Friday, March 14, 2014

Only God Knows What Happened to MH370

Hola all you conspiracy theorists! So, what happened to that Malaysian Airlines flight that just disappeared? This is crazy right? I mean, big jetliners don’t just fall out of the freaking sky! Well, the internet is on it! It’s time to look at what could possibly have happened. 

They landed on a remote island.  I never watched LOST on ABC, so I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would think it will be okay if the island has a nice beach and a fresh water stream. If they landed on an island they would still be able to use the plane’s radio to call someone though. Unless they are all running away together!

They were abducted by aliens. I kind of like the idea of the plane just cruising along when all of the sudden the clouds part and a HUGE spaceship appears above them. Then the spaceship opens its bay doors and the plane is sucked into it. Now they’re all getting anal probes and about ten percent of them are enjoying it.

A meteor took the plane down. Well that would definitely suck. Imagine the odds of getting hit by a meteor while fling in an airliner? They’re probably smaller than John Boehner staying sober on St. Patrick’s Day.

They were shot down by a military jet or missile. Which country’s military shot them down? I’ll need you to decide before you can go forward with this theory. Hey look, this has happened before. Several times in fact. We just need to figure out which country did it. Oh wait! Of course!! It’s was Obama who had the plane shot down to distract from BENGHAZI!!!! I can’t believe Sen. Lindsay Graham hasn’t tossed that idea out there yet.

An electromagnetic storm took them back in time. Oooooooooooo! I like this one. Have you ever seen “The Final Countdown” with Martin Sheen, James Farentino, Katharine Ross (Editor’s note: RAWR) and IWS Radio’s Senior Weather Correspondent Kirk Douglas? Cool movie. Watch it and you’ll definitely give this theory a second thought.

An electromagnetic storm took them to a parallel dimension. Okay, what are they doing over there? The same thing they would do here? Or, maybe they’re starting a whole new race over there? I like it. I’m glad I’m not with them though ‘cause I don’t think I’m up to something like that, but good luck to ‘em.

They landed on schedule and are sitting at home watching TV hoping that missing plane is found. This would be pretty hilarious, right? I should write that up and submit it as an idea for an episode on a sitcom? I smell EMMY!

Well, these are all good and I could see any of them happening. There were four Americans on that plane so you’d think the NSA would just tell someone where the damn thing is by now. They could do it anonymously if they want. Actually, I have my own theory on where that plane is. I’ve thought this through and I think I’ve figured it out ….

THEY WERE RAPTURED! It’s really the only logical explanation. Look at the world today? War, famine, oppression and general assholery rules the day in almost every country. It’s very possible that there were only 239 people on Earth still eligible for eternal life. So, God arranged for them all to be on one plane and they flew straight to Heaven. So, while they’re walking along golden pathways in the Land Flowing of Milk and Honey, we’re all down here kidding ourselves that we have still have a chance to avoid eternal damnation.  Damn, that sucks.

Hey! While you're here you should totally listen to IWS' own Aunt Jackie performing Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" on last week's episode of IWS Radio


I'm With Stupid said...

The plane was loaded with mainly Godless Chinese Communists and they were Raptured? God is so humorously ironic!! Cheers Jay!!


Katy Anders said...

Hey, i hadn't thought of the potential LOST scenario...

But that might be because I wasn't looking for the humor in the probably deaths of 250 people.

Thanks, IWS!

Edyta said...

I don't that story freaks me out. Don't tell me there's another Bermuda triangle there? :(


Edyta said...

I meant to say I don't know*

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: It's amazing how much we've been wrong about the big guy!


I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: You're welcome.


I'm With Stupid said...

Edita: It freaks me out too. It really looks like it was a deliberate act by the pilot(s).