Jayman is Ready to Lead the Hogs to Victory!

Hola y’all! As you may or may not know, the University of Arkansas is in the process of hiring a new head football coach. I don’t know what was so bad about the one they had, but I guess they felt the need to get a new one. Oh wait. I do know what was so bad about him. Never mind on that. Anyway, I thought I would use this wildly popular blog as a way of publicly applying for the job. I have many great qualities that I think the UofA should be looking for.

- I can spell both “Arkansas” and “Razorbacks” without any assistance.

- I can find Fayetteville, AR on a map as well as at least 12 of the other 13 teams in the SEC. I’ve never made any attempt to find out where Auburn is, so I would have to look that school up.

- I have a southern accent so I will fit in.

- I LOVE fried chicken and potato salad so I’ll have no problem going all the football banquets all over the state.

- As a world famous internet radio star, I have excellent communication skills and would have no trouble dealing with the brutal Arkansas media.

- I have the most sincere and undeniable dislike of the University of Alabama of any candidate for the job.

- I can be trusted not to embarrass the school by hitting on Erin Andrews publicly.

- I totally understand the whole four downs and 10 yards to get a first down stuff.

- I get the concept that credit cards are for school expenses and cash is for strippers and players.

- I would give much better advice on a color scheme for the new uniforms than the previous coach did.

- I’ll take exactly half of what the new coach is asking for. Half the pay, half the housing allowance, half the car allowance, half the bonuses, etc. (This excludes the health insurance benefits. I would have to demand 100% of that one. I’m sure you understand.)

- You won’t have to worry about me having an affair with some chick that works for the school or the Razorback Foundation as I’ll be too busy dating strippers.

- I can use my skills as the aforementioned international radio star to promote the UofA and all the players student athletes and get the UofA lots and lots of publicity.

- I have plenty of red shirts already so you won’t have to spend too much on my clothing allowance. But, I would like a really sweet pair of red and white checkered polyester pants like Lou Holts used to wear by in the 70’s.

- I’ve got all the football coaching clichés like “give it 110% at all times” and “we’re scrappy” and “we’re tough to beat” and “that guy is a threat to take it all the way on any play” and “we’ve got some good match ups we can take advantage of out there” and all the others down pat. The media will always get a good quote from me.

- Unlike everyone else I love that big, silly blow up hog head that the players come running out of before home games, so you don’t have to worry about my getting rid of that since it seems like the UofA’s top brass is totally committed to keeping it anyway.

- I can use my internet savvy and social media experience to knock down and/or start rumors on message boards as needed.

- If, after three years and several millions of dollars in salary paid, things aren’t working out, I will graciously and quietly accept a reasonable buyout and step aside for someone else. I think the guarantee of no lawsuits (assuming a fair buyout) is something that should take a lot of pressure off school officials and be my top selling point.

So, as everyone can see I am very clearly a legitimate candidate for this position. I can’t imagine why the UofA would pass an opportunity like this up. I will keep my phone close to me as I await Vice Chancellor and Director of Athletics Jeff Long’s phone call.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS