 70's that he still hangs onto hoping they'll come back in style.

PT: San Antonio sends DeJuan Blair to Cleveland for Anderson Varejao
AG: Spurs get the rights to sign LeBron James in 2026 and the Cavs get my old George “Iceman” Gervin t-shirt that I wore three times a week while in fourth grade.


PT: Spurs send Tony Parker to Cleveland for Varejao
AG: Spurs send a variety pack of goodies from Mi Tierra Bakery and a promise that Parker won't try to sleep with any of the player's wives. Cleveland sends a big case of Skyline Chili to the Spurs.

PT: Lakers send Lamar Odom to Golden State for Monta Ellis
AG: Lakers get a free one day pass to the O'Farrell Theater for each player. The Warriors each get a free copy of Kloe Kardashian's unreleased sex tape. (Trust me. These are of equal value.)

PT: Washington sends Javale McGee to Minnesota for it's #2 pick
AG: Washington also sends Hillary Clinton, Barbara Mikulski and John Ensign's mistress to Minnesota for Michele Bachmann and one of Hubert Humphrey's granddaughters to be named later.

PT: Milwaukee sends Andrew Bogut to Sacramento for Tyreke Evans
AG: Milwaukee sends a few cases of Milwaukee's Best Light and gets a case of Two Buck Chuck wine. (Hey give me a break people. These two towns don't have much to offer.)

PT: The Knicks send Chauncey Billups (and others) to Memphis for Rudy Gay
AG: NY/NJ Mafia agree to call off any hit they might have put out on Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay gets to play in a town where fans sitting court side won't constantly ask him “Is Rudy … Gay?”

PT: Utah sends the #3 pick and another player to Philly for Andre Iguodala who they then flip to Sacramento for a later pick so they can take <S>some white guy</S> Jimmer Ferdette.
AG: No Mormons knocking on any doors in Sacramento or Philly for 12 months. And no Mormon get shot on a front porch in Philly for 12 months. And everyone on both the Jazz and Kings get two free tickets to see “The Book of Mormon” on Broadway when in NY courtesy of the 76ers.

Portland, Toronto, Denver and Atlanta all have nothing of interest to offer anyone other than some very average players.

So, that's it folks. Some trades that would be made much better if the team executives would get a little more creative.



Desert Rat said...

What about Phoenix? I'm sure the Suns could come up with something and then throw in a lifetime supply of Tostitos Corn Chips and an old pair of Charles Barkley's gym shoes.

Mike said...

I'm glad you follows the NBA. Those guys need support from SOMEbody.

IWS Radio said...

Mmmmmmmmmm...Milwaukee's Best Light. Cheers!!


IWS Radio said...

Rat: I was going to work something up w/ Phoenix sending some undocumented Mexicans to Atlanta in exchange for some gang members. But, Ike don't want to offend anyone, ya know. ;-)

Mike: St. Louis needs an NBA team.

Matt: That's some quality beer right there!

- Jay