Courtney Stodden and Jayman Should be Friends

Hola y'all! As you guys probably already know, I don't have a whole lot of social skills. Well, once of my new year's resolutions was to work on that. I decided that I needed to be more open and engage people in conversation in hopes of making friends. The first person I have attempted to make friends with is Courtney Stodden.

Here's how it's gone so far...

So far, no response whatsoever! WTF? Why won't Courtney be my friend? I don't really know what else I can do. I've been as charming and thoughtful as hell and even kind of funny and NOTHING! Not even a smiley face or an acknowledgment that I even exist. I'm at a total loss as to what to do next.

I'm going to have to decide if I keep trying to be friends with Courtney Stodden or move on to someone else. What do you guys think?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Historical Tweets from Great Americans

Hola and Happy 4^th of July America and everyone who loves America! On this greatest of American holidays, I have put together a list of some of the greatest tweets from some of America’s greatest (and not-so-greatest) political leaders.

@JohnHancock: Just wanted to make sure @KG3 can read THAT!

@PaulRivere: Oh it’s on bitches!

@PaulRivere: Side Note: Ran into Samuel Prescott outside of some chick’s house around 1 am.

Awkwaaaaaaaaaard.

@ArnoldBenedict: Psst … @JohnAndre .. DM me dude.

@G-Wash: Just shucked some Cornwallis. Hey-OOOO!

@DJ-T-Jeffy-Jeff: I’m a father again! Shasquina had her baby today!

@T-Edison: Let there be light! #godcomplex

@DredScott: Tough loss at the SCOTUS today. Bastards will probably kill the VRA next.

@BenFranklin: Ooooooo … I love that tingly feeling.

@OldHickory: Dear South Caronlina: Bring. It. On.  

@USGrant: Beer Thirty Bitches! (recurring tweet)

@SecStateSeward: Whew! What a day! Stick a knife in me, I’m done.  (9 pm on April 14, 1865)

@BullMooseTeddy: Heard that had to butter Big Boy Taft up to get him out the tub. #LOL #TubbyTaft

@DrPrezWilson: Mmmmrph .. Urrrr … buhhhhhh *drools*

@GenJohnPershing: AEF = After England Failed … LOL

@SilentCal: Hello 

*four years later* @SilentCal: Goodbye

@FDR: Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

@GenD-Mac: *Best Ahnold voice* I’ll be back! 

@HSTruman: Yo @D-Mac *best @RealDonaldTrump voice* You’re Fired!

@JFK: I need this trip to Dallas like I need a hole in my head.

@TrickyDicky: This tweet is not intended to be an alibi. (Late night on June 17, 1982)

@JC_Smiles: Feeling a bit of a malaise setting in tonight. I like that word “malaise.”

@DutchReagan: There you go again!

@SlickWillie: What a mess!! But it feels so good.

@Shrub: STRATEGERY BITCHES!

@Barry_O: I’m watching yooooooooo!

As you can see, Twitter has been a great tool for Presidents and other historical figures over the years.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Hanging Out with Santa Claus

Hola y’all! Santa came over tonight and hung out with me and agreed to do a Jay Said, Santa Said for the blog cause he’s cool like that.

Jay: Hola Santa!
Santa: Beer please. And some chips. I’m hungry.
Jay: I’ve already got them for you; uh please don’t smoke in here.
Santa:  I’m Santa Claus I can smoke anywhere I fucking please.
Jay: It’s bad for you though.
Santa: So is sliding down everyone’s filthy chimney but nobody tells me not to do that!
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Nobody cares about my wellbeing.
Jay: Now, that’s just not true.
Santa: Really? Everyone leaves cookies, fudge and cake for me.
Jay: I’m sure some people in Cali leave granola and soy milk.
Santa: Yes and that shit is disgusting!
Jay: I know being Santa isn’t easy, but not THAT bad.
Santa: Nobody ever asks what I want for Christmas.
Jay: That’s only because you can have whatever you want.
Santa: Yeah, but having someone else get it for me would be nice every once in a while.

Jay: But, you’re Santa Claus. You do this out of the goodness of your heart.
Santa: I should sell ads.
Jay: Really? Sell out like that?
Santa: Nothing big. Maybe just some small ads on the wrapping paper?
Jay: Maybe on the tag?
Santa: That’s brilliant! “To Timmy … From Santa brought to you by Tostitos” or something.
Jay: I’m thinking Johnsonville Brats.
Santa: I like the way you think.
Jay: With your sophisticated marketing operations, you should be able to target ads.
Santa: I’m thinking of asking Google to help me with that.
Jay: You’ll get some criticism for this.
Santa: Only from the pink-o, panty-waste, atheist, baby-killing liberals who hate me already.
Jay: That’s true.
Santa: So fuck them
Jay: Hell yeah! You go Santa!

Jay: So how’s the Christmas season been this year?
Santa: Same as always. Greedy, spoiled kids demanding expensive toys.
Jay: Gets worse every year.
Santa: Damn right it does. And I get pissed on at least four times a day.
Jay: Is your suit water proof?
Santa: I spray it down with a special formula so I don’t smell like piss all day.
Jay: Well if you did, you could just take the bus and fit right in.
Santa: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!
Jay: Is there anything good about being Santa?
Santa: Well there are a few things.
Jay: The joy of the season? Happy children smiling and laughing?
Santa: Well that and a few “fringe benefits.”
Jay: Oh really? Like groupies?
Santa: Dude. Every hot chick in the world wants to sit on Santa’s lap.
Jay: That’s awesome.
Santa: It’s crazy. Hell, I can go to any strip club and get a free lap dance for every single girl there.
Jay: I’m so jealous.
Santa: You should be. In some of the dodgier places I can get a free handy too.
Jay: Santa! I’m so disappointed in you!
Santa: Oh please! Spare me your fake indignation. I never claimed to be a role model.
Jay: Well, that’s true. I guess anyone would take advantage of being Santa a little bit.
Santa: I’m only human dude.
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Well, I better be off.
Jay: Got big plans?
Santa: Getting pissed on by kids and free lap dances from strippers.
Jay: Typical weekend then.
Santa: Yup.
Jay: Well, Merry Christmas and safe travels Santa.
Santa: Thanks my friend.

There you go. As you can see, Santa is a very complicated, yet fun and thoughtful guy.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS