Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014 Horoscopes

Karl Sagan, astrologer to the stars, for IWS Radio with your 2014 Horoscopes…

Aries (March 21-April 20) While the remaining Bengal Tigers in the world are mainly confined to India, Nepal, and Bangladesh, you will find out while watching the Super Bowl that one of them is indigenous to your living room and is very hungry.

Taurus (April 21-May 21) After years of toiling, sweating, and working three jobs in order to put your four daughters through college, when the youngest and last graduates in June, you will have more than mixed emotions when your wife tells you that none of girls were actually yours.

Gemini (May 22-June 21) People quit hanging out with you when they discover that when you say, “Let’s go out for just one beer.” you actually mean, just ONE beer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Your public reputation and self-esteem will become non-existent when upon further review, the Blue Ribbon that you won at the county fair for, Best Butter Sculpture of Elvis, is stripped from you because you used margarine.

Leo (July 23-August 22) You will regret adhering to the adage, “Penny wise, Pound foolish”, when on a hot summer day in June, you refuse to give a penny to a homeless man, and he pounds the shit out of you.

Virgo (August 23-September 23) Your fifteen minutes of fame and good will end quickly when it is discovered that you are the one who not only set fire to the old tire warehouse, but you were the one who put the kidnapped baby inside of it whom you appeared to rescue on the evening news.

Libra (September 23-October 23) After 227 days of watching FOX News 24/7, you arm yourself, say good-bye to the kids, kiss your wife, and go looking to gun down Liberals who want to force feed birth control pills to your eight year old daughter, and who want to rape your wife.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22) After 227 days of watching MSNBC 24/7, you arm yourself, say good-bye to the kids, kiss your wife, and make Thomas Roberts your bitch, because, well…he has dreamy eyes.

Sagittarius (November 23-Decemeber 21) I know it seems “kitschy” and “Yogi Bear-ish”, but you’ll discover in October why there is a good reason that parks post signs that say, “Don’t Feed the Bears.”

Capricorn (December 22-January 20) Sure, you lose three toes to frostbite, but sadness turns to joy when in your honor, and being a member of the Crayola Crayon team, the CEO of Crayola designates a new color, “ Gangrene.”

Aquarius (January 21-Februray 19) When you wish upon that falling star that you see in April, you should wish that that two pound meteorite doesn't land smack dab on your head.

Pisces (February 20-March 20) You want to make sure, and you do, so after kissing Gretchen Carlson on the lips, you punch her square on the face, and then, throw up.

Cheers!!

Karl Sagan

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

7 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Really feeling bad for Taurus dudes. That's rough.

Jay

Mike said...

I'm leaving now to check out those don't feed the bears signs.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Yeah, that's a tough bill to swallow. Hey-Oooooooo. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Tread carefully my friend. Cheers Mike!!

Matt

jAMiE said...

I'll be looking for that meteorite come February...thanks for the heads up...literally!

I'm With Stupid said...

Jamie: You and me both Jaaaaamie!! Cheers!!

Matt

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