Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page

Yom Kippur Apologies List

Hola sinners, offenders and atoners! Since today is Yom Kippur I thought I should probably use this blog to issue some very much deserved apologies to some people even though I’m neither Jewish nor in a 12 Step Program.

- Okay, I apologize to everyone in recovery for that 12-step program crack.

- I apologize to the woman on Twitter who I called “cunt breath” not too long ago. I don’t remember your name, but I probably shouldn’t have called you that. Hell, I don’t even know what “cunt breath” means.

- I apologize to my loud-ass hillbilly neighbors for making fun of how loud you guys are. It was only recently that I learned that one of the big physical defects of inbred mountain people is severe hearing loss. I was very wrong of me to mock how loudly you guys talk now that I know this little tidbit.

- I apologize to people who live in the rural areas of the south for that “hillbilly” crack.

- I apologize to my friend, co-host and partner in crime Matt-Man for calling him “Mattcicle” so many times. Actually, I’m sorrier that the name didn’t catch on with others than anything though.

- Also, for calling Matt-Man “Mitt-Man” yesterday. Totally uncalled for.

- I apologize to lazy-ass Montero driving neighbor for giving him so much virtual shit over the internet for his inability to fix his Gawd Damn tire that was either flat or really low all the time for what seemed like months. I realize that sometimes people are so busy and have so many responsibilities that they don’t always have the extra seven minutes it would take to get a tire fixed. Not that he is, but other people are.

- I apologize to all the people on reality shows who are just trying to get through life the best they know how just like the rest of us. Except the Kardashians. Jesus I fucking hate them.

- I apologize to Mitt Romney for calling him an arrogant, elitist, mean-spirited condescending prick that lacks any convictions or moral compass whatsoever. Not that he deserves an apology, but I’m sure he feels like he’s entitled to one.

- I apologize to all the people we, okay I, have mocked or insulted either here on the I’m With Stupid podcast. Except atheist vegans who run marathons. Fuck those people.

- Speaking of the podcast, I apologize to all the people that IWS has made to feel inferior by crushing them in the ratings. It wasn’t really intentional and we are as befuddled by our success as you are.

- Finally I would like to apologize to some of the women who I have met through various social media sites and who listen to our show and read this blog and I read their blogs and all that stuff. Not so much for being a little creepy and making you feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. I can’t really help that. But, I really feel like I should apologize for the really nasty, disgusting things I’ve done to so many of you in my dreams. Not that I have much control over that either, but I feel guilty about it. Most of the time.

Okay, there we go! That wasn’t so bad. I feel a lot better about things now and I hope that you guys do too. If you have any sins to atone for apologies you feel you need to make you can do so in our comments section. Please be as specific in your description of your sins.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

HBO Go Dominates My Life

Hola People of the Internet! I’ll make this quick cause I’ve got important stuff to do. No, not anything productive or anything like that. I’ve got to watch shit on HBO GO. That’s it. Just watch movies, original programing or comedy shows or whatever.

Wonder what I’ve done this weekend? I’ve sat around and watched The Wire. That’s freaking it. Oh and I took some time to do some show prep and then we had another awesome episode of I’m With Stupid on Saturday. And then right after that I watched Arkansas deliver a beat down to Auburn. But, after that? Just sitting here watching The Wire.

Seriously people. All Sunday I just sat here, drank Pepsi, ate Always Save Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips and watched The Wire. I didn’t even bother with any NFL action. Hell, last I checked my fantasy team was losing 46-36 to Sunshine State Shirley’s team. How did it turn out? Fuck if I know.

Are they still Occupying Wall Street? Still got wars going in Iraq and Afghanistan? Bunch of guys and one gal still running for the GOP nomination? I wouldn’t know. I don’t have time for that unimportant shit anymore.

I want to watch an action movie? I’ll just go to HBO Go and watch The A-Team. Or maybe the whole damn Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy. Can’t beat that!

Looking for something a little more gory? Machete baby!

Maybe I wanna watch bubbly and sweet Katie Morgan run around nekkid. She’s available 24/7.

Mobsters? Every single episode of The Sopranos is on there.

Maybe I want to laugh. How ‘bout Lewis Black? Bill Maher? Dave Attel?

It goes on and on and on people. The internet is already like crack and now HBO GO is like super-duper mojo-dula crack. I start doing something else and it only takes a couple of minutes until I’m thinking that I need to check in on McNulty and everyone. Or maybe watch some comedy shows. Or nekkid chicks. I just can’t freaking take it.

And when the streaming messes up and the video isn’t perfect High Definition? Oh man! It’s a shit-storm of #FirstWorldProblems. When that happens, I’m sitting here yelling at the computer. “GAWDDAMMIT! This is bullshit! I’m being deprived of my Sunday afternoon entertainment! Fix this shit!”

Then, at approximately 7:24 pm CDT on Sunday night disaster struck.  HBO GO’s website went down. What the hell am I supposed to do now? This is a disaster. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m shaking and can’t stop crying.

Okay, it’s back. Whew! That was a terrifying seven minutes. But now the “Press Escape to Exit Full Screen Mode” thing won’t go away. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! You’re killing me guys. You know what? That’s it. I’m not gonna put up with this. I’m heading to the Google Machine to find a number for HBO and then it’ll be time to chew some ass.

*UPDATE* Turns out it was all Cox Cable’s fault. Well, so much for that. It doesn’t do any good to talk to them. They don’t care. *sigh*

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In other news, Saturday’s “Jews, Booze and a Caribbean Cruise” episode of I’m With Stupid was just what you’ve come to expect from us. It was irreverent, unpredictable, fast moving and down right, uh, different. You just don’t get this kind of fun jocularity anywhere else people.

We talked Yom Kippur. And don’t think we’re not experts on that, cause we are. We hit all the highlights of the Highest of all High Holy Days. Then, we dished out some amazing, little known trivia about Columbus and how he discovered Rihanna.  In between we shared some fascinating stories about Turkey Trot Festivals and celebrating Yom Kippur with Mel Gibson. Finally, Mrs. Mike called and we just hung out with her and chilled.

All of together? Radio gold my friends, radio gold. So, check it out and tell all your friends and enemies all about the show. Hell, you can even Stumble, Digg, Reddit, Facebook or Tweet the show. Among other things.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio