President Obama Comes to Springfield, Ohio

Cheers and Hail to the Chief Bitches!!  President Obama is coming to Bagwine, Ohio Friday at Noon.

And do you know why he is coming?

Because, he has openly spoken of his drug and alcohol use during his early years, and he knows that he can easily get hooked up here wit dat type uh shit here in Bagwine.  Hey-Ooooooo.

Ha-Haaaaaa…Kidding, of course.

But seriously…

If President Obama truly wants to know his audience here in Bagwine, Ohio and how he should act when he comes here Friday to address Bagwinians at Springfield High School, I have a few pointers for him.

Here in the Greater Bagwine Metroplex people don’t mind numbers, but keep it relatable.

DON’T say…

“If re-elected, I will produce 8 Million jobs over two years which will yield an economic growth of 3.2 percent per quarter and ultimately lead us to a GDP of a gazillion dollars.”

DO say…

“If re-elected, I will produce so many muthafuckin’ jobs that even if the price of a 40 of Busch remains at the outrageous price of $2.45, all y’all, or at least a family member or two, will have no trouble getting more than their share of the American Pie and can pass some of the sharing and thereby savings, not to mention the buzz, on to you!!”

DON’T say…

“While world oil markets are tenuous at best, I will try to hedge, barter, and bargain to keep the cost of gasoline below four bucks a gallon.”

DO say…

“While those Romney freaks say that I am trying to over-regulate business and commerce, nothing could be further from the truth.  Springfielders?  In my second term, I will make the siphoning of gasoline from your neighbor’s car legal, and your fuel costs will plummet overnight!!”

DON’T say…

“To the ladies in the audience…Regardless of what you think or your religious disposition, Birth Control for women is a right, and if your employer won’t offer it to you, the government will.”

DO say…

“Yo Bitches…Regardless of what you think or what the pimp whom you are working for thinks, he needs to offer you Birth Control, and if he doesn’t, the government will.”

DON’T  say…

“I will try to finally get Republicans to be serious about our out of control illegal immigration problem and develop a plan that is both compassionate and strong.”

DO say…

“Yo Paco!!  Great to see that the Dole plant here in Springfield let you off for the afternoon to come and see me.  Viva Packaged Salads!!”

And then President Obama, you could make a joke about your “Kenyan” birth, because knowing these people here in Bagwine as I do, you would get support from at least half a dozen people who would yell…

“That’s okay Mr. President, my momma told me that I was born half  Thalidomide, half Asbestos…It’s cool.”

So there you go Mr. President…do these things, and Friday’s event in Bagwine, Ohio will go over like gangbusters, or if you want to be more real with your audience, it will go over like gang bangers.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Surviving Halloween Takes Preparation

Hola monsters, goblins, ghouls, freaks and other people! Man, I fucking hate Halloween. Yeah, I know you love dressing up and you love dressing your chubby-cheeked shit machine baby like a bumblebee and stuff like that. Okay, I agree the bumblebee babies are cute as hell, but that doesn’t make up for how shitty Halloween is.

Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and all social media is overrun with grown-ass adults dressing up in stupid costumes before they go out and drink themselves silly with all the other fucking freaks. Halloween has now joined St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve as the three biggest amateur nights in America. Hell, I’m even sick of the slutty Halloween costumes.

But, you know what I really hate? Horror movies. I know, right!? It’s not because I’m a pussy or anything, it’s just that I can’t stand how stupid most of them are. There are only two good things that have ever been associated with horror movies: That time I put a clown doll on my sister’s bed right after we all watch Poltergeist (that was a fucking classic) and the truly great performance by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs in I Know What You Did Last Summer. I’ve seen so many of these movies that I will now give you some advice on how to live through Halloween…

- Shoot all zombies in the head. This should be common knowledge by now, but unfortunately not everyone has gotten the memo yet. Every year there’s a new batch of zombie movies and TV shows where people try every way they can think of to kill zombies except shooting them in the head and it never ends well for them.

- When you shoot the bad guy, monster, villain or whatever don’t just drop the gun and sit down or walk away as if you’ve dropped the mic after killing at the Comedy Store. Empty the clip from that damn gun into that bastard’s ass. If you don’t he’s gonna get up and grab your ass a little ways down the road and then things will get nasty.

- Same goes for women who are holding the guy who raped them and killed their whole family and every friend they’ve ever had at gunpoint but can’t pull the trigger. Dudes always talk chicks out of shooting them. Every. Fucking. Time. Memo to women: Y’all want equality? Y’all want us to quit making all the “because you’re a girl” jokes? Shoot the fucking bad guy once! Then we’ll talk, okay?

- This is for men and women: When you get home after dark and all the lights are off in the house and you open the front door and you try the light switch don’t just fucking wander into the dark house saying “Is anyone there???” You pretty much deserve what you get when you do that stupid shit.

- Don’t stop having sex to go and investigate some strange noise you thought you heard.

- When your house tells you to “GET OUT” pack your shit up and get the fuck out.

- The cop sitting in his car out front of your house who is supposedly there to protect you is dead so don’t get comfy.

- Don’t go for a drive down a rural, lightly travelled road in the middle of the night. Your piece of shit car will break down and you WILL die a gruesome death.

- Just kill every clown you see. Don’t take any chances with those bastards.

- Don’t bother trying to run into the woods to get away from the monster or bad guy. You’re gonna trip over a twig and injure your pansy-ass self and then die.

- If there is danger around like zombies or ghosts or serial killers who have escaped from the mental institution, just go ahead and kill the crybaby bitch who panics easily and can’t keep herself together cause she will get you killed later on. Seriously, nobody needs that shit.

- Stay the fuck away from areas that look like they’re full of inbreds, abandoned houses, mental institutions and camping areas and other obvious places like that. Seriously, why do people still go to these fucking places after all the shit that has happened over the years? Idiots.

Okay, this is getting long so that’s all the advice I’m giving out for today. But, that doesn’t mean you get to blame me if you do something stupid and tempt fate like opening your fucking door for all those little homeless children begging for candy on Halloween night. They can’t be trusted!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Schadenfreude

Hi Kidz.  I know this is late but, I got up at 5:38 AM on Sunday, did a radio show, and my brother came over, I had a fridge full of beer, and THAT..?

That is not a good combination for meeting a Midnight deadline.

Anyhoo, here’s the thing.  We’re Number One.  IWS Radio is Number One today, was yesterday, and looking at yesterday’s initial show numbers, that show will be Number One in the near future.

Hell.  Our shows have hit Number One in the Blog Talk Radio Comedy category every day for the past month.

But…Success is a double-edged sword.  While many folks love us, others who burn with inglorious envy, dream to take us down, and invoke the self-serving power of…

Schadenfreude

Yes my friends, during yesterday’s IWS Open Phone Line Sunday Show, hundreds listened live and several inglorious bastards called-in in order to belittle us, throw us off our Number One game, and denigrate us.

It was, in a word, hurtful.

However, we adapted, overcame, and sallied forth with our mission of providing quality entertainment at a fair price.

Being the professionals that Jayman and I are, phone calls sullied with contempt for our achievements cannot keep us from filling your Sundays and Wednesdays with a smile, nor a laugh, or merely a chuckle.

We…are…that…good.  And Number One as well.  Have I mentioned that?

On the upside, our IWS friend and uber-hottie Missy, had her daughter Regan call-in and tell us of her trick and treating exploits which was quite nice, and…

We spent some time talking to the baaaaaaaad boy of Social Media, Dr. Mike Sevilla, who while not providing a diagnosis for our sickly friend Schmoop, was as charming as always.

So, if you care to hear what a Number One BTR show sounds like, listen to yesterday’s show and hear why others of lesser talent are hating us, envying us, and want to be like us.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Babe of the Week: Animal Costumes

And now for something completely different! Instead of hot babes this week, IWS honors some cute, fun and hilarious pet costumes for Halloween.

First up is Fire Truck Corgi …

Here’s Pumpkin Cat…

How ‘bout a nice hot Baked Pug Potato…

Awww little kitty is a lobster in a pot on the stove …

BatDog!!

And of course, Elvis Cat has left the building …

So there you go kids! Some of the cutest Halloween costumes you’ll see anywhere! Don’t forget to join us on I’m With Stupid today for Open Line Sunday and call in and talk to us!

Matt Said...Jay Said 2.1

Matt exfoliates….Jay sweeps up the dead skin because it's gross.  You listen.

Jay:  No kiddin’ around tonight.  How’s Schmoop?
Matt:  Easy fella.  She’s only been in the hospital for four days, you don’t expect to know anything after a mere 96 hours do you?
Jay: Well, let me think………Yes!!
Matt:  Eh…We don’t know squat other than her bill is probably about 15 Grand by now and they haven’t even done anything.
Jay:  Ouch…That’s a serious affliction to overcome.  She may never recover.
Matt:  IKR?

Jay:  So how’d the surgery go?
Matt:  Well…It didn’t work.  The procedure they used couldn’t open the plugged bile duct.
Jay:  That’s sucks.  I hate to see a person, let alone a bile duct, unable to be free.
Matt:  I guess they are trying a different procedure today.  It’s gonna be straight through the stomach.
Jay:  Well, that’s better than a rear assault
Matt:  Oh trust me, she would never go for that.
Jay:  Even if it made her better?
Matt:  Nooooo.  I have been trying to breach her rear for years and she refuses to open that levee.

Jay:  Sad.  Soooooo?  Can she call in on Sunday’s show from the hospital?
Matt:  Ha.  This is what the ultimate bullshit is.  If it goes well today, she may be released in order to come home Sunday prior to the big surgery that they think they may want to do.
Jay:  Screw that.  We need her to call into Sunday’s show from the hospital.  Fucking outrageous!!
Matt:  IKR?  Oy Vey.
Jay:  This medical crew sounds like the same screwed up staff at Blog Talk Radio.
Matt:  I know.

Jay:  By the way…What should we talk about on Sunday’s show?
Matt:  I had a great idea.  We could do a Halloween Spooktacular!!
Jay:  Not bad, but shouldn't that be our Wednesday show?  This Wednesday is Halloween.
Matt:  Oh it is, isn't it?
Jay:  Being the numbers guy that you are, I find it amusing that calendars confuse you.
Matt:  Is today Thursday or Friday?
Jay:  Yes.

Jay:  How ’bout this…We are in limbo with Schmoop, so we could just wing it and beg people to call in?
Matt:  They really should.  We are the Number One BTR Comedy show every week and deserve callers.
Jay:  IKR?  They could call in…wish Schmoop well…talk about Halloween, and tell us how sexy we are.
Matt:  I like it, and it requires little thought or preparation on our part, which I love!!
Jay:  Ha…Genius!!  Another Number One Show in the making!!

Matt:  Gonna be huge, IF…Our diverse and worldwide audience decides to call-in and chime in.
Jay:  For once, this show is not on our shoulders…it’s on theirs.
Matt:  Damn right.  Talk to you on Sunday.
Jay;  Okay…Give Schmoop a grope for me.
Matt:  Will Do.

And if you'd like to catch the next IWS Radio Show LIVE this Sunday at NOON ET, you can click right HERE.

Quit Being So Difficult

Hola y’all! You know what really annoys me? The new trend here in Redneckville of people in Walmart walking along beside their cart holding onto the side of it and pulling it along with them. Way to take up the whole fucking isle assholes. Anyway, that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m gonna talk about the annoying habit people have of acting as it they’re entitled to a different cuisine every night. Here’s a hypothetical type situation to show you what I mean…

Me: Hey! Let’s get some dinner?
Friend: Sure, sounds great.
Me: What do you want?
Friend: Oh anything is cool with me. Just whatever.
Me: Okay, how ‘bout Chinese?
Friend: Yeah, I don’t really like Chinese.
Me: Why didn’t you say so?
Friend: I didn’t think you’d suggest Chinese.
Me: But, you could have said “Anything but Chinese.”
Friend: I just thought I’d roll the dice on that one.
Me: Okay, not problem. How ‘bout burgers?
Friend: I had a burger last night.

Now, this is when things get really dicey. When did we become so damn spoiled that we simply will not have the same thing two days in a row? Are we THAT entitled? Do we have some God-given right to have a variety in our meals and never have to double up? What’s worse is that people who do this have never think twice about having leftovers the next day at home or grabbing a cold slice of pizza from the night before and having it for breakfast. Why pretend to be so pretentious about this shit with your friends?

And just because you had Mexican last night doesn’t mean you can’t have Mexican tonight! So you had a quesadilla yesterday? Big deal! Have chimichanga today. What’s so difficult about that? Mexicans have Mexican food almost every single day. They don’t bitch about it.

Or maybe you had Eggplant Parmigiana last night. Have the Chicken Marsala tonight! It won’t hurt you. It’ll be delicious. Italians do shit like this all the time. And, like Mexicans, they don’t bitch about it either, which is amazing because Italians pretty much bitch about everything.

Hell, A BILLION Chinese have Chinese food two or three times a day, every single day of their lives. They don’t DEMAND something different every night. They don’t ask to mix it up and not have the same thing twice in a row, or twice in a week. Hell, I could have Peking Duck several nights in a row without any complaint whatsoever. Love the crispy skin!

Basically people, if someone asks where you want to go for lunch, don’t say “Oh anywhere you want is fine with me” if it isn’t. See, despite my love of Asian women, I’m not a fan of Chinese food. So, if I’m asked if I have a preference, I’ll say “Anything but Chinese is great” because it is. But, if they don’t ask for a preference and they go to a Chinese place, I will be able to find something I can live with and won’t complain. That’s just the considerate kind of guy I am.

Of course, there’s another annoying person in this situation too. I’m talking about the guy who says “Hey let’s go to breakfast (or lunch or dinner), I’m paying. Wherever you want to go is good with me dude.” And then you get someplace and he’s like “Damn, this is a pretty expensive place. I was thinking Waffle House instead of Bob Evans.”

Don’t be either of these people y’all. Just suck it up, order something yummy and have fun assholes.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Dr. Rawalpindi Speaks...You Listen

Hallo.  Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi here wishing you all a morning of goodness, satisfaction, and Egg McMuffins.

I am the official physician for the IWS Radio team.

I am proffered for your acceptance from New Delhi via the University of Bombay, the Ohio State University of the Medical Arts, and an ill-gotten F-1 Student Visa from my Mexican doctor friend, Paco.

Say what you will, but trust me now, and regret me later…I know my medicinal arts.

I have treated the Matt-Man for gonorrhea.  I have treated Jayman for shingles.  I have treated many of you, their reading and listening audience, for bad taste.

My scope of practionocity is extremely limited and unvisible.  I am the Uber-Doctor, and?

The only thing that I have, that is more huger than my ego is the amount of malpractice insurance that I carry, because if I mishappenly perform a spinal tap on your vagina, I want you to cognizate that you would be duly compentrated for the pain and great cardio woefulness that I may or may not have persisted on you.

And your vagina.

I am currently praticinating and serving umbrage at the Ohio State Medical Center, and am having the glorious ability to treat one friend of IWS, Schmoop.

After parlaying my knowing eye upon her for a day or so, I know one thing to be true.

The Bitch is Yellow.

And here is where my medicinal expertise carry forth.

Is she Chinese yellow?  Is she Korean yellow, or….and I have a hunchback, is she Laotian yellow!?

Bringo!!  Yes her is!!

Uh-huh…I uttered that!!  Bitch is suffering from Laotian Disease.

She been resting here most gingerly for one half less than two days, so on this 24 hour period I shall run some exams in order to confirminate my diagnostics.

Laotian Disease is not what you Americans call, “attractive.”

Sure, when one contracts it, and is merely bespeckled in a yellow hue, it is manageable, however…

If left un-deblemished, the patient will begin to quote Mao, develop a taste for fetid water, and go see my colleague Paco for a passport so he or she can go to Vientiane in utmost hope of securing job sewing American flags and sweat socks at twenty-two cents a day.

I know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness 30 Day Period, but I think it is time that we regale some time to Laotian Disease.

Schmoop has it.  I’m on it, and in the finality…Something good will come of it…Probably.

With the Utmost Sincerity and Wishing you a Great Harvest and Three Cows,

Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi

And in other news….Yesterday on IWS Radio, Jay and Matt discussed the medical field as our buddy Schmoop lies in Columbus, Ohio sick and suffering.

If you missed it, you can catch it all right here…

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers,
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com

Arkansas Moves Backwards at a Fast Pace

Hola y’all! Boy howdy things are just crazy these days. Check out some of the things I was just reading about today:

A republican over in Jonesboro, AR who has written a book in which he makes the argument that slavery was a blessing for blacks has a HUGE lead in his state senate race over his democratic opponent. He has also asked “when will blacks take responsibility for their own lives?” (Sounds like someone’s 47% video huh?)

Another republican over in Northwest AR who has publicly argued for stoning of rebellious children in accordance with the Bible is also cruising to victory. Children aren’t the only ones he wants dead though. He claims anyone who is convicted of any crime who isn’t “rehabilitated” in two years should get the death penalty. Oh and that all Muslims should be kicked out of the country.

Yet another republican is running in west Arkansas who has written a series of letters to the editor defending slavery and castigating Abraham Lincoln as a “Northern War Criminal.” His money quote was “If slavery was so God-awful, why doesn’t Jesus condemn it?”

Right here in Redneck County we have a real live white supremacist* running for a position on the Quorum Court. And we all know he’s going to win, don’t we? Of course we do. His primary concern is that allowing all these immigrants into the country is causing us to lose our “purity” and that whites are a superior race and all that KKK stuff.

