Thursday, February 13, 2014

Phyllis Diller's Brother Breaks Out The Punchlines

Hey there all you crazy guys and dolls. Phil Diller here for IWS Radio.

You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who the hell is this guy?”

Well, I just told you…I’m Phil Diller.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…For the throngs of you who are unfamiliar as to who I am, I am the late Phyllis Diller’s obscure and un-publicly-recognized younger brother.

Hell, just check out Phyllis’ Wikipedia page...there is no reference to me whatsoever. You know why? Because when Phyllis was born, and they saw what she looked like?  My Dad shouted at my Mom…

“Look Honey, it’s the son we always wanted!!”, and they kept it that way.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…I was conceived during the October 14, 1937 FDR Fireside Chat on the Unemployment Census.  Hell…Mom and Dad both had jobs; it was a cold night in Lima, Ohio, and the President’s radio chat wasn't doing much to keep them warm, so they found an alternative source of heat.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime Uhhhhhhh!!

Anyway, during my days growing up in the Diller household, Mom, Dad, and my sister would tell me that I was just a stray that they picked up in their front yard on July 14, 1938 during an out of control Bastille Day Party.

“Why would a German/Irish family such as the Diller’s celebrate France?”

And he replied…

“We thought it would be our last time to make fun of the French before Hitler and that midget dago wiped them off the map.”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

I never bought that line.

Anyway…Mom and Dad died when I was around eleven years old, but my sis Phyllis was working and kept me around.  She would always tell me…

“Phil, even though you are not my brother, I feel the need to take care of you, so…you can stay here and be my gardener.”

It was nice to have a place to stay, but the entire time that I’m out there busting up turf in order for Phyllis to plant her vegetable garden, I’m thinking…

“Listen, Bitch!!  My name is Phil DILLER, not Phil TILLER!!”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Don’t get me wrong, as much as she and the entire family denied my familial bond, they did take care of me…well, until she died in 2012.

After my sister Phyllis died, her kids kicked me out of the gardener’s guest house and ass flung me straight to the curb.  I felt as though I was Ned Beatty getting my salad tossed in a Burt Reynolds’s flick and the movie was titled…

Diller-iverance.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

So, I’m out on my own now, and I am incredibly grateful to Jay and Matt for bringing me on board the TEAM IWS chuck wagon so I can make a living.

I’m going to be there this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on the IWS Radio Show with some funny President Day jokes, so don’t miss out, and don’t miss out on this Sunday’s show which you can catch live right HERE!!

Until then…Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Phil Diller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

2 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I'm surprised Phil isn't headlining in Vegas with his talent.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: It's only a matter of time. The man is a verrrrrrry late-blooming comedic genius!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt