Thursday, September 4, 2014

Wild Irish Rose and NFL Football...Score!!

Tonight is the kickoff to the 2014 NFL season, and I’ll be watching the titanic struggle between the Green Bay Packers and the Seattle Seahawks along with millions of other Americans, however…

Unlike most other Americans, I’ll be watching the game with my best friend, Wild Irish Rose.  Those who know me, know that I love my Rose, but most do not know of the other talents that Wild Irish Rose brings to the table in addition to being a top quality wine.

You see…

Not only does this elixir provide the palate with a tsunami of enjoyment during a football game, it has a myriad of uses around the house, and for your everyday life as well.  Allow to ‘splain…

Has Grandma’s good silverware, much like Grandma herself, grown dull and dirty from one too many Thanksgiving dinners? No problem, simply fill a bowl with Rose and start utensil dippin’. In just seconds the Rose turns the grime to shine. If you have enough WIR and a bathtub, you could even give Grandma a good Rose dippin’!!  She'll look and feel ten years younger in no time.

Painful itching and burning? Soak a wad of toilet paper with Rose and secure the mass inside of that private place and voila, Preparation R. The pain is gone and you don’t have to worry about the pimple faced kid at the check-out counter asking for a price check on hemorrhoid cream over the Walgreen’s intercom.

Are you strapped for cash and your credit card debt has become unmanageable? A big insurance claim can put you back on the road to financial freedom. Nothing says “payday” like your house going up in flames. Wild Irish Rose makes a great fire accelerant. Best of all, it evaporates without a trace.

You are getting older and are becoming self-conscious of unsightly liver spots. Have no fear. Apply Rose topically to the affected areas and within seconds the festering patches are gone. WIR also works well as a facial dermabrasion.

Warning: Unless you want your cheekbones to pop through the skin, do not leave on for more than four minutes.

Hey guys, is your partner whining about how “quick” you are in bed, and calling you names like “Premature Jack”?

A few glasses of Rose will numb your rascal lickity-split, allowing you to work it all night. And don’t worry about an accidental fertilization because although your boys may want to go for a swim, the Rose is cleaning the pool.

Lastly, a little something for the ladies. Gals are you longing for that all-day fresh feeling? A splash or two of Rose on the sweet spot will make you feel like you’re dancing in the Alps.

You will feel, smell, and yes, even taste great, long into the night.

So folks, there you have it…a few tips from the Matt-Man. As you can see, just like the Matt-Man, Rose is multi-faceted.


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(Ed. Note:  Please be advised that the Matt-Man is NOT a medical doctor, a chemist, or an arsonist; he does, however, suffer from painful hemorrhoidal itch. None of his claims have been reviewed nor approved by the FDA, the FTC, or the Department of Homeland Security.)


I'm With Stupid said...

You should be selling WIR on late night infomercials.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Sometimes after a few pints I do so from my couch with Corky as my audience. Cheers Jay!!