And finally, I found out today that US Olympic high hurdler and hottie Lolo Jones is now a bobsledder! When will it all end???

I don’t know how much of this I can take. Okay, I can handle Lolo bobsledding. That doesn’t seem like anything that will hurt us as a society. It just means I have to put up with her hot annoying ass much longer than I thought I would have to. Why hasn’t anyone just given her a reality show yet? Sheesh.

Anyway, the steady march backwards here in Arkansas has turned into a dead sprint as every kooky weirdo racist freak is looking to get into elected office and the fine folks in these districts, specifically designed to elect such people, appear ready to oblige them. What a state huh?

And where is the Republican Party while these guys are heading for victory? Cheering them on and making plans to put them on “relevant” committees and such. Oh sure, publicly they’ve said all the right things and claim to have stopped supporting these guys. But, what a party does publicly and what it does privately are often times two different things.

After the initial pretend pearl clutching by the republicans things settled back down and it was business as usual. And of course you have lots of good and decent citizens saying idiotic things like “well, I don’t agree with him on those things, but I support his policies.” What fucking policies?

These positions they’re taking on slavery, race and gays ARE their policies. It’s their belief that these are the MOST IMPORTANT things our government should be focusing on. That’s because they truly believe that all of our problems as a nation can be blamed on blacks, immigrants, gays and women. If you get them back in line and suppress them, and just impose “God’s Law” then all our problems go away.

And you know what? We’re gonna find out in January when these people take their seats whether the Republican Party has adopted their views and will quietly help them push their agendas or if they will attempt to isolate them and their crazy, dangerous and offensive ideas.

I’m not optimistic. Nor should you be because this isn’t an isolated occurrence. It will all be coming to your enlightened,  tolerant community in the years to come too.

*Local races are here are technically non-partisan, but you can find all of Mr. White Supremacists campaign materials at the local republican party headquarters.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

I Miss My Friend

Ho ohhhhhhhhh, let me tell you something right now, and with anger.

My beloved Schmoop went into the hospital yesterday and you know what the diagnosis was?

Matt is a no-good, lousy ass, lying jerk who has no need for a car!!

I kid you not!!

Schmoop is not doing well, so I, at 7:15 AM walked her down to the car so she could drive to her brother’s house and he could take her to the ER.

He did…However, I guess he had enough at 4 PM or so, and after failing to call me as to her condition, went through the Beer Mine and did noting but get me in trouble.

You see, I had called in sick, should I get to go to the hospital, however, Drive-By Mike saw it merely as a ruse to get a day off and fuck up his farming.

After his chastisement, and me saying,  “Fuck Him.”, I kinda cried

I was thinking…my best friend was in the hospital, Schmoop’s brother will call and/or drop the car off..

And yet, her brother didn't call me, he merely went through the Beer Mine and drove the car to his home.

My boss was pissed at me.

And I’m thinking…My Schmoop’s brother is an idiot and Drive-By Mikey has no soul, and….I used to like them both.

Monday has left a bad taste in my mouth and you know what is the worst taste?

I still don’t know what is wrong with Schmoop, and that’s all I care about.

Well, other than the fact that I still have no car, and that Mike and Dave need to burn in Hell.

I do want to thank Jayman and Missalicious for talking to me today…Their words were quite helpful; they kept me from going over the edge.

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Man High School Sucked

Hola y’all! As you probably know by now we took a little trip down Memory Lane on I’m With Stupid this week. Well, I actually dug up my high school yearbook from my senior year and leafed through it after the show. As I went through the book it brought back all kinds of memories. Some were good. Some were bad. So, I thought I’d share them with you guys. The title for the book was “The Sky’s No Limit” and the recurring theme was “Triumph and Tragedy.”

On the first page we hit tragedy pretty hard. There’s a pic of the Challenger just after it blew up. That was definitely a defining moment of my senior year. Of course, nobody on the staff took that photo. And they don’t give any credit for it anywhere that I can see. WTF guys? You just stole the someone’s photo?

Next we get into some triumphs. Both the school and things like MLB and NFL and what have you. Some pics get credits, some don’t. Such shoddy work! Oh hey, there’s Ronald Reagan. What’s he doing in there? Oh yea, he was president. I probably would have sneaked him onto the “Tragedy” page just as a joke.

And here’s the senior class! And there I am! First in my class! Well, alphabetically anyway. Man, I as a good looking dude. And so tan! And no gray hairs! Wait. Who are these people? Did I really go to school with them?

WHOA! Flock of Seagulls Hair Chick! That was a bad choice. I bet she looks back on that senior pic with some major disappointment.

Oh there’s the chick I thought I would marry someday. She never had any such thoughts about me though. Still hurts. *tears up a little*

There’s one of two girls that I actually made a real effort to have sex with. Not make love to. Not be boyfriend to. But, to actually just have sex with. It didn’t happen, but we came close. I actually thought it was going to for a while, but she got smart and stopped things before she did something she would regret for the rest of her life. Good move on her part.

And there’s the one who to this day is still the weirdest chick I’ve ever met. And that’s saying something cause I know a few weird babes. She was the OTHER one I made a real effort to have sex with. She was weird but not stupid so I never even got close with her. I remember other guys telling me “She’s not that good looking” and my saying “You just don’t understand.” I wonder where she is today. She’s probably hanging out with her weird kids in some weird house doing weird things.

Oh look! All the school clubs that I didn’t join. Drama, DECA, FFA, FBLA, SGA, CIA, NCAA whatever. There’s my cousin Zed teaching shop to the miscreants that the school gave up on and tried to isolate. I wasn’t much of a joiner back then.

The golf team! I was on that team. Of course, our picture isn’t in the yearbook because they scheduled it the same day as one of our tournaments and refused to take it another time. At least they mention my second place finish at district.

And the newspaper staff! I was the editor of The Goblin. Of course, I’m not pictured because they took that photo the same day that they scheduled the golf team photo. Jesus I went to high school with some real assholes.

