Ranking the Best Fast Food Restaurants

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa foodies! You know, I try not to do fast food too often. It’s not healthy, overpriced and often times unsatisfying. Sometimes though it’s EXACTLY what I need. If you’re really craving something you gotta just feed that craving. So, here are the best fast food places according to Jayman …

15: Cracker Barrel: Okay, so not strictly a fast food joint, but still cheap eats and they have carry out. Plus, if you’re ever just feeling kind of down and lonely and want some comfort food, CB’s meatloaf and mashed potatoes will make you feel better. (Or chicken fried steak.)

14: Waffle House: Serious drunk food here. Steaks, burgers, hash browns, grilled cheese or just get breakfast anytime. It all sticks to your ribs. Also, hit on the waitress, you might get lucky.  

13: Papa Murphy’s Pizza: This is the best Take-and-Bake pizza I’ve had. They put plenty of ingredients on there and aren’t that expensive. They also put a decent amount of sauce on the pizza which is important.

12: Burger King: I really like their burgers. Nothing else though. Only problem is BK is expensive and it’s kind of an outrage.

11: Denny’s: Again, not really a fast food place, but my favorite breakfast by far. A Denny’s Grand Slam is a great way to start the day. Also, good late night foods if you’ve been out and are starving and have enough money to go somewhere other than Waffle House.

10: Sonic: Mostly for their shakes and slushes. Cherry is my favorite slush. They also have good popcorn chicken and great tater tots.

09: Whataburger: Seriously good burgers and fries.

08: Wienerschnitzle: Sometimes you have to just throw caution to the wind and go get a big-ass hot dog.

07: Famous Dave’s BBQ: Only BBQ I’ll get from a chain. Good burgers too.

06: Steak and Shake: Really great shakes! Steak burgers are very good too.

05: Five Guys Burgers: Just awesome. Love everything about their burgers and their fries are the very best fries of any fast food joint in the world.

04: Taco Cabana: Best burritos I’ve ever had from a fast food place or fancy Mexican or Tex-Mex restaurant. Also, really damn good margaritas. I used to go there and get two burritos and two margaritas at the drive through. I hoped they thought the other burrito and margarita were for someone else.

03: Pizza Hut: Thin crust pepperoni pizza with extra sauce is my go-to pizza. It’s consistently good and satisfying.

02: Subway: My favorite sandwich place. I usually get an Italian BMT w/ bacon. Sometimes I get a Subway Melt. Other times I get a cold cut combo. Lots of options! Whichever sandwich I choose I’ll have them toast it and then put pickles and salt and pepper on it only. When I get it home I will put mustard on it myself. They are a little heavy handed with the mustard. Also, their cookies are yummy.

01: Taco Bell: Granted, I had Taco Bell right before writing this, so I’m under the influence. But, as I said on Facebook, there is no way ….. NO WAY … that crack can be as addictive as Taco Bell. I usually play it straight and get a couple of tacos and a bean burrito. I’ve lots of other items from their menu and have almost never been disappointed. As a bonus, Taco Bell is also the very best drunk food ever created. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been drinking either. Beer, wine, liquor … it all goes great with Taco Bell!

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Taylor Swift and Birthdays Suck

Hola y’all! So Taylor Swift says that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to hell for mocking her when they hosted the Golden Globes. Amy Poehler fired back “…I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.”  I find this exchange pretty hilarious and very ironic since I’m probably going to hell for thinking that Amy Poehler and Taylor Swift would be an awesome Mother-Daughter three-way sex fantasy.

But, I’m not here to talk about the fact that Taylor Swift is a humorless cunt. Or whether or not calling Taylor Swift a “cunt” is appropriate or not. Or whether Taylor and Amy make for a great mother-daughter three-way fantasy or not. They obviously do. No, I only mentioned them for the page views. I’m here to talk about something that sucks even more than getting stuck in an elevator with a notoriously gassy Meat Loaf who just ate at Taco Bell.*

Birthdays!

Oh holy fuck another birthday is upon me. Why? Why do they keep coming around? How many have there been? 45? Once you hit 40 or so they come so fast you barely had time to get over the depression of the last one! And why does the state of Arkansas make us renew our driver’s licenses right before out birthday so we can damn near fail the vision test? So fucking cruel.

Your first birthday is probably pretty cool, even though you might not remember. Your 16^th is a big one, but I don’t really know why. Eighteen is significant because you can now buy cigarettes and porn legally, which means you’ll probably give both of them up. You keep going to clubs on weekends until you turn 21 and then you stop because it’s not that much fun if you aren’t using your fake ID.

At some point in your life you will probably get a surprise birthday part. Usually one of those “milestone” birthdays like 21^st or any of the big decade birthdays 30, 40, 50, 60 etc. Those can sometimes be fun. Lots of people like to give friends “HAHAHAHA YOU’RE OLD” birthday cards because they’re hilarious. I totally approve of that.

What you should never do is go out to a restaurant for your birthday though. Someone who claims to love you will rat you out to the waiter and you’ll have to sit there as the whole damn staff comes out and sings their own special fast-paced-hand-clapping birthday song out of tune to you while everyone else in the place gives you a “thanks for ruining OUR dinner asshole” look. And then you blow the candle out on the stale piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream instead of actual icing on top. This just doesn’t sound like fun.

The exception to that is going to Denny’s for a free Grand Slam breakfast. That’s some good shit right there. Another exception would be getting a free lap dance from the super-hot Scarlett Johansson look-alike at the strip club. The best way to celebrate though is with a small group of friends (either in real life or online), drink beer/wine/Pepsi/bourbon, eat cupcakes and then order a big-ass pizza from Pizza Hut. Simple yet fun times.

It seems like every birthday is also a good time to update my Bucket List. By “update” I mean take things off that aren’t likely to happen. Like “Find true happiness” or “Make sure I won’t die alone.” On the other hand, I can add things to my list too. Like “go skydiving” or “Run with the bulls” because what the hell, my best days are behind me anyway, right?

Really, at this point the only positive thing about having another birthday is that I’m one year closer to one of my big goals in life. Becoming a Dirty Old Man. I’m right on track for that.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

P.S. Hey y’all! Real quick like go to www.iwsradio.com. See what happened? You got sent here, didn’t you? Uh-huh. The Matt-Man bought this domain for my birthday. So, in addition to being a PREMIUM SHOW, we are also a DOT COM! Fuck yeah!

*I don’t KNOW that Meat Loaf has serious problems with flatulence, it just SEEMS as though he probably does.

But wait that’s not all! While you’re here being entertained you should totally check out our PREMIUM BLEND show we did on IWS Wednesday. We talked about going premium and found that BTR had been stockpiling all our old sound files which we had all kinds of juvenile fun with while we rambled about all kinds of important things. Give it a listen  and tell all your friends about us! 

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