It's Canada Day!! So What...Eh?*

It’s the first day of July Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its “independence” from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

Today marks the day in 1867 that Canada was formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982!!

Ha!! Angola told Portugal to shove it some seven years earlier. Angola, folks!!

Hell even today, in spite of Canada's “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of back bacon pussies.*

Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, Howie Mandel, and Justin Bieber. And of course…The Queen.

Screw the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See?

They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Zoroastrians are in Afghanistan and Iran.

Oh sure…they’re there, but, pffffft, fuck ‘em.

Anyhoo…Let’s say fuck you to the Canadians and especially the Canadiens.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue pissing Canadians like we did the Germans, the Japs, and the Vietnamese…er…well, whatever.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles is fucking gay.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year…

If America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that. But…

It’s Canada Day, so I celebrate them…

But seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

It‘s not like they’re really independent…or relevant.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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*None of the above remarks apply to IWS Radio’s favorite Canadian and Canadian Bureau Chief, the uber-lovely and talented, Jamie Mapleleaf, nor to William Shatner, nor Rob Ford.

Jamie, Bill, and Rob are the only three people who give Canada a sexy splash of excitement and personality.

Happy Birthday February 7th!!

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches and a very happy February 7th to you all.  February 7th may be the most spectacular
date contained within the Gregorian calendar.

Do you know why February 7th has been such an important date both throughout history and remains so today?

Because…

February 7th is the date on which many of the most talented people who have ever lived, and who live today, were born.

What?  Don’t believe me?  Listen up…er…read up, because folks born on February 7th form a star-studded line-up of pure talent the world has yet to see burgeon forth from any other day of the year.

It’s true.  In fact if we were to have on huge birthday party for significant people born on February 7th, this is who we would invite.

First up and foremost, Charles Dickens…

What’s not to like about the author of Tale of Two Cities, David Copperfield, and A Christmas Carol among others, and who, although dead at the age of 58, still managed to find sperm enough to create 10 babies!!? He was a rock star!!

Secondly…We can invite one James Spader.  I dig ol’ Emmy Award winning actor James Spader, not as much as his former Boston Legal co-star Bill Shatner, but Jim-Spade is a righteous dude.

Of course we need the talented gay community represented, so let’s raise a birthday glass of cheer to Robert Smigel, aka the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, a man who also created SNL’s, The Ambiguously Gay Duo cartoons…That’s funny shit right there.  Here’s a birthday rainbow for you Bobby-Smi, and yes I know you are only gay when being a Super Hero!!

You know what we are missing from this Born on the 7th of February Party?  A hot chick.  So…

It is now, that I invoke the name of one of the hottest chicks to ever grace the landscape of cheese and whey, Wisconsin’s own, Laura Ingalls Wilder…Oh sure she wore long skirts and wrote about family time on the prairie, but beneath that corn-fed façade, she was one hot butter-churner, if ya know what I mean.

And you know, our party needs some color of sorts, and that’s why we need to invite this man to our Birthdays on February 7th Party…

There are a lot of funny people in this world but nobody, and I mean nobody is funnier than this this man who was born February 7, 1965...

Damn right, Chris Rock is a freak of funny nature and he would sit at the, Born on the 7th of February Party at the right hand of the host.

And, who would host such an extravaganza full of talent, wit, and merriment?

Yours truly, because like all of these other awesome people, I was also  born on February 7th.  And in fact, February 7, 1965, which means…

I am as funny as Chris Rock, which of course, you already knew, so…

Don’t fawn all over my greatness, simply wish me...The Matt-Man, and Chris Rock a very Happy Birthday.

Thanks and Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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