Well that’s basically it. Oh sure there’s the Homecoming dance, Colors Day dance, Sadie Hawkins dance and Prom, but I didn’t go to any of those. And then a few pages where some students were “featured” by local businesses and organizations. I wasn’t in those either.

What a miserable time that was.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news you should totally listen to our “When We Were 18” show from Sunday! We talked about the 80’s, TV Shows, Movies, school, jobs, babes, dreams and so much more. Definitely check it out.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

IWS Babe of the Week: Our HOT IWS Friends

Each and every Sunday on the IWS website, we typically highlight a famous actress, actresses, or celebrities who may be trending and would provide good traffic for our website whom we truly love.

However, today?

Because of things that have transpired over the last few days, which will remain sub rosa until Wednesday's show, we'd like to excoriate, illuminate some of the hot babes who listen to, read, and/or otherwise take out cease and desist orders toward IWS Radio, and Jay and I.

First up...The Schmoopster.  This chick has been adored, canonized, and well, at the same time, made fun of on more than one occasion by Jay and Matt...

On deck, we have the lovely Missalicious.

Now Missy has done a fundraiser for us.  She also offers plentiful advice to us, such as...

"If I knew when I agreed to do your show that there would be no bagels in the Green Room, I would have told to you two cheap bastards to forget it...Uuch."

Of course there is always the uber-lovely Jo.  She is so damn hot...especially when she wears ponytails and cruises the High Schools in hopes of a tawdry and illegal affair...

And then, we have Jayman's BFF Warrior Kat.  Kat is a nurse, and if she ever said to me that this test requires that she quickly and painfully stick a needle into my scrotum, I would still answer, "Oh Yeah, Baby. Do it three times for accuracy!!"

Hell...While we make fun of her often, we love when Dana escapes her mythical Accounting Meeting and joins us most Wednesdays...

And then of course...There is Tamara.  Tamra is one hard nosed, hard rocking chick, who...loves the animals and tries to save all of those whom she can...

Yeah, celebrity Bitches are perceived as hot many times, but seriously?

Jay and I are blessed with boatload of hot chicks who listen to us, and more importantly, hot chicks whom we consider our friends.

Annnnnnd....We will be broadcasting LIVE today at NOON ET as we talk about when we were 18 years old.

As Matt-Man's son Ryno will turn 18 on Wednesday we thought it to be the perfect time to re-live our glory days when we were 18.

Join us LIVE today at NOON ET on BTR as we discuss our youth and you can listen and chime in as well by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt Said, Jay Said: _VMCMLXIX

Matt blathers, Jay blathers, You listen intently.

Matt: Good evening how may I direct your call?
Jay: May I speak to the decision maker of the house?
Matt: Oh that would be me. Totally.
Jay: Great! I’m calling on behalf of Branson Weekends.
Matt: I love Branson Missouri!
Jay: Well, we would like to offer you a great deal on a weekend there!
Matt: Do we get to look at timeshare condos?
Jay: Absolutely!
Matt: Cooooooooool!
Jay: And, you’ll get to stay in a lovely suite overlooking Lake Taneycomo.
Matt: Lake Perry Como?
Jay: No, TANEY-como.
Matt: Is Perry Como performing there? Or is he dead? Or was that Andy Williams.
Jay: Well, they’re both dead, but Clink Black is headlining the Andy Williams Theater.
Matt: Eh. We were hoping for Pam Tillis, so no thanks.
Jay: Okie Dokie.

Jay: Have you seen how many listens we got for the Man Crush show?
Matt: It’s actually a little scary.
Jay: Who are these people?
Matt: Shut-ins, I suppose.
Jay: Sad, lonely people.
Matt: They just “get” us.
Jay: We speak to them.
Matt: They know we’re one of them.
Jay: People who masturbate then cry themselves to sleep at night.
Matt: Boy do we know how that is.
Jay: Totally.

Matt: *typing*
Jay: Who are you communicating with?
Matt: My brother.
Jay: What’s he doing?
Matt: Riding around in a golf cart.
Jay: Why?
Matt: Because he can’t find a caddie? Hey-OOOOO
Jay: I walked right into that one.
Matt: I’m way too quick for you.
Jay: Obviously.

Jay: Got any ideas for Sunday?
Matt: Many!
Jay: Do you want to share them?
Matt: You promise not to tell anyone?
Jay: Of course!
Matt: Well, Ryno turns 18 next week.
Jay: That’s exciting.
Matt: So I thought we could talk about when WE were 18?
Jay: I like it!
Matt: I’m sure we both have plenty of stories.
Jay: Absolutely. And that’s when we both had hope for our futures.
Matt: Exactly! We were graduating high school and heading to college.
Jay: Lots of great experiences.
Matt: It’ll be HUGE!
Jay: Another MONSTER show coming up!
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either!

Alright, there you go. A little insight into how a couple of brilliant guys put together the NUMBER ONE comedy show on BTR! Tune in Sunday at 12 Noon ET for “When We Were 18.” And then call in with your great memories.

Liberals

You can’t make this up folks…I was going to half-heartedly type about one thing, and then BAM…something else happened.

I was Facebooked. Yeah, I just invented that word, so?

And by Facebooked, I mean that someone other than a friend posted something to my timeline, which was this…

Anyhoo…

I was Facebooked last night by one Jim Stewart.

Oh the horror. He thought it was funny, and expected me to retort by laughing and saying, “Ha.”

Well, as for those of you who know me, I don’t play that way. I have to engage whether the perpetrator be a friend, a moron, or a dickhead.

And well, since he met the latter two of those three criteria, I had to respond. And the funny thing is, it’s not because I am a big fan of President Obama. Which my friends, drives him and his ilk, crazy, because, as they say…

“If you’re not for the Republican, you’re for the Democrat Muslim guy.”

Because I am more than left of center and make no bones about it, I am labeled a, “Liberal.”

What those who label me a “Liberal” don’t understand, is that I while I love peace and harmony in the world, I am a military nut, and want this country to have the biggest and baddest armed forces in the world.

