Hola and Ho Ho Ho to all the good little boys and girls (and to the naughty girls), Santa Claus is guest posting for I’m With Stupid. That’s right bitches, the big man himself is here to let you know that he’s not jolly. Not one bit.
You know why? Because everybody and their dog but me is getting a reality show. If those boring (big) ass Kardashians can have a show, I should have one too. Here’s an example of a typical day:
5:00 am: Wake up to custom alarm playing “Jingle Bells.”
5:01 am: Take long, satisfying piss.
5:04 am: Ask Mrs. Claus if she’s up for a little morning action.
5:05 am: Dejectedly leave the bedroom and start the coffee going.
5:07 am: Check official email and find the box full. Leave for assistants.
5:08 am: Check personal email and find two offers for cheap Viagra and one from some chick in Nigeria claiming to need help moving $10,000,000 dollars. Put Nigeria lady on “Naughty” list.
5:01 am: Take long, satisfying piss.
5:04 am: Ask Mrs. Claus if she’s up for a little morning action.
5:05 am: Dejectedly leave the bedroom and start the coffee going.
5:07 am: Check official email and find the box full. Leave for assistants.
5:08 am: Check personal email and find two offers for cheap Viagra and one from some chick in Nigeria claiming to need help moving $10,000,000 dollars. Put Nigeria lady on “Naughty” list.
5:10: Get a cup of coffee and check Facebook
5:11: Poke 3,758 people back
5:30 am: Check my Words With Friends game
5:32 am: Put Sally Oberton of Ottawa, Canada on “naughty” list for playing “Charquis”
6:00 am: Daybreak Yoga with the elves.
6:30 am: Light breakfast of 4 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of sausage, 4 biscuits, has browns, 2 eggs over easy and a glass of orange juice.
5:11: Poke 3,758 people back
5:30 am: Check my Words With Friends game
5:32 am: Put Sally Oberton of Ottawa, Canada on “naughty” list for playing “Charquis”
6:00 am: Daybreak Yoga with the elves.
6:30 am: Light breakfast of 4 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of sausage, 4 biscuits, has browns, 2 eggs over easy and a glass of orange juice.
7:30 am: Tweet: “Time to shit, shower and groom the beard.”
8:00 am: Tweet: “Let’s do this bitches!”
8:00 am: Tweet: “Let’s do this bitches!”
8:01 am til Noon: One meeting after another. Meet with production supervisors to see how toy production is going. Yell at supervisors about excessive overtime. Remind everyone how much would be saved by outsourcing production to Southeast Asia. Then meet with maintenance team to make sure the sleigh is in good shape. Meet with the lawyers to find out which flight paths have been approved. Meet with Secret Society of Jews Who Exchange Presents on Christmas.
Noon: Typical lunch of double bacon cheeseburger, fries, a piece of chocolate cake and a Diet Coke.
12:30 pm til 3:00 pm: More meetings. Meet with the stables managers and try to smooth over any drama going on with the reindeer. Meet with logistics to see that they’ve made the requested changes. Meet with the lawyers again to see if they got Congress to approve my special “non-profit” status.
3:00 pm: Krav Maga Training
3:30 pm til 5 pm: Surf the internet for videos and self-pics of girls who want to get on my “Naughty” list followed by afternoon masturbation session.
3:30 pm til 5 pm: Surf the internet for videos and self-pics of girls who want to get on my “Naughty” list followed by afternoon masturbation session.
5:00 pm: Dinner consisting of Reindeer Stew, Ciabatta bread and a bottle of red wine.
6:00 pm: Seinfeld
7 pm til 11 pm: Hang out on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Reddit while watching episodes of Gilmore Girls on DVD.
6:00 pm: Seinfeld
7 pm til 11 pm: Hang out on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Reddit while watching episodes of Gilmore Girls on DVD.
11:00 pm: Tweet: “Bedtime with Mrs Claus. That Ho Ho Ho! #justkidding”
See folks? Fascinating stuff! I see no reason that I haven’t gotten a TV show. It’s non-stop drama all day long. A hell of lot more drama than just driving a freaking rig over a hill, I tell ya that much History Channel! And if anyone out there wants to offer me a reality show, contact me through my representative Jayman.
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Also, we held out IWS Office Christmas Party this weekend on I’m With Stupid and it was EPIC! We had a HUGE crowd in the chat room and just rocked it all through the show. We had some Xmas party DOs and DONTs, party games and discussed Xmas parties of the past. Also, there was an exclusive interview with Santa himself.
Oh, and there were trolls too. We dispatched them as quickly as possible, just like Santa would have. So, give it a listen because it will make your day a little brighter. And that’s what it’s all about for us. Making you happy.
Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio
4 comments:
I would watch this show, especially if it replaced that useless skank Kim Kardashian and her t rex of a sister. Also, Santa knows where all those naughty girls are, so how about you share with the rest of us, eh Mr. Claus? It'll save me a huge hassle weeding them out myself.
Not compare myself to the Great Claus, but his regimen and especially his diet, mirror mine. Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
Beer: I think Santa should start a website where he features one of the naughty girls every day. He would make a fortune off of it.
Jay
Matt-Man: I think we can all see a little bit of ourselves in Santa.
Jay
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