Tuesday, August 12, 2014

You've Never Been Touched Until You've Been Groped By a Left-Handed Person

Cheeeeeers and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

First of all, I want to thank those of you who listen to the IWS Radio Show on Sundays from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio or catch it later in the archives.  The last few shows have done really well and we appreciate your taking the time to listen.

Secondly, I’d like to talk about an affliction that curses some 11% percent of our nation’s population.  For those of us, such as yours truly who are cursed with it, it can be truly annoying.

This affliction makes life extremely more difficult…makes the simplest tasks unnerving…and is a condition that up until 30 years or so ago was so sinister, that Catholic nuns through tensile strength of a plastic ruler and the grace of God would try to beat it out of those who suffered from it.

I am of course, talking about the infirmity of being left-handed.

Tomorrow is World Lefthanders Day, and dammit, I want to raise awareness (whatever that means or does) about the trials and tribulations that we left-handed folks such as Demi Moore and myself face and have faced throughout life.

Remember the spiral notebooks we had to use in school back in the day?  The spiral is on the left God Damn side, and would cut an imprint like a bitch into a lefty’s arm during one 100 word or less 4th grade short story writing assignment.  Fuck Mrs. Parrish.  Bitch had it in for me from day one of 4th grade.

Did you have to endure the crying and humiliation of having a hard time learning to tie your shoes because your were a lefty being taught by a person from the right-handed world?  To this day, I remember bawling on the floor prior to Kindergarten starting because I couldn’t get the shoe tying thing RIGHT!!  Oh the Humanity!!

My late brother John?  He went to Catholic schools back in the 50’s and 60’s.  Catholics were still big into Latin back then, and a Latin derivative of sinister or evil, meant being left handed.

When the Sisters of Charity and Happiness saw that he wrote with is left hand, they beat the Hell out of it until his unholy hand was no longer able to pen the words of the Devil.

Ironically, as he then had to write with his right hand, his penmanship looked like claw marks and chicken scratches WRITTEN BY THE DEVIL!!

Why can’t we all just get along?  Can’t you right-handed people accept people like me and Lisa Kudrow for our left-handedness?

Why do there have to be impediments to our lifestyle and congenital disease that leave us sitting alone on the outside of a booth at a restaurant?

Anyhoo…Tomorrow August 13th…Find a left-handed person, go up to him or her and not only say, "I am with you", but give them a peck on the cheek as well, and…make sure to do so by approaching me…or him or her from the right so I …er him or her, can give you a big left-handed grope while you do so.

!!sreehC

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Twitter Me
Will You Be My Friend on Facebook 

5 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

It's really shocking that you turned out as normal as you did given this traumatic experience of being left handed. Bless your heart.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Hey Now!! I do understand Southern Speak...That "Bless Your Heart" thing was not complimentary!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Mike said...

I have a left handed friend. We always make him sit on the left end of the table.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Well of course. You don't want to be elbowed all through your meal by a fork-wielding lefty. Cheers Mike!!

Matt

Edyta said...

I used to be able to write with both hands. Because genius here broke her right arm and quickly had to adjust using the left one for everrrrr'thin.
Now I have two left hands, basically.

Edita
http://www.pret-a-reporter.co.uk