I also love Natural Gas. This country is the Saudi Arabia of natural gas. I just want to make sure fracking to get said gas doesn’t destroy water supplies and farm fields. If it doesn’t? Frack Away America!! Frack Away!!

You know what else I like? Lower taxes. Who doesn’t like lower taxes, however…

Why can’t the government lower the rate on those making less than a million, and yes, I said a million in order to compensate for high cost areas, and raise it a few percentage points on guys like President Obama and Willard Romney?

It’s not going to hurt those folks, and it would certainly help us…well you guys anyway…for me personally, I am wealthy and need not a tax break, because I am independently rich and AWESOME!!

Can I get a shout out from the choir!!? Sorry, I digressed. Anyhoo…

Abortion. Yes, as a “Liberal”, I sit around all day thinking about new and exciting ways to kill babies. Well, that is what some on the right think.

I am actually anti-abortion, however…

If a chick gets pregnant, and cannot or will not support the zygote, or was otherwise raped, pillaged, and/or deforested by an overpowering old, gray, white guy, no overpowering, old, gray, white guy should tell her that she must have his baby…er…her baby.

See how the Libertarian in me is coming out!?

There’s plenty of other things that make me a Liberaltarian as well…

Oh your coffee was too hot and you want to sue? Denied!!

You fell off your bike and crushed your skull due to no helmet? Tough Luck!!

You smoked all these years and didn’t know it could give you cancer? Are you new!?

Why didn’t my son get a trophy? Because your son sucks and throws like a girl!!

See?

I want everyone taken care of. I want reproductive rights protected. I want the uber-rich to pay a little more, but…

On the same hand, I want folks to stand up for themselves. I want them to quit being pussies. I want them to say, “I’m gonna grow up and take life by the horns, and at least try to live the American dream.”

And if they fail, I want us as a country to be there to pick up the pieces, and if that is what being a Liberal is?

So be it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattman@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Not So Secure Security Guards

Hola safety conscious folks! How ‘bout a story? Great!

I was working for a manufacturing company in Springfield, Missouri and security was a major concern throughout the company. They decided that all security guards, no matter the location, would be employed by the company and not a private security company, and they would all be armed.

One of them was a guy in mid-50’s who was retired military. He took his job very seriously and loved to stop people and ask us where our employee badges that we were supposed to wear at all times were. He also took his time to do all paperwork on visitors and made sure things were done in an orderly proficient manner. And to be honest with you he didn’t see all that stable to me.

One Sunday afternoon one of the managers decided he need to spend some time at the office to get some stuff done. While he was busy working away he suddenly heard a gunshot. He listened for a minute and decided it was nothing and went back to work. Then he heard another ... and then another!

He quickly called security, but nobody answered at the security booth. After he finally got ahold of the security guard, the manager asked if had heard gunshots. The security guard said “Oh, that was me, there’s nothing to worry about.” When asked what he was doing the guard said “I was just shooting catfish in the company pond.”

But wait that’s not all .....

Over the week of the 4th of July things were a bit slow so they decided to shut down for the whole week. So, the poor security guards were really bored that week.

One night after sunset this same security guard was making his rounds when he realized that somebody had entered into the office area. He checked out front to see whose car was there and saw a big white conversion van. He knew that none of the bosses drove anything like that so he decided to investigate.

Just as he got to the front offices he heard somebody in the General Manager’s office. Now he knew there was a problem! He slowly approached the office so as to not make a sound. He very carefully drew his gun. He stood next to the door for a second and then stepped into the office, pointed his gun and yelled “FREEZE!”

At this point the 65 year old cleaning lady screamed and threw her arms into the air. She was so scared and excited that the spray bottle of cleaner and the cleaning rags she was holding went flying through the air. The spray bottle hit the desk with a loud “THUD” and broke open.

The scream from the cleaning lady and the thud from the spray bottle scared the security guard. He jumped to the side and instinctively pulled the trigger on the gun, and gunned down the boss’s cactus plant.

At this point the cleaning lady screamed again and ran past the security guard knocking him to the ground. She ran through the building and outside and got into the van and drove to an convenience store and asked the clerk to call 911. She excitedly told them about how she was cleaning an office when some old guy tried to hold her up and took a shot at her.

While she was online with 911 the police got another call. The security guard was telling them that he had caught a burglar in the act and the burglar had shoved him down and run out of the building.

They took the guns away from the security guards the next day.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news we had yet another classic IWS show on Wednesday. We talked about the Second Presidential Debate, hyper partisanship, defended undecided voters, talked about anonymous asshole trolls on the internet and more. Then we took a call from Drive-By Mikey who told us about experimenting with Bath Salts and then from Missy who updated us on her cold through her sexy raspy voice. Good times! Check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Obama Romney Town Hall Debate...Cheetos Eatin' Americans Probably Missed Their Points

Last night, I didn't watch the Presidential Town Hall style debate live.  Well, not on TV anyway.  I never watch debates live on TV any longer.

Sure, I go back and watch the replay on TV, sometimes more than once, but the only way to most enjoyably and in real time, “watch” a Presidential debate, is on Twitter and Facebook.

I tell ya, people.  It’s more exciting than it would be to watch a strap-on wearing Scarlett Johansson doing Eva Longoria doggie style in my living room.

Okay, okay…that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but Lordy, Lordy…

Folks on Twitter and Facebook, be they celebrity or average American, certainly know how to oscillate statements made by their candidate of choice and turn a boring diatribe of duality into an overly-frothed milkshake of cyber stupidity and uber-rollicking entertainment.

I swear people.  Americans are some of the stupidest, most intellectually rigid, non-thinking for themselves motherfuckers in the world.

Yeah I said, that, and I am even throwing Americans in with stupid, fanatical Muslims who blow people up because they might get laid because of it.

I know, I know…You’re saying:

“Matt-Man, you really believe that overly excitable Americans who are blinded to a political party are just as bad as over-zealous, misinterpreting Muslims who bastardize the Quran?”

