Friday, January 10, 2014

Chris Christie on BridgeGate...Yes I Did It!!

Happy Friday to all of you IWS Radio fans.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie here to guest write on the
monumental pages of the IWS website.

Seems that Matt-Man watched my entire Sen. Ted “I’m One of the Few Gay Men in Texas” Cruz length press conference that I held yesterday and called me shortly afterward, to berate, belittle, and beseech me to be myself, and tell the truth.

Well, thanks to the, “Come to Jesus” phone conversation we had…yeah, a phone call…I no longer like e-mails, y’know Ha!!…Matt-Man convinced me to come clean, and as he put it in lingo I can understand, said…

“You fucking pussy, Scots-Irish, self-proclaimed Sicilian badass, you…tell the truth and quit being such a fucking Mary.”

He’s right, and today?

I am here to tell you…I did indeed orchestrate this entire bridge closing thing, but not because I’m a bully, which I’m not; nor is it because I am a politician with high aspirations, which I am…

It’s because I am at the very heart, soul, and core of my being, a speculative ironic comedian, and my ironic humor is lost on people.

Hell, this entire humorous bridge closing caper that left Ft. Lee, NJ. an island unto itself, and left a soon to be dead woman…well dead, was thought of because my now unemployed Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Kelly’s name is, BRIDGEt.

Ha…Was that fact lost on you non-ironic picking up motherfuckers?  Holy Cow people, I even have a daughter named BRIDGEt for God Sakes, could we pay attention to my humor, please!?

As for Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich? Don’t you people see the statement I was making with my bridge closing to Ft. Lee?

Mayor Sokolich is of Serb-Croat descent and I was, for a short time, dividing up New Jersey into isolated and autonomous principalities, just like when Yugoslavia broke up.  I was ironically, and whimsically making the ungrateful bastard feel at home. And what do I get?

Heartache and disrespect!!  I swear to God; if Rodney Dangerfield was a Governor, he’d be me.

You know, people give me shit for being anti-gay marriage to an extent.  Do you not see the humor in that? Have you people seen my wife?  She’s a man, Baby!!

Do you think that happens by accident?  Hell NO it doesn’t; I meticulously plan these ironic events and punch lines of life.

I am sooooooo wayyyyyyy fucking ahead of the general population, humor wise!!

Do you think I am fat because I’m just fat because of an uncontrollable urge for delicious, deep-fried food? Hell no…I worked on that as well, you know why?

When some asshole state legislator approaches me and asks…

“Hey Governor Christie, shouldn't you like…um…work a salad into your diet?”

I respond by saying…

“I would, but I have eaten so much of your wife’s pussy that I don‘t have room.”

Ha!!

See?  See?  I am dynamic, ironic, and funnier than fuck, and you guys?

Well…you just don’t get it, and that hurts to some extent, but hey…

I’ll live to joke another day, because, well…that’s what I live for…to make people smile, laugh, and who knows?

Maybe instead of being elected President in 2016, I’ll get a late night comedy show called, Bridge-It With Chris Christie.

I’d like that, now…

Thanks, and go fuck yourselves.  Ha!!  I meant that ironically!!

Gov. Chris Christie

mattman@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

4 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Dude is hilarious! He should be a regular contributor to IWS Radio. Maybe he and Carl Paladino could do something together.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Chris AND Carl together!? Oh my God, fugget about it. That would be HUGE!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

A Bridge Too Far

I'm With Stupid said...

Elvis: But of course!! Cheers E!!

Matt