2013 Horoscopes

Hello guys and dolls.  Astrologer to the famous international internet radio stars, Lana Jouray here, with your 2013 Horoscopes.

Let’s hop aboard my astral vagina plane and see what the stars are cooking up for you in 2013…

Aries (March 21-April 20)

While two lesser charges against you are dropped, your plea of, “not guilty by reason of having been served cold fries” falls upon deaf ears as the jury finds you guilty of gunning down a cashier, a cook, and the manager at your local McDonald’s.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You have always, and literally, lived by the rule, “a penny saved is a penny earned”, however after eight years, your financial planner is finally going to kick your ass for bringing him so many God Damned pennies.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You always expected, anticipated, and ultimately knew that some day you would rise to the top, but you never foresaw that it would be the result of falling into a giant vat of flour and yeast while touring a state-of-the-art bakery in Helsinki.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

The euphoria you feel in April after being elected President of Belize is quickly replaced by the fear and gunshot wounds you experience during the military coup that transpires in May.

Leo (July 24-August 23)

After years of sobriety you fall off the wagon.  The most unfortunate thing about this, is that you will fall off the wagon while drunkenly parking it atop the Empire State Building.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Remaining true to your astrological sign of the virgin, you will not get laid at any point during the entire year.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your career in journalism comes to abrupt end when you realize that after ten years of tossing newspapers from your bike to the doors of thousands of avid readers, your rotator cuff is just…plain…shot.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are very proud and bold people, that is why you will continue to walk down Main Street everyday naked.  Of course, being the Chief of Police that you are, makes it okay.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)

You will find that developing a self-induced, life-threatening disease is a good way to get people to pay attention to your birthday during the holidays, but only for one time…and one time only.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20)

You are forever shamed when your Home Owners Association strips you of the, “Home of the Year” award after discovering that you used performance enhancing rugs.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

You’ll soon discover that “livin’ in a van down by the river” isn’t all that bad…provided it’s summertime and the catfish are biting.

Pisces (February 20- March 20)

You will feel vindicated when Rep. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus, finally comes out of the closet and confirms his gayness of which you suspected. Unfortunately, you will also be very disturbed when you see that it is your closet out of which he comes.

Happy 2013 Everyone!!

May the stars shine down upon you,

Lana Jouray



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