2014 Summer Horoscope with Lana Jouray

Hello guys and dolls...Astrologer to the famous international internet radio stars Lana Jouray here, and Summer 2014 officially begins this Saturday so…

Let’s hop aboard my sexy and neatly trimmed astral plane and see what the stars are cooking up for you during the hotness of Summer of 2014.

Aries (March 21-April 20)

While two lesser charges against you are dropped, your plea of “not guilty by reason of having been served cold fries” falls upon deaf ears as the jury finds you guilty of gunning down a cashier, a cook, and the manager at your local McDonald’s.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You have always, and literally, lived by the rule, “a penny saved is a penny earned”; however, after eight years, your financial planner is finally going to kick your ass for bringing him so many God Damned Pennies!!

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You always expected, anticipated, and ultimately knew that some day you would rise to the top, but you never foresaw that it would be the result of falling into a giant vat of flour and yeast while touring a state-of-the-art bakery in Helsinki.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

The euphoria you feel in late May after being elected President of Belize is quickly replaced by the fear and gunshot wounds you experience during the military coup that transpires in August.

Leo (July 24-August 23)

After years of sobriety you fall off the wagon.  The most unfortunate thing about this, is that you will fall off the wagon while drunkenly parking it atop the Empire State Building.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Remaining true to your astrological sign of the virgin, you will not get laid at any point during the entire year.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your career in journalism comes to an abrupt end when you realize that after ten years of tossing newspapers from your bike to the doors of thousands of avid readers, your rotator cuff is just…plain…shot.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are very proud and bold people, that is why you will continue to walk down Main Street everyday naked.  Of course…being the Chief of Police of Nudetown, makes it okay.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)

You will find that developing a self-induced, life-threatening disease is a good way to get people to pay attention to you to the otherwise fun-filled days of summer, but only for this summer…and this summer only.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20)

You are forever shamed when your Home Owners Association strips you of the, “Home of the Year” award after discovering that you used performance enhancing rugs.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

You’ll soon discover that “livin’ in a van down by the river” isn’t all that bad…provided it’s summertime and the catfish are biting.

Pisces (February 20- March 20)

You will feel vindicated when Rep. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus, finally comes out of the closet and confirms his gayness of which you suspected. Unfortunately, you will also be very disturbed when you see that it is your closet out of which he comes.

Happy Summer of 2014 Everyone!!

May the stars shine down upon you,

Lana Jouray

2012 Summer of Love Horoscope

Happy Summer's Eve all you tan Cupids and sun-splashed Aphrodites out there!!

This is IWS Astrologer and Prophetess, Lana Jouráy here with your 2012 Summer of Love Horoscope.

I have read all the tea leaves, eyed every star, and studied all the chicken entrails in my backyard in order to give you a look into what will happen to you in regards to this upcoming sun and funtastic Summer 2012.

Let’s get to it; shall we, my at long last love and hopeful ones?

We shall...

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As a purist when it comes to cooking out, you have always had “a thing” against gas grills, and during the Fourth of July cookout at your neighbor's house, you will discover that gas grills have always had “a thing” against you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Albeit briefly, you finally fulfill your dream of seeing the Grand Canyon up close and personal when your flight from Phoenix to Honolulu develops engine problems shortly after take off, and your plane crashes right, smack dab in the middle of Mother Nature's glory hole.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Trans-Canada train trip is just what the Doctor ordered, unfortunately for you, the good Doctor should have remembered to sign-off on your nitro tablet refill prior to departing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve always had a hunch that storing your homemade fireworks cache in close proximity to your meth lab was a bad idea, and on June 29th at 4:17 P.M., you’ll quickly and irrevocably find out that your hunch was correct.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Upon coming home from your Trans-Canada train trip,  your euphoric sense of rest and relaxation will be quickly erased when you are met with a lawsuit from the family of a now deceased patient for whom you forgot to sign off on a nitro prescription refill prior to departing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sex on the beach can be a highly erotic, romantic, and sexy activity, but when you do it with a Donald Duck flotation device, it’s just plain creepy, you sick fuck.

Libra  (September 23-October 22)
You find out during your trip to the Everglades that debating a family of alligators over who has the rights to a first-rate camping spot is a losing proposition.

Scorpio  (October 23-November 21)
In late August, the stars are in perfect alignment for you, as in succession, Jerry Mathers, Eve Plumb, and Dick Van Patten eulogize your life following your death resulting from you doing your impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio atop the world’s tallest Ferris wheel.

Sagittarius  (November 22-December 21)
You always tell people, “You can’t have it all.”, but sadly you will find out too late that your pet python Caligula doesn’t adhere to that school of thinking.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s a good thing that you like your summers as you say, “hotter than Hell” because by the end of July and for all eternity, that’s where you will be spending your time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be sure to remember while vacationing in Toronto Labor Day weekend, that when a girl tells you she is 14, the Centigrade to Fahrenheit conversion rate only applies to temperature not to a person’s age.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sadly…after winning First Prize in the Ft. Walton Beach Sand Castle building contest, you and your exquisitely done Jerry Sandusky sandcastle are swept away forever by a sea of angry, anti-pedophile, do-gooder types.

I hope my efforts of prognostication are helpful.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Lana Jouráy saying…

Keep looking up, because the stars wanna shine on your face.

Lana

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