I Don't Know You Well, But I'd Love To Slice your Meat

Salami Whore

When in the course of human events, some people get laid-off from their jobs.

Some people, in turn, take the unemployment time to reflect, better themselves, and find a job that fits them…until…the unemployment money runs out, and then, brutal reality sets in.

My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is one of them.

Here’s the thing about finding a job…

When push came to shove; when the monetary nose was to the grindstone; and when her sexy chips were down?

She, my friend Schmoop, found one.  Funny how that happens.

Seriously though?  She found work at a deli, and let me tell you, she will slice your meat, all the while with a smile upon her face, and food-safe gloves upon her hands.

When one such as Schmoop finds a deli job, one goes out of her way to maintain her pastrami cutting way of life.

However…

Let me caution you now…If you ask for three quarters of a pound of something, you may be rebuked by hearing my friend say…

“Could we make it a half-pound or a FULL pound, ya big pansy?  A three quarter pound thing is soooooo bisexual.”

She will take no prisoners and she will have none of your deli shenanigans when you say, “Could you put a quarter ounce of macaroni salad atop my pound of potato salad?”

The answer will always be…

“How about you take a number, and YOUR number is INFINITY!!”

Deli Queen

I am kidding of course, because…My friend Schmoop?

She loves people and I am excited that she is so damn happy to have a job.  I didn’t care if she ever worked again, because…

I would have left her for a woman who did.  I’m shallow like that, but anyhoo…

I am happy.  Schmoop is happy, and IWS Radio is very happy, because deli meat stories from Schmoop are gonna be comedy GOLD!!

And as Jay pointed out to me…

Just think of the buffet tray after the show…Unlimited olive loaf and macaroni salad; hell yeah...here I come!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Matt at Twitter
Matt at Facebook

One Has To Love Oneself In Order To Love Others

Last night Jayman and I were talking on Twitter about trying to make the IWS website a more profound and respectable place.

After our conversation, as it was my turn to write, and with no topic on hand, I said to myself…

“Dumbass, let’s just change course and make that dream happen.”

Jay and I often take the time, and more specifically your time, to publicly whine, bitch, and “let it all go” in a negative way, so I thought that today?

I’d write about what makes me happy. Join me, won’t you?  I hope you do…

I love the smell of bacon frying.  I especially love the smell of bacon frying when it’s my BFF/OSP Schmoop, doing the frying of said bacon.

When Schmoop is frying bacon, and I am at my computer, I can hear her from the kitchen, in a joyful, and carefree, lilting tone, half-singing and half-humming an incoherent nonsense song…it’s relaxing.

In fact it would even be hotter and more joyful, if she were frying it naked, but my joy would quickly turn to sorrow, as I heard her lilting tones turn to screams of pain and anguish as the bacon grease little by little, scarred her exposed body.

I really enjoy taking a shower.  In the shower, I am alone, and can sing at the top of my lungs and there is not a critic in the house.  And it’s nice as well, that I can re-live the magic of having had sex with a different former girlfriend with each new shower.  And?  Even ponder some future trysts.

You know what else I like?

Talking to God about giving me the strength to tell my BFF/OSP this publicly, and for even joking about thinking of other women while I was in the shower.  It brings the Almighty and I closer together…on a daily basis no less.  I like that, and Praise Jeebus!!

I love how people shower my partner in crime, Jayman, with cascades of praise as to how sweet he is.  I too love him for that, and in a couple of years, I will love Jayman and the money I make off of him even more, when I release my book…

“Jayman Unleashed:  The Direct Messages To, and Private Phone Calls He Had, with Matt-Man”

Even though over the next week I will be working 62 hours at the Beer Mine, I am happy to see the owner get away for a desperately needed vacation, however what I am really happen to see happen, is the, Buy One, Get One Free Sale that I’ll be running while he’s gone for a week.

Oh yeah Bitches, I’ll be moving some product out the door of the Beer Mine starting this Saturday!! And why?  Because I love.

And love is what I am all about…

Yeah bitches, the Love.

Annnnnd…If you wanna hear some love on Blog Talk Radio…You need to listen to the show that Jayman and I did with Nicole Russin yesterday on the IWS Radio Show.

We talked vegans; we talked sausages (realistic and otherwise); we talked Wal*Mart; we talked cupcakes, bigots, and SPAM.  Oh My!!

We covered it all, and you can catch it all right here in archives:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattmaniws