For Some Women, The Time For Good Sex Is Ticking Away

As Jayman and I are doing a show full of debauchery this coming Sunday, I thought I would get you all in the mood today with a bit of insect sex I experienced some years ago, but....I start out talking about those nasty ass "fish"...carp.

They wallow around in the shallows, the males trying to lure in a hot female with his crank bait, tossing out some cheesy line in carp-speak. It is a lovely ritual that hearkens in Spring. It also reminds me of something that happened to me many, many moons ago.

I guess I was about 17 years old and one late June afternoon my girlfriend at the time and I made our way to a secluded cove at the local State Park to fish. Well, actually… 

I was fishing and she sat on a blanket and read, but you get the picture. I was catching a few here and there and having a good time. I turned to Sherri at one point to show her a pretty good sized bass that I had caught and lo and behold there she sat.

She sat there staring at me, smiling. Her legs spread provocatively and her shirt unbuttoned revealing her lacy red bra and glistening cleavage. Boo Yah…

I could hear the wocka wocka guitar music from every low budget porn movie I had seen blaring in my head. I could feel a pup tent erecting itself in my shorts. I put down my rod, (no, not that one silly, my fishing rod) and lay down next to her.

My lips pressed against hers. My hands began caressing her perky nubile breasts. My tongue licking the salty sweat from her---Well you get the picture.

We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys in a mangrove swamp. Our warm bodies rolling around on white sand and our secret protected by the seclusion and the dense canopy of the cove. 

It was glorious, and an example of young love at its most passionate. As we neared the state of climactic euphoria, we simultaneously moaned and screamed, for it was at that moment that we discovered that we were both covered in......ticks.

That’s right, blood sucking, disease laden ticks.

We were mortified to say the least. My anxious dork went from being a tribute to teenage virility to being a shrunken cowering nob of innocuousness.

We picked ticks from each others most intimate parts like baboons giving each other a rinse and set. It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.

For two weeks after the fiasco, we still felt ticks crawling on us although it was just our minds trying to process the events. I have recovered for the most part, but to this day, whenever someone mentions Lyme disease or spotted fever, I cross my legs and let out a little whimper. I tell you this now in order to prevent it from happening to you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Analysis: Summer Sucks

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, we might have had a mild spring down here, but it looks like summer is going to be a scorcher! Temperatures here in the Greater Redneckville Metropolitan Area have already skyrocketed into the mid-nineties and humidity seems to have set in for the next few months at least. Of course, for many people this is good news. People love to get out and be active in the summertime and let me tell ya, there are lots of great places for that around here.

Some people like to go up to Bull Shoals Lake and go fishing, boating and swimming. I’m good with the

fishing and boating thing, but I don’t know about swimming. I mean, have you gotten a whiff of the lake water lately? It’s pretty stank. Besides, fish poop in there and I’m not a fan of swimming in fish poop. Also, please practice catch and release because there’s no way I’m eating anything that comes out of that cesspool. My fish comes frozen and breaded from the store thank you very much.

A lot of people also like to go down to the Buffalo River and go canoeing, tubing and swimming down there. The problem with that is that the further you canoe or tube down the river, the further you have to have to haul that shit back to your car. Oh sure, you can hire folks to do that for you, but that’s expensive. I think spending that money on a beachfront condo in Ft. Walton Beach sounds like a much better idea.

As for swimming in the Buffalo? No thanks. Again, fish poop all over the place. Plus, people always want to jump off cliffs or swing off the cliff on a rope and then into the water. Sounds like a great way to bang your head off some rock and get knocked to stupid, so I’ll pass. It also just looks snakey to me down there.

There are also many great hiking trails all around the Ozarks. Boy what fun that is, huh? Getting out there during the heat of the day walking along some trail deep into the woods in the American South? What could possibly go wrong? 

