Jayman the Great

Hola voters! The 2012 presidential election is almost over! And not a minute too soon either. I don’t think I can stand to see another political ad for or against anyone or anything. It’s all just too much. In fact, someday when I become benevolent dictator, the first thing I’m going to do is outlaw all political and advocacy ads except the ones reminding everyone what a great leader I am.

Just for the hell of it, here are some other things I would do …

- I would guarantee government subsidies for men trying to meet Asian chicks.

- I would name Miley Cyrus the Secretary of Fashion.

- I would outlaw all left turns unless you have a turn lane or a protection light.

- I would lower the drinking age to 18, but raise the legal driving age to 21 to avoid teen drunk driving problems.

- I would extend the base paths in baseball from 90 to 95 feet to eliminate all close plays.

- I would outlaw all reality TV shows except Swamp People and that new show about the day to day lives of strippers that VH1 is supposedly doing.

- I would outlaw all feminine hygiene ads, erectile dysfunction ads and ads where people talk about having gas or diarrhea.

- I would also make whatever a person pays for lap dances a charitable deduction on his taxes.

- I would require BTR to rank more than one episode if multiple shows are still getting plays.

- I would ban Celine Dion songs from being played on any radio station in the country. I will allow her to continue to perform in Vegas, but nowhere else!

- I would also ban all sideline reporters in both NFL and College Football. Compete wastes of time.

- I would also bad that Goddam prevent defense crap that coaches always do late in game when they have a precarious lead. It almost always leads to a loss.

- I would move the presidential retreat from Camp David to a small fishing village in Mexico.

- I would get rid of that bullshit tax exempt status that churches enjoy.

- I would shut down the WNBA.

- Cut two dollars in aid to Israel for every one dollar the republicans cut in social programs aimed at children.

- Make it felony for people living in upstairs apartments to crank up their music to ridiculous volumes punishable by 37 years in prison.

- Throw a big-ass blogger and podcaster party in Las Vegas that would be free for everyone.

- Ban the McRib cause that’s some nasty shit man.

- Gather all the world’s most brilliant scientists and have them find a way to make Pepperoni Lover’s Pizza with extra sauce, Mexican food, cheeseburgers and Pepsi totally healthy without losing the great taste. This will go down as my greatest contribution to humanity.

- Oh and I guess I would make sure everyone had equal access to decent healthcare and all that kind of shit. Whatever.

- Make kids go to school year round with only two weeks off around July 4th and Christmas.

- Make any adjustments to any laws to improve my happiness and comfort level whenever necessary. I mean the happiness and comfort level of my loyal followers! Yeah, that’s it.

As you can see, I would be a great benevolent dictator and I would make the world a much better place. I think we should all get busy making this happen as soon as possible. Thanks.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, Sunday’s episode of I’m With Stupid was absolutely fucking hilarious. Well, it was to Matt and Jay at least. We talked about the upcoming Presidential election, made some predictions about what might happen we one side or the other loses, had lots and lots of fun at Dick Morris’ expense and generally mocked all these pretentious political pundits that we’re all sick and tired of seeing and hearing from all the time. It was a seriously funny show so check it out!

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