Well, minus the killing and murderous tendencies that some of the aforementioned Muslims do, yes, as far as intellect and self-determination goes, yes I am saying just that.

After watching the past two Presidential debates through the virtual eyes of Twitter and Facebook I have but one thing to say…

America?  As a people we in general, are fucking stupid, short-sighted, myopic, incurious, and most of all, intellectually lazy.

I was avidly reading all the tweets and Facebook entries during the debate last night, and well…As I was laughing, I was also getting a dry mouth and sore throat due to me sitting here with mouth agape being stupefied by the comments from people over the debate performances.

Sean Hannity was tweeting that this was the greatest debate performance ever by Romney…Ha, Romney got his ass kicked.

Ed Schultz was excitedly jacking off over Obama’s performance during this debate, yet never acknowledged that during the first debate, Obama got his ass kicked by Romney.

Both guys have their heads up their asses, and well, I wish their heads would stay there, so they’d shut the fuck up.

Gregt Gutfeld was adoringly screaming like a schoolgirl on Twitter in hopes that Romney would notice his no-talent ass, and Michael Moore was cheering on Obama while being to the world of journalism what Bartolo Colon is to the world of professional athletes.

And you?  The simple, every day voter, tweeter, and Facebook poster?

Oy…

Forty to Fifty percent of you are no different than the vapid, talking heads that I mentioned.

You, like them…You have preconceived notions, a head full of what others have told you, and no concept of personal thought, of personal reasoning as to who or what is best for this country.

This election like all elections in recent memory, has become merely a sport…a game…a chance to be on the winning side.

I think President Obama, summed this up well, and has caught hell for saying it, but he was right…

“You can’t change Washington from the inside.”

No, no you can’t.  Not when the citizens of this country keep electing representatives based upon party rather than the ability to govern.

It’s sad, and knowing how bad it has gotten, we should change the motto on our coins.

We should change the motto from E Pulribus Unum to E Pluribus Stupid.

And Jayman and I will discuss that, and many other things today LIVE at 11 AM ET on IWS Radio which you can catch by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

I Love Conspiracy Theorists

Hola conspiracy theorists! I’m a magnet for weirdos  freaks, creeps, punks, geeks, sportos, motorheads, dweebs, dorks, sluts, butt-heads and mentally unstable. I’m not complaining because that’s what makes life interesting. Also, I often times have very serious concerns about my own mental well-being until I meet one of these people and I feel better about myself. Anyway, people feel free to share their conspiracy theories with me all the time. I thought I would share a few of them with you guys.

Space Junkie: I was walking into Walmart one very hot summer day and there was a truck driver right next to me. I gave him the bro-nod and said “hi” to him and he then asked me “hot enough for ya?” I answered in the affirmative and he then said “I tell you what! If they don’t stop shootin’ stuff off into outer space, they’re gonna make it too damn hot to live here on this planet.”

I told him I always thought it had something to do with the positioning of the Earth and Sun during the summer months here in the Northern Hemisphere. “Well, that’s what they tell us, isn’t it?” was his response as he shook his head in bitter disappointment that I had fallen victim to the government weather propaganda machine.

Miss Independent: I met a coworker’s mother once who spent every single day of her life defending American Independence from the threat posed by the United Nations. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that the U.N. was working to take over America first and then the rest of the world would fall into line under a ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT! In fact, for a while in early 1992 she was sure that the great U.N. Coup was underway right under our noses.

“If you drive past the National Guard building near the airport, coming from Highway 65, really slow” she told me in hushed tones “and look behind the building … *looks around to see if anyone is listening* … you will see two white Jeeps with blue ‘U.N.’ lettering on them.”

I stared at her slack-jawed with wide eyes and loudly whispered “NO SHIT?!?” She nodded knowingly so that I knew that she understood how much fear I was in and she then shushed me in case anyone was listening in.

Sovereign Citizen: This guy was my neighbor for a while back in the day. He had a new cell phone and was talking about how he could sign up for alerts from the Power Company and Cable Company when there are outages and stuff. I told him he could also get emergency messages in case of bad weather or even terrorists attacks. Before I could even finish talking he was shaking his head.

“I’m not giving the government my phone number dude. No damn way that’s happening!” He fired back. “Hell, I refuse to even give them my social security number when they ask for it on different forms. They just don’t need to have any kind of access to me and my life like that.”  I asked him how giving them his phone number would hurt he replied “If they get my phone number, they can track me pretty easily.”

And there are lots and lots more. Most of them pushing some variation of the U.N. takeover of America and even a few who told me about Mexico taking Texas back after the Latino Power Structure takes over the Texas and federal governments. And, there was the barber who explained that all of our problems can be traced to “bad Americans” buying all these foreign cars. Like I said, I love each and every one of these people and thank them for entertaining me so much over the years.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

AN IWS Vlog....Matt-Man's Fridge

As you freaks know, Jayman did a vlog last week showing the contents of his wallet.

Well, in keeping with the video magic that he began, I offer this video of me, half asleep, taking you on a journey of the Bagwine fridge, freezer, and cabinets.

And don't forget...Yesterday, Jayman and I talked about all the guys we'd like to get hot with as we presented another sure to be Number One IWS Radio Show.

If you missed it, you can catch it it right here:

Man Babe of the Week

Sometimes we just gotta balance things out and give something to the ladies here at IWS. So, in keeping with out Man Crush Show this week, we decided to go with some of very popular Man Babes that a lot of people think are really swell ...

Everyone loves James Bond so they must also love Daniel Craig ...

Criminal Minds' Shemar Moore is probably the hottest dude on TV...

Bradley Cooper is hot, funny and he speaks French!

Canning Tatum was a real live male stripper so you know he's freaking hawt...

And everybody love Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights played by DILF Kyle Chandler ...

Matt Said, Jay Said MCMLXVII

Matt whispers sweet nothings.  Jay whispers sweet nothings.  Even though creeped out, you listen.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles!!
Jay:  Hi.  How’s Schmoop?
Matt:  Ummmm, she’s fine; would you like to know how I am?
Jay:  Ha, of course!!  I was kidding; you know I love you.
Matt:  Uh-huh…I’m fine.
Jay:  Great!!  But seriously…how’s Schmoop?
Matt:  Just duckie.
Jay:  Good.  That makes me happy.
Matt:  Whatever.

Jay:  Hey…Are you going to watch the VP debate tonight?
Matt:  I’m not sure.  I’m still debating whether I should or not.  Ha!!  See what I did there!?
Jay:  Oh-Hooooooo. That was clever.  You keep making zingers like that and we’ll always be Number One.
Matt:  Ha!!  I know righ-
Jay:  Or something.
Matt:  I’m the Henny Youngman of show prep phone calls.
Jay:  That you are, and speaking of long dead comedians…do you have any ideas for Sunday’s show?

Matt:  Well, I actually do.
Jay:  Really?
Matt:  I thought that since your sister has come to visit this week, we could talk about our families.
Jay:  That’s a great idea!!
Matt:  Really!?
Jay:  No, I hate it.  Oooooooo.
Matt:  What?

Jay:  I just saw a commercial with Ben Affleck in it.  He’s a good looking guy.
Matt:  Excuse me, what about Ben Affleck?
Jay:  He’s a good looking guy.  What?  I am man enough to admit that a guy can be handsome.
Matt:  Oh he’s a good looking guy alright, it was just the lustful tone in your voice when you said it.
Jay:  Hey.  I am very secure in my masculinity and my heterosexuality, very. What about you, fancy boy?

Matt:  I am, and in fact, in order to prove it, I have an idea for this Sunday’s show.
Jay:  I do too, and I think we are thinking the same thing here, Matt-Man.
Matt:  We always talk about the babes that we think are hot.
Jay:  IKR?  And that leaves out half the world’s population who may also be hot!!
Matt:  And that half would be?
Jay:  Hot guys!!  Come to IWS Radio and get your hot guys!!
Matt:  So that can only lead us to one topic for this Sunday, right?
Jay:  Right!!

Matt and Jay:  The IWS Man Crush Show!!

Matt:  We’ll talk about the men whom we love and desire in a man hug sort of way.
Jay:  Exactly.  The hot guys who turn women’s heads and yet, we want to party with and get to know better.
Matt:  This could be huge.
Jay:  Not could be, it will be!!
Matt:  My nether regions are tingling just thinking about it.
Jay:  Mine as well, but I think it’s more due to the not so crispy catfish I had for lunch.

Matt:  Either way, we will be tingling and singing the praises of hot guys this Sunday at Noon ET.
Jay:  True Dat...another Number One IWS show in the making.
Matt:  Alrighty then, our work here is done.
Jay:  Another great show prep session, and tell Schmoop that I asked about her.
Matt:  See you on IWS Radio this Sunday and you can tell her yourself.
Jay:  Will do.
Matt and Jay:  (click)

You can catch all the IWS Man Crush show action live Sunday at Noon ET by clicking HERE.

Even More From Jay's Notebook

Hola y’all! It’s time again to see what all is in Jay’s Notebook. I know you’re excited so let’s get right to it!

- If money is your hope for independence, you will never have it.” – Henry Ford

Man, what a beautiful quote. Have you ever noticed that it’s really rich people like billionaire Henry Ford who make moronic statements like that? Or things like “Money can’t buy happiness?” Total bullshit.  Rich people love to lecture poor people and working class folks and tell them that “money isn’t everything.” I have no doubt that Paris Hilton is constantly wondering why people think having money is such a big deal.


- Have you ever been driving down the road like at about 80 mph and decide that you need to turn on the air or heat. And just before you push the button to turn it on you think “Man, I hope my car doesn’t blow up the instant I hit this button.”

And then you are actually hesitant to turn the air on because HOLY SHIT what if that really does happen? It happens in movies sometimes right? What if someone booby-trapped my car? Does my sexual deviant upstairs neighbor know how to do something like that? Shit, I’ll just roll the windows down. OH CRAP THEY’RE ELECTRIC TOO! Now you realize that you have to get home before it gets dark because if you turn on your lights: KA-BLOOEY!

Driving can be scary man.

- You know what sucks? Emptying the dishwasher. What a freaking hassle this is. It’s a pain because you never remember to until you’re holding something in your hand that you want to put in there. Like a big pot that you made chili in and you’ve washed it out and you open the dishwasher and realize the damn thing is full and you say “Aw shit! I gotta empty the motherfuckin’ dishwasher!”  And I don’t care if you’re fucking Mother Teresa, you will say “motherfuckin’ dishwasher” in that situation.

Filling the dishwasher is no big deal because that happens a little at a time. But, you have to empty it all at once. And it’s a detail oriented activity too! You have to focus and make sure you put things where they belong. You don’t want to put the serving spoons in the wrong drawer or mix the salad forks with the dinner forks. This shit has rules people!

- Do you guys watch “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?” No, of course you don’t! What about “Swamp People?” No? It’s all so beneath us isn’t it. We’re superior intellectual beings to these people. Just look at our Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr feeds. Nothing there but smart, educated observations about the world from us.

Okay, I don’t watch Honey Boo Boo, but I do love Swamp People. Oh man, you gotta shoot them gators in the perfect spot right between the eyes cause they’re skin is tough and a bullet might not go through or go deep enough and that’ll just piss him off!

Anyway, I was watching people on social media deriding these folks and I started wondering about who’s happier in their lives and about who and what they are. We love to make fun of these people but you know they seem to have it all figured out. They’re not trying to be something or someone they’re not. They’re not worried about follower counts or about finding something impressive about their kids to post on Facebook or any of that shit.

They aren’t worried about looking smart, or dumb or silly. They are who they are they’re fine with that. I honestly think we could all learn a few things from them. Well, maybe some of you could. I totally keep it real all the time.

Most of the time.

Well, I try.

Okay, that’s another exciting edition of Jay’s Notebook! Nothing but fun times kids!

Jayman
Jayman@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS



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Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio