Bobby Petrino: Coaching Mercenary

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! It’s yet another cold snowy, sleety, shitty night here in Rendneckville, but apparently is a warm and exciting in Louisville, Kentucky! Former UofL, and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is returning to where his legendary coaching career really took off and will once again be the head football coach of the Cardinals. Those folks at Louisville are good, decent and forgiving people. Well, either that or they’re like a battered wife who keeps taking her abusive husband back. I’m not totally sure.

Let’s take a look at Petrino’s qualifications for the job …

- While head coach of the Louisville Cardinals he racked up a 41-9 record, led them to four bowl games including a BCS bowl!

- While head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks he cleaned up the mess left by Houston Nutt and was 21-5 in his last two seasons including a win in the Cotton Bowl and an appearance in the Sugar Bowl.

- In his one season at Western Kentucky he led the Hilltoppers to a respectable 10-2 record.

Wow! That is impressive! If you also include his years as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at various big time colleges and NFL teams you can see that Louisville got themselves one hell of a coach. But, what ELSE is on his resume?

- After his second season as offensive coordinator for Jacksonville, Petrino “disappeared” a day or so after the season ended. Nobody knew where he was or what he was doing. The next day they all found out he had taken the offensive coordinator position at the University of Auburn without telling anyone.

- In 2003 when Petrino was the first year head coach at Louisville he secretly met with officials from Auburn University. They discussed their plans to oust AU head coach Tommy Tuberville and bring him in as the head coach. The meeting was found out and the coup fell apart and Petrino had to go on the apology circuit.

- In 2004 Petrino secretly met with people from Florida, Mississippi and Notre Dame about their open coaching positions. None of the jobs panned out and he assured everyone he didn’t want to be anywhere but Louisville so they have him a new five year contract. Five days later he secretly met with LSU about their coaching job which eventually went to Les Miles.

- In the summer of 2006 Petrino signed a 10 year $25 million dollar contract with Louisville. In January of ’08, just six days after the Orange Bowl, he left Louisville for the Atlanta Falcons.

- With three games left in a miserable first season in Atlanta, Petrino informed owner Arthur Blank that he was resigning and said goodbye to the other coaches. He then got on a plane and flew to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was introduced as the new head coach of the Razorbacks.

- On April 1 2012, Petrino was in a serious motorcycle accident. After insisting for several days that he was alone in the accident, he finally admitted that he had a rider on his bike. The rider was 25 year old Jessica Dorrell, who he admitted to having an “inappropriate relationship” with. A few days later we all found out that Jessica had also recently been hired into a position within the UofA’s athletic department which answered directly to Petrino. We also found out that she had no qualifications for this position and all other candidates who were passed over were all very qualified.  Oh, and Petrino had also giving Dorrell, who was engaged, a $20,000 “gift.” So, the UofA fired understandably fired him.

Woo-Weeeee! What a hell of a guy you’ve got Louisville! You must be so proud. Well, I’m sure Rick Pitino is happy now that he’s the SECOND sleaziest coach at that school. I’m sure you guys are all reassuring each other with statements like “Bobby knows he can’t screw up again” or “Bobby knows he has to straighten up and fly right” and other bullshit. Just admit that you put winning above all else and enjoy all the wins Petrino will bring you. Even though I know you will, please try not to act surprised when he fucks you guys over a second time. That’s what happens in these abusive relationships.

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