Oh gee, I don’t know! Maybe you could get mauled by a black bear? Or bitten by one the handful of poisonous snakes in this area? Or maybe a big old Elk will take a dislike to you and trample you without warning? Those things have been known to be pretty unpredictable, ya know! Or maybe you’ll just get lost and wander onto someone’s property and get blown up by a booby trap they have set up around their marijuana fields?  Sounds like so much fun huh? Yeah, no.

Another option would be to just to the pool here at my apartment complex. This isn’t too bad of an idea. I enjoy lounging around the pool and swimming. It’s good to get out there and just lay back and catch some rays to get that “healthy glow.” A bonus is all the Cougars and MILF’s running around in bikinis. That definitely makes things more enjoyable. Of course you can’t spell MILF without the “M” and that means kids. Obnoxious, screaming, crying, pissing in the pool kids! *sigh* So much for hanging out at the pool.

The only thing left is cooking out. This is something I can totally support. Cooking hot dogs, brats, burgers, chicken, pork chops, potatoes, veggies and all kinds of other stuff on the grill is one of the great summer traditions that we can all enjoy. What’s really great about grilling is that you can drink beer while doing it and when the food is done you put it on a platter and go back inside where the air conditioning is blasting away and there is comfortable seating. 

Now THAT’S how you enjoy summer folks!

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Wandering Down Memory Lane

Hola y’all! A week ago Matt-Man took a little stroll downmemory lane and talked about some of the things he misses. Not family and friends who have passed away or drifted apart from, those are obvious, but some people places and things from his far and recent past that he misses for different reasons. So, I thought I would do the same this week.

Fishing on the White River and Playing Golf: Fishing for trout on the White River and playing golf are pretty much the only things I ever did with my dad when it was just the two of us. We weren’t close and didn’t talk to each other about our lives or anything like that. Mostly we talked politics and sports when we were together. I’ll never play golf again mostly because of my back and I sold all of my fishing gear after dad died 16 years ago. Maybe someday I’ll buy some more gear and go out there to the Fisherman’s Friend (assuming it’s still there) and fish from their banks again.

The Rocket Restaurant: The Rocket was your typical greasy spoon. They served cheeseburgers, grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken sandwiches and fries and onion rings and whatever else could be deep friend. But, their food wasn’t all that memorable. What I miss is their chocolate milkshakes. They were amazing! They used real, premium chocolate ice cream that didn’t taste like the usual chocolate ice cream you could get at the store pour in some Hershey’s Syrup. Then they would mix it for the perfect length of time to make it thick yet creamy and it was pure Heaven!

The Old HGTV shows. I’ve said many times that I never and have possibly never will own a home, but I love home improvement and gardening/landscaping shows. HGTV had cool shows like “Help Around the House,” “Weekend Warriors,” “Gardening by the Yard” and “Designer’s Challenge” where they ALWAYS brought the inside out, and the outside in. They weren’t just real estate investment or house flipping shows, they actually taught us how to do things. Things like fixing door jams, replacing windows, patching hardwood floors and other small jobs that can be so annoying to do. Gardening by the Yard’s host was this goofy guy who lived over in Tulsa then moved to Nashville. He gave so much great advice on keeping your garden, shrubs, flowers and lawn in tip-top shape. Now all they do is build “water features.”

The old Bloggerhood. Back in the day I just couldn’t wait to get on the computer and wander the Bloggerhood to see what people were up to. So many creative and funny people were blogging and we really did seem to build a community. We laughed and each other’s jokes and hilarious adventures. We got angry when someone was wronged in some way. And we cried when people lost family members or struggled with life. Then we all joined Facebook and that was that.

Glass Pepsi Bottles. Pepsi (or any pop/soda/soft drink) is soooooo much better in a glass bottle than it is in the can or yucky plastic bottle. It gets colder in glass bottles and I think that’s what makes the taste better. The only place I can still find it in bottles is over at the Mexican Market in Green Forrest. Sometimes it’s worth the 20 minute drive over there just to enjoy Pepsi the way God meant it to be drunk. And maybe while I’m drinking that Pepsi I’ll sit there in the car and listen to good old 70’s and 80’s heavy metal music.

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