Cheeeeers Chuckleheads; Matt-Man here for I’m With Stupid.
As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop, is awaiting to go under the knife of Dr. Rawalpindi on December 14th in order to have parts of several of her less than stellar performing internal organs removed.
As we await to see if we will have unemployment money coming in so we can remain in the Bagwine digs, we are making logistical plans in order to make this lifestyle upheaval relatively painless in spite of the cutting and gouging upon her gizzards and innards.
Her brother will take her to the hospital and remain with her through her three to seven hour surgery as well as her seven to ten day post-operative stay.
Schmoop, should she receive her unemployment benefits as she should, has already informed ODJFS to deposit her money grab of socialism directly into her bank account.
She and I have discussed household bill payments, food stockpiles, and my transportation issues to and fro work as the car will be in Columbus with her brother as he remains with her during her traumatic nearly two week stay at OSU Medical Center.
We seem to have been very practical and thoughtful in our considerations as to what needs to be in place prior to her departure, however, there is one infinitely more important item of business that overrides all of the aforementioned particulars that should be in place prior to her gutting…
I Need a Ten-Day Surrogate!!
That’s right.
Both Schmoop and I have agreed that I need supervision while she is gone, so…I am looking for a woman to come and be my companion for ten days and help me make it through this difficult time by offering emotional and moral support, as well as performing, “other duties as assigned.”
I wouldn’t ask this of any of you except for the fact that Schmoop being in a foreign hospital bed, surrounded by foreign doctors all what with their hands up inside of her, performing major life-saving surgery on her is one thing, but having it take place around the Christmas holiday?
Can you imagine how that makes ME feel?
More often than not, it’s all about the patient, while those like me, sit at home wondering if the love of his life made it through surgery, all the while searching for that elusive can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli in the cabinet, and desperately longing for a caring and friendly, feminine shoulder upon which to cry.
Seriously? I don’t need that hassle, and more importantly, it’s just not fair.
Schmoop all gassed up, will be having highly trained medical professionals rummaging through her body, and afterwards will receive an adjustable bed, and catered meals.
And what will I be receiving for my worry and longing for her to be home? Uh-huh, that’s right…
Heartache!!
So, if you are a woman between the ages of 35 and 55, are able to make a good sandwich, can do laundry, light housekeeping, and can pop a top off a can of beer while wearing very little clothes while watching football with me, contact me.
I have a position open for you. While it may last only ten days, if you really put out a good effort, it could be a temp to hire full-time position.
Send your resume and references to the following addresses…
Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
As we await to see if we will have unemployment money coming in so we can remain in the Bagwine digs, we are making logistical plans in order to make this lifestyle upheaval relatively painless in spite of the cutting and gouging upon her gizzards and innards.
Her brother will take her to the hospital and remain with her through her three to seven hour surgery as well as her seven to ten day post-operative stay.
Schmoop, should she receive her unemployment benefits as she should, has already informed ODJFS to deposit her money grab of socialism directly into her bank account.
She and I have discussed household bill payments, food stockpiles, and my transportation issues to and fro work as the car will be in Columbus with her brother as he remains with her during her traumatic nearly two week stay at OSU Medical Center.
We seem to have been very practical and thoughtful in our considerations as to what needs to be in place prior to her departure, however, there is one infinitely more important item of business that overrides all of the aforementioned particulars that should be in place prior to her gutting…
I Need a Ten-Day Surrogate!!
That’s right.
Both Schmoop and I have agreed that I need supervision while she is gone, so…I am looking for a woman to come and be my companion for ten days and help me make it through this difficult time by offering emotional and moral support, as well as performing, “other duties as assigned.”
I wouldn’t ask this of any of you except for the fact that Schmoop being in a foreign hospital bed, surrounded by foreign doctors all what with their hands up inside of her, performing major life-saving surgery on her is one thing, but having it take place around the Christmas holiday?
Can you imagine how that makes ME feel?
More often than not, it’s all about the patient, while those like me, sit at home wondering if the love of his life made it through surgery, all the while searching for that elusive can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli in the cabinet, and desperately longing for a caring and friendly, feminine shoulder upon which to cry.
Seriously? I don’t need that hassle, and more importantly, it’s just not fair.
Schmoop all gassed up, will be having highly trained medical professionals rummaging through her body, and afterwards will receive an adjustable bed, and catered meals.
And what will I be receiving for my worry and longing for her to be home? Uh-huh, that’s right…
Heartache!!
So, if you are a woman between the ages of 35 and 55, are able to make a good sandwich, can do laundry, light housekeeping, and can pop a top off a can of beer while wearing very little clothes while watching football with me, contact me.
I have a position open for you. While it may last only ten days, if you really put out a good effort, it could be a temp to hire full-time position.
Send your resume and references to the following addresses…
Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
7 comments:
This is probably one of the more attractive job openings in the Greater Bagwine Area. Even if it doesn't turn into anything permanent, it will look great on her resume.
Jay
I've got a call into Lindsay Lohan for you. With Lindsay around you'll be to busy to miss Schmoop.
Jay: Well hell yeah, can you imagine how awesome, "Administrative Assistant to an Internet Radio Star" would look? Puhleeeeeze. Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
Mike: I also need a person who can take notes. I don't think she can spell her own name, so try to think of someone else. Cheers Mike!!
Matt-Man
in spite of the cutting and gouging upon her gizzards and innards.
Is it wrong that I just got a mental picture of Schmoop looking like a turkey and the doctor handing you a gooey paper bag, dripping with unknown liquids, and filled with her removed parts??
Dana: Why no, not at all. Cheers Dana!!
Matt-Man
Do people have gizzards?
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