IWS Radio Exclusive!! We Have the Hand-Written Testimony of Dzhokar Tsarnaev !!

Good Morning IWS readers.

I am the singular and sub-rosa Clandestine Reporter, Troubleshooter, and Black Ops Man of Mystery for IWS Radio.

I am unable to reveal neither my name nor my identity, but you can refer to me by my code name…Monkey Wrench.

Some of you may know that yesterday, at 0945 hours at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital, members of the FBI and the U.S. Department of Justice interrogated alleged Boston Marathon Bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

As Tsarnaev is yet unable to speak, the FBI and DOJ communicated back and forth with him using simple pen and paper.

I masqueraded myself as an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor, and weaseled my way into the top secret interview. What I found out was incredible and incredulous.

What follows are pictures of the actual back and forth written questioning of 19 year old Dzhokar Tsarnaev…

The first question, why did he and his brother choose to attack the Boston Marathon?

Some prudish looking DOJ chick sporting a wool skirt and a hair bun, wanted to know if others were involved in their deadly attack...

Turning the tables on the U.S. law enforcement officers, Dzhokar fired back with a question of his own...

Upon knowing that his food would be sent for, the agents shrewdly continued to calm Dzhokar down...

Many want to know why a recently Naturalized U.S. citizen such as dead, older brother Tamerlan Tsarnaev had come to hate America.  Neither the FBI nor Dzhokar disappointed...

The FBI as many others have wondered, did the apparently sweet and well-adapted Dzhokar get roped into this heinous act by his non-sexually satisfied brother Tamerlan Tsaraev..?

And that was enough for authorities as they, at approximately 1450 Hours while Dzhokar was devouring a Wendy's double with cheese, pickles, and mayo, officially charged him with multiple capital offenses.

And I?

I disappeared into the tumultuous haze of the Boston skyline, hopped aboard a classified plane, and headed for an undisclosed hotbed of activity in an unnamed Sub-Saharan African country.

That is my report for now, but fear not...I will report once again should you realize it or not.

With justice on my mind, and a kevlar vest upon my chest,

Monkey Wrench

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

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MSJS: Our Cable News Debut

Matt Speculates, Jay Speculates, You shake your head in amazement.

As was bound to happen at some point Matt-Man and Jayman have now become more than just International Internet Radio Stars and have become Media Personalities and Current Events Commentators. We made our debut this week on cable news and here’s the transcript …

Monday Night: Cable News Ninny: We now welcome Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. What is your take, gentlemen, on what happened in Boston?

Matt: I think this is domestic terrorism.
Jay: Naw … It’s foreign.
Matt: Happening on the day of the background check vote? In the most liberal city in America?
Jay: Yeah, I get that, but domestics usually go for government buildings.
Matt: True, but foreigners usually claim responsibility.
Jay: Hmmm … Buuuuut, a bomb in a crowd? Sooooo Al Qaeda!
Matt: Maybe, but think about all those foreigners racing? Right-wingers hate foreigners.
Jay: Damn. This is a tough one.
Matt: I say look for white guy w/ crew cut and owns a dozen or so guns.
Jay: No way man. Dark-Skinned all the way!  
CNN: Okay guys! Great insight!

Thursday Night: CNN: With us again are Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. You’ve seen the video and the pics of the suspects, what do you make of all this?

Jay: Suspect #2 is looking pretty swarthy to me.
Matt: They’re white.
Jay: I dunno dude. That’s a big Arab nose.
Matt: Maybe, or possibly … Well, you know WHO ELSE has big noses.
Jay: Jews? MOSSAD?????
Matt: Wouldn’t that be a game changer!
Jay: Damn, yes it would.
Matt: Other people have big noses too though.
Jay: Lebanese do. Danny Thomas, Jamie Farr
Matt: Jamie Farr! Has anyone checked on him? Hmmm ….
Jay: I think we’ve about got this solved.
Matt: Well, hold on. I just thought of something. Italians
Jay: Oh dayum! A mob hit?
Matt: Boston Mayor Tomas MENINO??? Huh??? Huh??
Jay: Holy shit dude! …. Mind. Officially. Blown.

Friday Morning: CNN: We’re here once again with Matt-Man and Jayman of IWS Radio. One of the bombers, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, is dead and the other, his brother Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev, is on the loose. What do you guys make of this?

Matt: They’re white. I called that one!
Jay: Uhhh .. White MUSLIMS! Boom!
Matt: But, still white.
Jay: Swarthy white!
Matt: I’ll give you that one.
Jay: What have they been doing since Monday though?
Matt: Flew to Texas to blow up a fertilizer plant?
Jay: I like it!
Matt: Clever move by them. Quite the distraction.

CNN: Guys, speaking of distraction, I’m going to bring in Schmoop now to talk about another possibility.

Schmoop: This is all obviously a FALSE FLAG! The government did this to prey on American’s fears and use our natural instinct to come together in times of crisis and increase Obama’s poll numbers giving him the opening he needs to come after our guns.

Matt: *rolls eyes* You’re obviously a nutcase.
Jay: *head nod* How YOU doin’ huh babe?
Matt: PUH-LEEZE … What an amateur!
Jay: IKNOWRITE? I mean, I can see Muslims trying to help Obama’s popularity.
Matt: Now THAT makes sense!
Jay: Muslim Brotherhood agrees to launch LIMITED attack.
Matt: Kill just enough people to get everyone’s attention.
Jay: The cop was just an opportunity kill.
Matt: Obvs. Anyway, Obama goes tough guy. 
Jay: Muslims take the heat. Again.
Matt: Obama consolidates power.
Jay: Quietly uses new power to start implementing Sharia Law.
Matt: HOLY SHIT! We really have figured it out!  
Jay: This is some scary shit here.
Matt: Hell yes it is.
Jay: Damn, this TV thing is going great!
Matt: We’re naturals.

CNN: Okay guys, thanks for your very unique insight. What do you guys have coming up this Sunday?

Matt: The NFL draft is next we’re gonna draft stuff we like.
Jay: Yeah, Monarchs, Writers, Poets, Favorite Ethnic People
Matt: Sportscasters, Flowers, Beer
Jay: Yeah, we will DRAFT BEER … Heh .. Get it?
Matt: Hey-OOOOOOO
Jay: And other stuff.
Matt: Paul Piatt, IWS Products, Bobby Kraft
Jay: And so much more!
Matt: Totally!

So, join us at 12 Noon ET on Sunday for our “What’s On Tap” episode of I’m With Stupid!