Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Redneckville Police Blotter

Holaaaaaaaa all you law abiding citizens! Even though I live at the Palatial Estates, some parts of Redneckville are a little dodgy. So, let’s check the Redneckville Police blotter to see what kinds of dangerous people they’re dealing with. (Some of these are real and some are made up. You’ll have to guess which is which.)

- RPD received a call from a woman who lives on N. Sycamore saying that her ex-boyfriend keeps calling her and threatening her with physical violence. The RPD told her to call them back if he shows up at her house.

- A man who lives on W. Bower called to complain that people are “speeding like hell through the neighborhood” and he’s had enough of it. RPD promised extra patrols through the area.

- Employees at the Dollar General Store on Capps Road called the RPD just before 9 am on Thursday morning to say that there was a man who was possibly passed out in a car in their parking lot. Police talked to the man and found out that he was Dollar General’s newest employee and couldn’t remember what time the store opened and fell asleep while waiting.

- A man who lives on S. Cherry called the RPD to complain that someone was sitting in a car in front of his house stealing his Wi-Fi. He was counseled to set up a password on his Wi-Fi to protect it, but he claimed he didn’t know how. The man was given the phone number of a few companies around town where he could get help with his problem.

- An employee of the Dollar Tree called the RPD to say that a teenager had stolen a candy bar from the store. RPD confronted the teenager who insisted he had forgotten that he put the candy bar in his pocket. The teen was ticketed for petty theft charge and told to also get a haircut.

- A man who lives on Hawthorne Drive called the RPD to complain that a woman whom he had met from an online service stole his wallet when they met in person at a local hotel. He told officers that he didn’t want to file a formal complaint. He just wanted them to get his wallet and credit cards back without his wife or employer finding out about it.

- An eight year old child called 911 to tell the police that his dad was being really mean to him. The child was told to quit being a whiney little brat all the time and maybe daddy won’t have to be so angry and drink so much all the time.

- Someone called the RPD to complain that there was a deranged and possible drunk man at Maplewood Cemetery. Policed arrived to find a distraught 28 year old man crying uncontrollably while lying on the grave of his wife who passed way four days ago. The man was arrested for suspicion of public intoxication, creating a public disturbance and resisting arrest.


I'm With Stupid said...

I don't watch much TV but if there was a show called CSI: Redneckville, I'd be there every week. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: That would be a huge hit. Or if they "re-imagined" a show like "The Rockford Files" with me as Jim Rockford Jr and set it here? Oh man that would be awesome!!!


Katy Anders said...

I dunno.

Those police officers all seem like they have way too much common sense to be real cops.

Mike said...

That does look like a typical police blotter from small town USA.

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: The cops here can't usually be bothered with answering 911 calls because they're too busy pulling over high school girls to flirt with them.


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Redneckville is a pretty typical town. Other than that whole KKK presence thing.